The idea of her feeling so embarrassed, of her carrying that painful secret around and feeling so unbelievably alone, almost put a lump in his throat. It also made him want to punch himself. “I’m glad you had someone here for you when I wasn’t.”
“Stop feeling guilty. You had your reasons; let it go.”
Like that would ever happen. Whether he’d meant to hurt her or not, he’d still caused his mate pain, and that was something he couldn’t forgive himself for. “Anyway, you don’t need Marcus anymore, you have me.”
“I can have friends too,” she chuckled.
He slid his hands down to cup that ass he loved. “Of course you can, and I’m sure you’ll still confide in them about things, but I’d like to think I’ll be your first port of call if you need to talk.”
That was when Shaya realized something—something she couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed before. “You feel threatened by my close friendship with Taryn.”
“Not threatened exactly. But I see how much more open you are with her than with anyone else.” And it hurt that she wasn’t that open with him. He’d told her when he claimed her that he wouldn’t allow her to hold back from him anymore, that he wanted all of her. And he did have all of her…but he didn’t have her total trust, and that was one of the most important things to him.
Feeling that it wounded him, she softly said, “I trust you as much as I trust her.”
“But?” He could tell there was one.
“But…it’s different with Taryn. I don’t mean she’s more important to me than you. It’s hard to explain.” After a short pause, she spoke. “She was there for me when I needed someone—since I was four, she’s been that one constant thing that I knew I could rely on. But really, I never relied on her; I wouldn’t let myself rely on anyone. She gave me the comfort of knowing that if I did want to rely on someone, she was there. But she would never demand it from me, so there was no pressure.
“With you…it’s something I have to give you at some point, but I don’t know how to emotionally rely on another person, how to trust them. I know I can rely on you, and I do in some ways. But holding back a little…it’s like my safety cushion. It means that if things mess up, I’ve kept a part of me safe, so it won’t utterly destroy me. I don’t know how to trust that I don’t need a safety cushion; that you’re all the safety I need. But I am trying. I really am.”
To some extent, Nick could understand that. He’d never relied on others either. As a child, it had been an act of defiance, a determination to be independent in every sense—most alphas were like that as kids. But then he’d gone to juvie and there had been no one to rely on; all he’d had was himself. When he’d been released from juvie, it was to be thrust into the position of Alpha and have others relying on him.
It could be said that Nick had ignored his own needs for a very long time, which had been helped along by his inability to fully connect with people. But with Shaya, he wanted that connection; he didn’t resent that she would be someone who would need to be able to rely on him. He liked the idea of being her source of security, just the way he liked how she balanced him out. Where he was unsociable and withdrawn, she was outgoing and had an ease with people. Where he was hard and remote, she was life and sensuality. Where he was often too serious and intense, she was light and laughter. She made him live, forced him to crack the shell he had around himself and try to accept others in his life.
No one else had ever gotten so close to him, because he hadn’t wanted them to. But he didn’t hold back with Shaya, never had. That was why it pained him so much that she didn’t feel totally safe with him. The fact that she considered him in some way a danger to her caused an ache in his chest.
Sensing how bad he was hurting, Shaya wished she wasn’t so messed up. “I’m sorry.”
He held her even tighter to him, giving her a pointed look. “Hey, don’t you dare apologize for what you can’t give me. It’s my own fault anyway.”
“No, it’s not. Even if you had claimed me that very first night we met, this trust issue would still have been there. As if that isn’t bad enough, there’s the fact that dominant/submissive pairs find completing the mating link hard.”
“Only those who believe that a difference in status is a problem and feel that they can’t complement each other. I know you worry I’ll grow to resent that you’re not dominant, but that’s just dumb. I want you exactly as you are. I’ve never seen you as weak. You don’t hold me back in any sense; you make me stronger because you balance me out. And I balance you out.”
“You do?” she said with a smile, amused by the utter confidence in the latter words.
He nodded, nipping her lip. “You’ve always made me think of a butterfly. Vibrant, graceful, colorful. But there’s another reason why you make me think of a butterfly—you’re damn hard to pin down.” She chuckled. “It’s true. I used to watch you, see the way you flitted from place to place and person to person, never still…because you’re trying to live your life for both you and your sister.” He could tell she hadn’t thought of it that way before. He stroked the curls away from her face, cupping her cheek as he softly continued. “You can’t do that, baby. You can use her as motivation, but you can’t live for two people.”
Stunned, Shaya struggled to find words. “I didn’t realize that was what I was trying to do. But you’re right; I was.”
“And if I hadn’t pointed it out, you would probably always have done it. This is what I mean when I say I balance you out. I keep you settled in one place—with me. I anchor you, ground you, make sure you don’t neglect your own needs, stop you from feeling alone, and give you and your wolf the security you need…but I don’t smother you in any way or try to take away your independence in doing that.”
And all of that was exactly what she needed, Shaya knew. “I still can’t believe I hadn’t seen this with Mika before now. It’s not like it’s a little thing.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be doing this, because it would mean you weren’t living a full life.”
It would also mean she and Nick weren’t living a full life together, and that wasn’t acceptable. “I guess, in some ways, I did it because I always felt guilty for being alive when she wasn’t.”
“Your mother made you feel that way, Shay.” He’d happily cut that toxic woman from Shaya’s life if he didn’t think it would hurt her not to give her mother a second chance. “It was wrong of her to do that. But you can’t carry on trying to live for both of you.” Jokingly, he added, “After all, I can’t deal with two mates. One’s enough.”
Narrowing her eyes, Shaya slapped his shoulder and reflexively snapped, “I don’t share.” Realizing how dumb she’d sounded, she groaned inwardly.
“I’m glad to hear it, because neither do I. You’re all I want. And you’re not something I’m prepared to lose. Ever. I already know how it feels to try to live a life without you in it. I don’t want to feel that ever again.”
“You tried to leave me the day you had the memory lapse,” she pointed out.
“Not leave you.” He kissed her lightly. “Protect you, put you first. I’ll always do that.”
“But not by trying to leave me again.” It was half question, half statement.
He shook his head. “No, baby, not that. It might have worked before we’d claimed each other, but it wouldn’t work now. We’re linked, for better or worse.”
“You’re healed,” she insisted, knowing what he meant by “worse.”