Lily wanted to stay with me, but I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want anyone to see me.
I wanted to disappear.
I’d woken up feeling nothing. Got dressed and left the apartment in a daze, came to the shelter and did my job. I didn’t check my phone until the morning, and when I finally did, I found texts from Cooper, saying he hoped I was asleep and had gotten some rest. Said he couldn’t wait to see me.
My chest was hollow as I messaged him back, telling him I was busy and that I’d be over after work. And then I put my phone in my bag, unable to check it again. I just couldn’t.
The one thing I’d learned after all was said and done: I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t even been close to being ready. What I had been doing was fooling myself. Pretending. I was too broken, so broken that I’d been walking around, stuck together with duct tape and bubblegum, acting like I was fine.
I didn’t trust myself to make decisions about Cooper. He gave me his heart, and I took it too soon. And now, I was about to drop it. Break it. Shatter it.
So stupid. So careless.
Maybe it was for the best.
I hadn’t been enough for Jimmy — how could I ever be enough for Cooper Moore? I believed that he wanted to try, that he’d do the best he could to only be with me. I wanted to think he could do it. But the only other boy I’d ever given my heart to didn’t care for it. He just wasn’t equipped, and I couldn’t be sure that Cooper was, either.
But the scariest thing of all — my feelings for Jimmy were back, buzzing around my head, around my heart, reminding me of everything I’d lost. The love I’d never had to start with.
I could see a dozen ways out of my mess, and no path was easy. In my favorite one, time healed my wounds, Cooper earned my trust, and we could be together. But every other path ended up in heartache, mine or his. Or both.
I couldn’t risk any more than I already had.
I turned the page of Cinderella, the version by Hilary Knight with the most lovely illustrations. It was the same one my mom read to me as a girl, the one I always used in class. The kids sat at my feet, leaning forward as I read. I didn’t need to look at the words. I knew them by heart.
For so long, I believed in fairy tales. That Jimmy was my prince, and I was living my happily ever after. But the reality was that my life was the opposite of a fairy tale. My prince lied. My happily ever after didn’t exist.
No, if my life were a fairy tale, it would go something like this.
Once upon a time, there was a girl named Maggie who was honest and true, who danced her way through life with sunshine in her eyes and a smiling heart.
One day she met a beautiful boy with a beautiful smile who showed her what it meant to love, and her gravity shifted until her whole world revolved around him, her sun, the middle of her little universe that he filled with laughter and happiness.
But then the sun went out, and in the darkness, she found the truth.
That beautiful boy had lied. His smile was plastic — the truth cracked it until it crumbled, like sunshine cracks thirsty earth. And her little universe blew apart, sending her spinning, flying into the darkness with nothing to grab onto, nothing to stop her.
She closed her eyes to hide until she felt the warmth of a new sun, a bigger sun, a sun brighter than she’d ever seen before. But he pulled her in too fast. She couldn’t trust his smile, couldn’t let herself believe. And as she spun around him, he pulled her closer, spinning her faster and faster until she couldn’t hold on.
And so she flew away once more into the dark, feeling free and lost in equal measure.
I read the last page of Cinderella and closed the book. The kids smiled up at me, and I smiled back against the hollow in my chest. We moved to the table where strips of orange construction paper and yarn waited for their tiny fingers, and I sat them all down and began to help them assemble paper pumpkins.
I felt a little like Cinderella, like I’d gotten to live a dream life for just a moment before I had to face reality again. The carriage smashed into pumpkin bits. The shoe was lost. And now I had to tell the prince that I couldn’t be with him after all.
So the clock ticked on, counting down the moments before the magic would end. And when the time came, I packed up my things and walked the blocks to his apartment. Rode up the elevator and knocked on his door. And if my heart could have felt, it would have broken.
Cooper
An entire day of elation, a weekend that changed my life, a month that had opened my heart — it was all washed away when I opened my door and saw Maggie.
She looked small, grey and dull everywhere except her eyes. Her eyes were on fire.
Alarms rang as I watched the curves of her face, looking for answers, knowing what she felt without her needing to say a word. But I asked her anyway, afraid to move.
“What’s wrong?” My voice was tight. My heart was tighter.
“Can I come in?”
“Of course.” I pulled open the door and stepped out of the way, and she walked past me, into my apartment.
I closed the door, barely able to hear over my pulse rushing in my ears. Her hands were clasped in front of her, fingers twisted together, flexing like they did when she was nervous or scared. I didn’t speak, just waited until she was ready.
I was the king of waiting.
Her words were soft — she wouldn’t look at me. “I’m sorry, Cooper.”
My heart stopped, starting again like a kick drum. “Why are you sorry? What happened?”
She shook her head. “I … I came home to a package from Jimmy. A letter. I thought I was ready to do this, but I’m not, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was careless, I just … this weekend … I was just so caught up in you. But Jimmy’s not gone. And that’s not fair to you.”
“Do you still love him?” My voice was rough.
The honesty in her eyes hurt almost as bad as the words themselves. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to let go of him … I’ve never even really tried. I just ran away. But I can’t run away anymore.”
I couldn’t speak.
“I’m broken, Cooper. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t know what else to do but take some time to sort through it all.”
I hung onto a sliver of hope. I could give her time. I’d give her anything she wanted. “I’m here, Maggie, and I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I’m here.”
She took a shuddering breath with her eyes on the ground. All I wanted in the universe was to pull her into my arms and hold her. I just loved her too much to do it.
She shook her head, her eyes on her fingers. “Cooper, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
A tear slipped down her face, and I stepped toward her, chest aching as I cupped her cheek, urging her to look at me.
“Hey,” I whispered. “Maggie, you didn’t do anything wrong. Do you hear me?”
Her eyes were bright and open when she met mine. “I wanted to be okay. I wanted everything to be fine. I thought it was, but it’s not.”
“It will be. I promise.” I kissed her forehead, and she leaned into me.
“I should go,” she said softly.
I knew she didn’t want to, but I stepped back anyway, let her go. Watched her walk away, not knowing if she’d ever come back to me.
Maggie
The only time I’d felt alive all day was when I was there, with him.
I’d wanted to stay. I’d wanted to fall into his arms where I was safe. But he wasn’t safe with me. I’d been selfish enough.
The second I walked away, the fire in my heart turned to ash, blowing through me. Empty.