Time was stretched out and strange as I made my way home through the park at dusk, the sky golden, the trees green and rustling from the wind. Fallen blossoms skated and spun across the path in whirls and currents before flying away.
My mind was everywhere and nowhere as I walked the path, then the blocks to my building and up the stairs. And when I opened the door, I found Rose and Lily waiting for me, sitting at the kitchen table with drinks.
Lily’s blond hair was loose, her blue eyes soft. “Hey. You okay?”
I set down my bag. “No.”
“As suspected. Whiskey or gin?”
I cracked a smile. “Whiskey.”
Lily motioned to the Maker’s on the table. “You heard the woman, Rosie.”
I felt the slightest bit better and took a seat as Rose poured drinks.
“So, here’s the deal,” Lily said with a smile. “We can talk about it, or we can not talk about it. We can get piss drunk, or we can stay sober. You’re the boss.”
I took a deep breath, thinking about it. “Let’s start with this and see where we end up.”
Rose passed the drinks out and raised her glass. “Fuck it.”
“Fuck it.” Lily and I added and clinked our glasses together.
We all took drinks, and Lily and Rose turned to me.
I shook my head. “I’m not ready to talk about it. Y’all tell me what’s going on with you.”
Lily nodded. “Well, nothing exciting here. I was at the theater all weekend and hung out with West.”
“How’s everything at work?” I took a sip of my whiskey, comforted by the sweet burn.
She shrugged. “Same. It’s bittersweet because Swan Lake is over. That was exhausting. Amazing, but exhausting.”
“Blane still behaving himself?”
“As well as he can, I guess. He’s been professional, which is all I really need. I have to admit though, it’s fun watching him chase after Nadia because she is one hundred percent done with him.”
Rose shook her head. “I still can’t believe you’re friends with that c-bag.”
Lily shrugged. “I don’t know. I get her, I guess. We survived Blane together.” She leaned forward, smiling. “She’s started dating another dancer, and Blane is so bitchy about it. He does to Aaron what Nadia used to do to me, like stand across the room and try to set them on fire with his eyeballs.”
I chuckled and took a drink, feeling almost normal. “How about you, Rose?”
She twisted her black hair into a knot and shook out her bangs. “Just sleep and work. I skateboarded through the park today. I swear, it’s the one thing I miss about LA. I didn’t have to go out of my way to skate. I could just hop on my board and take off. No one skates in New York. Too many people.” She narrowed her eyes. “Okay, two things I miss. Flip flops.”
Lily laughed. “Yeah, you don’t wear those in New York unless you want foot herpes. I mean, in the subway? Ew.”
Rose sighed and shook her head. “I used to have a permanent flip flop tan line.”
“Do you ever miss it?” I asked.
She bobbled her head, her dark eyes on her drink as she picked it up. “Sometimes. I miss my friends more than I do actually living there. Like, I don’t miss the traffic. New York is easy like that. Get where you need on the train without having to sit on the 405 for two hours on a Saturday to make it twenty miles.”
Lily rolled her eyes. “Lies. Manhattan is convenient, but only for other stuff in Manhattan. It’s like when you meet someone who lives in Brooklyn. They may as well live in Japan.”
Rose conceded with a nod and a gesture with her glass.
“Is it really that far?” I asked, feeling like a noob.
“No,” Lily answered, “it’s not. That’s what makes it so ridiculous.”
“New York is funny that way.” I said. “Like, I hate that the subway doesn’t run east to west through the park, only north to south. What’s that all about? Getting to the East Side is such a pain in the ass.”
Rose pulled her legs into lotus. “I mean, the park is only three blocks wide, so it’s not a huge deal.”
I took a sip of my drink. “No, but to get from here to the shelter takes way longer than it should. I’ve been walking because the weather is so great right now, but what if it’s raining? What about in the winter when it’s cold, or snowing? I mean, me in snow is a whole other issue all together.”
Lily raised her glass. “We should write a strongly worded email to the transit authority.”
I snickered and took another drink, nearly draining my glass.
“How was work?” Lily asked.
“It was rough, long. Today was my first day with the kids, and it went well. You know, other than feeling like a dead fish.”
They nodded, and we all took a drink.
I set my empty glass down and watched the ice melt inside. “I went to Cooper’s after work today.”
“What happened?” Lily asked gently.
“I told him that I needed time.”
Rose waited through a breath. “What happened over the weekend?”
I pushed my glass to her, and she filled it up. “It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. And in the end, I told him I wanted to be with him. To say fuck the rules and be together, to tell West. And then, Jimmy happened.”
“Fucking Jimmy.” Rose passed my drink over and sipped her own.
But I just held the glass in my hands and shook my head. “So I went to Cooper’s after work. I had to talk to talk to him, try to explain, you know? After all that, after making a promise, to have to go back on it …”
“How did it he take it?” Lily asked.
“Better than I thought he would, honestly. I expected him to try to convince me to change my mind, but he just let me go. I don’t know if I had the willpower to say no if he begged.” I spun my glass around. “He told me that he’d be waiting.” I took a heavy sip to burn away the lump in my throat.
Rose and Lily exchanged looks.
“What?” I asked.
Rose shook her head. “It’s just that this is so unlike Cooper.”
Lily shifted in her seat. “I mean, you have to understand — Cooper gets what he wants. No, it’s not even that. He can convince you to give him what he wants, and he’ll even have you thanking him for convincing you by the end of it. You said he just let you go. That he wants to be with you, and he let you go. It goes against Cooper physics.”
I felt sick. “Maybe he just doesn’t care about me enough to put up a fight.”
“He said he would wait for you,” Rose said. “That doesn’t sound like he wasn’t putting up a fight. It sounds like he’s giving you what you need so you’ll come back to him. Putting your needs above his own.”
I sighed. “That doesn’t make me feel less pressure to make a decision.” I picked up my drink and knocked it back.
“I know. But you should know that we believe he’s sincere, if that’s a question,” Lily added.
I wiped the sweat off my glass. “I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about Cooper or Jimmy or even myself. The closest I can get is knowing that I’d like to drink a third of this bottle, eat a pint of ice cream, and cry myself to sleep.”
Lily watched me. “What did you do with the box?”
“It’s in the closet. If you want to set it on fire or anything, be my guest.”
Rose poured another drink for herself. “Have you heard from Jimmy?”
“He texted me again. I haven’t responded to him in months, though.” I drained my drink and passed it to Rose, who took it and made quick work of filling it back up. “Now it’s been so long since we’ve talked, I don’t know what to say.”
“How about, ‘Go lick a hot iron real quick.’”
Rose snorted. “‘Stick a paperclip in an outlet and then call me.’”
“What would you even say to him?” Lily sat back in her seat, gathering her hair up and twisting it absently.
“I really don’t know. The hardest part of all of this is … well, everything. Even just seeing his handwriting. It’s the same handwriting on notes passed to me in high school. The only handwriting that’s ever written ‘I love you.’” I shook my head. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. But the entire thing was a lie, and I’m the fool who believed it. The fool who was suckered for years into thinking I’d found my dream guy.”