Rose rested her elbows on the table. “You don’t think he loved you?”
I dragged in a breath and let it go. “No, I suppose he loved me in his way. Loves me, if his note is true. But I don’t know that he’s capable of giving me what I want, giving me what he promised me when he put that ring on my finger. I believe he loves me, but I don’t believe he respects me. If he did, he wouldn’t have ever cheated. I just don’t know why he won’t let me go. Why would he do this to me? He’s already hurt me enough, and it’s not like I’ve been stringing him along. I haven’t even spoken to him. I thought moving two thousand miles away would solidify my stance on our relationship.”
Lily nodded. “I’m sure he’s sad and hurt, feeling guilty.”
My brow dropped at the thought, my hurt burning fresh. “I don’t pity him. I hope he regrets what he did to me every day for the rest of his life. The more I consider his motivation for sending that fucking box — which was selfish, because of course it was — the angrier I get. I was trying to move on, get over it.”
“But you weren’t, really.” Rose pointed out.
“No, I wasn’t. But I was trying to. Pretending to. If I ignored it long enough, it would have just been behind me one day, wouldn’t it have?” I knew how delusional it sounded the second it left my mouth, but funny enough, it’d always been something I’d considered an actual solution.
Rose sighed and picked at the placemat. “It doesn’t work that way in my experience. Your hurt just hangs around in some dark corner of your mind until something triggers it. And then, it explodes.”
I blew out a long breath, realizing how dumb I’d been. “Like last night.”
“Yes, like last night.” Lily paused. “Are you going to answer Jimmy? Call him?”
Dread snaked through me. “I don’t know.”
She picked up her drink. “I think what you need is closure.”
The word sounded like a promise, laced with hope. “But how?”
Lily shook her head. “I don’t know, but I think it’s the only way you’ll get through it, or at least the fastest way. Time can only do so much, you know? I mean, you can hide out, but look at how that’s going. He sent a letter and a box full of things that you already knew existed in the world, and you hyperventilated until you passed out. When was the last time you talked to him? Like, really talked to him?”
“Just before I left. He came over again, and Daddy sent him packing.”
Rose raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like you really talked to him. What happened after the wedding?”
“He came over the next day, but I got so upset when we tried to talk that I nearly had a panic attack. Daddy told him not to come back.”
“And then what happened?” Lily asked. “When did you see him after that?”
“I didn’t. I stayed home a lot, avoided the places I knew he went.”
“So,” Rose leaned on the table, “you mean to say that you never really sat down and talked to Jimmy about everything?”
“I guess not,” I answered quietly. “I didn’t have to handle anything, really. Mom sent all the gifts back, Daddy handled all the money. I got through the reception and then it was almost like it never happened. Except he’d come by, text me, call me. I just ignored him. I ignored everyone, and then I ran away.”
Lily’s eyes were sad. No one spoke, so I kept going.
“I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wanted him to go away, disappear. It’s why I moved here, you know that.”
“And he hasn’t let you go. He’s not going to either, I’d bet. Not until you deal with him.” Lily said.
“So … I should call him?”
She sighed. “I don’t know.”
Rose took a deep breath. “You’ve got to find a way to face it because if you don’t, it’ll just keep following you around like a ghost. Just when you think it’s gone, that you’re better, wham. Something happens and kicks you straight back to rock bottom.”
“Same thing happened when my grandmother died,” Lily said. “I didn’t cry for weeks. Spent all that time distracting myself, rehearsed extra hours, watched a ton of movies. And then, one day, I found her old scarf in my drawer, and I cried for two days straight. It’s unpredictable, grief.”
“But it’s not so sad as someone dying.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. You’re mourning the relationship. It’s the future you constructed that died, and in the end, you still lost someone you love.”
I took a breath and picked up my drink, blinking back tears. “So how do I get closure? What do I have to do? Because there has to be something. I can’t just sit around waiting for another meltdown.”
Rose shook her head. “If you don’t find a way to shut him down once and for all then it’s definitely going to happen again.”
“What do I even tell him? I obviously don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to try again. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. What if he begs? What if somehow he convinces me … tells me … what if I…”
“Go back to him?” Lily asked. “I don’t think you’d do that. Do you?”
“I honestly don’t even know right now. I don’t trust myself, not with him and not with Cooper, and for entirely separate reasons.” I took a drink, almost killing it. Rose reached for it, and I waved her off.
Lily brought a knee up. “And what reasons are those?”
“I’m afraid Jimmy will convince me to come back, and I’m afraid to care about Cooper.”
“It might be too late for that,” Rose said.
“Might be. But I’m scared I’ll make it worse. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Might be too late for that, too,” Lily added.
“Which is exactly why I walked away from him today. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s feelings right now, not when I can’t even deal with my own.”
Rose sighed. “This sucks.”
“Tell me about it.” I tipped my drink back until it was gone and set the glass on the table. “So, I’ve got to talk to Jimmy.”
Lily shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like he’s going anywhere. Ghosting him isn’t really an option. And anyway, ghosting is for pussies.”
“Ghosting?” I asked.
She pushed her hair over her shoulder. “Yeah, you know, when someone just disappears out of your life? Like they vanish, stop texting, unfollow you on social media. It’s basically a way for people to puss out of dealing with their relationships by running away instead of facing the other person and explaining themselves. You’re better than that. You can face him. Let him beg. You’re not going to forget what he did to you. You won’t forget the hurt. But you can close the door so you can move on.”
I nodded, staring into the amber liquid in my glass. “I’m going to have to prep myself for this. Hard.”
“Well,” Lily said with a smile, “luckily you have all the time you need. And you have two friends armed with an offensive sense of humor and lots and lots of alcohol.”
I chuckled. “Well, if that’s waiting for me at the end of all this, then maybe I’ll be okay.”
“Oh, you’ll definitely be okay,” she said, and part of me actually believed it was true.
GIVE AND TAKE
Maggie
IT HAD BEEN A LONG day.
I walked out of Susan’s office that afternoon, dragging myself though the shelter like a dead woman. I’d come in on my day off, not wanting to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to work, focus, put my heart into lesson plans and prepping crafts for the kids. So, in an attempt to be productive, I’d been cutting pipe cleaners and yarn, tracing shapes onto construction paper and organizing the new supplies Catherine sent over.