I chuckled. “Probably wise.” My smile fell. “Do you think she’ll come back?”
He shook his head and sighed. “I don’t know, man. I hope so. I really do.”
CHANCES
Maggie
I TURNED THE PAGE OF Stardust the next day as I sat stretched out on my window seat. Our cocker spaniel Betty lay in my lap, breathing deeply as she slept.
Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
I looked out my window at the red maple that was taller than the house, watching the helicopter seeds spin to the ground.
Just one heart in exchange for another. It seemed so simple, honest and easy. But it had to be equal. And whenever, however could you know that the person you gave yours to would care for it as they would their own?
I let out a breath, and my phone rang next to me. Betty’s head snapped up, her eyes still sleepy, and she looked around for only a second before dropping her head back in my lap with a huff.
My fingers went numb when I saw it was Cooper. I blinked at the screen for a moment, not knowing what to do. Knowing I was almost out of time to decide as it rang again. I took a breath and answered.
“Hey,” I said softly.
He was silent for a few seconds. “Are you all right?”
The sound of his voice nearly broke me. I closed my eyes and laid my head against the wall. “Not really.”
“I’m sorry, Maggie. For everything.”
“Me too.”
“I shouldn’t have followed you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
“I just couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t let it end there.”
“I know.” I had no other words.
Silence stretched between us, and I could feel his questions. “There’s so much I want to say, and I feel like I shouldn’t say any of it.”
I looked out the window, wiped an errant tear from my cheek. “I can’t do this right now.”
“It doesn’t have to be complicated, Maggie. Just tell me that you believe me. Tell me that you want me.”
I do. “I can’t.” I pursed my lips to stop my chin from trembling. “I can’t say the words you want to hear, no matter how much I want to. I spoke too soon once, and it hurt us both.”
Silence.
“I’m broken, and I don’t want to hurt you again. The only answer I have right now is time.” Tears burned my eyes.
He drew a heavy breath. “Are you coming back?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, let me know when you figure it out, okay?”
The seeds spun to the ground like tiny ballerinas. “I will.”
The pause was long, heavy with things left unsaid. “I meant what I said about being here.”
“I know.”
When he spoke again after a moment, his voice was tight. “See you around, Mags.”
“Goodbye, Cooper.”
I set the phone down, swiping at the tears on my cheeks, wishing things were different. But I was where I was because of the choices I’d made. It was my own fault.
Betty looked up at me.
I cupped her muzzle. “How about a walk, Betty-girl?”
Her ears perked up, nub wagging.
“Yeah, I could use the fresh air too.”
I slipped on a pair of flip flops, trotted down the stairs with Betty on my heels, and grabbed her leash from the hook in the entryway, trying to push everything away, leave it up in my room. As if I could turn my problems into a place. An object. Something tangible that I could bury or smash or drop into the ocean to disappear forever.
But that wasn’t how it worked. I just didn’t understand how it did work.
I clipped on Betty’s leash, and we took off, heading for adventure in the form of rogue squirrels and interesting smelling grass. Something about being outside made me feel a hundred times better — the sky, the trees, the air — even though it was already unbearably humid. My hair was so out of control, I looked like I was part sheep, and I started sweating the second I stepped through the door. But with me and Betty out walking through the neighborhood like independent women, I felt more like myself.
We rounded a corner, and I nearly ran into Courtney Dixon. She looked borderline ridiculous walking her dog in full-on workout gear, one of those fancy, expensive brands that suburban women wore to Whole Foods and Starbucks even though they probably didn’t even sweat in them. I knew her workout included exactly this — walking her dog through the neighborhood, trolling for boys, using her own ass as bait. She’d been doing it since we were thirteen. Her dark hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail, and her Rottweiler, Tank, had gotten himself all tangled up with Betty.
But neither one of us cared that our dogs looked like a jumbled-up knot of fur and leash. Because one of the last times we’d seen each other, she was in the middle of getting nailed by my fiancé.
Reasons why I hate living in my home town, number two. Number one starts with J and ends with bastard.
Her cheeks flushed. “Maggie? What are you doin’ here? I thought you were in New York?”
Surprisingly, I found my voice, and I didn’t sound like a mouse. “Came back to see Mom and Dad.”
“How are they doin’?” She flipped her ponytail and smiled, trying to look casual. She was nervous as hell. The thought gave me comfort.
I smiled, going for polite, which was hopefully the fastest way out of the conversation. “Oh, they’re great.”
She avoided my eyes, turning to her dog. “Come here, Tank.”
She bent, trying to unwind his leash from around Betty, who stood under Tank’s legs, panting. Betty flopped down on the ground on top of Tank’s leash, and I’m pretty sure she smiled at me.
Courtney glanced up at me. “A little help, Mags?”
I knelt down, smiling. “C’mere, Betty.” She hauled herself up and relocated at my feet. I unwound the leash and looked up to find Courtney watching me, worrying over her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called.”
I stood up a little straighter. “Don’t be. I wouldn’t have answered if you had.”
She wound the leash around her hand, watching her fingers. “I’m sorry for what we did, and all.”
That numb feeling crawled through me like it always did. “I can’t tell you it’s all right.”
“I know. It’s just that … I … I’ve missed you. It’s been hard without you here, without you in my life.”
My brow furrowed, eyes narrowed. “Are you serious?”
She looked like she’d been slapped. “Of course I’m serious. We’ve been best friends since we were in diapers.”
“Yeah, until you fucked my fiancé. On my wedding day. You made that choice, so I’m real sorry that you miss me and all, but maybe you should have thought about that.” I shook my head at her. “I can’t even believe you right now, Court.”
Her brow dropped, cheeks red. “Jimmy’s a whore, and he always has been. He would have fucked anybody — it wasn’t just me. He slept with half of Madison County, for God’s sake.”
My chest was on fire. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
She hung a hand on her hip, shaking her head. “I’m just saying, Maggie. It wasn’t personal.”
I could barely breathe. “Not personal? What universe do you live in? That is absolutely the most personal it could have gotten. I saw your backstabbing vagina on my wedding day, and it was full of dick. My fiancé’s dick.” I took a few steps away. “All that just goes to show that you were never my friend. And if you hadn’t been fucking him at our wedding, it would have been a year from now, five years from now. I’d rather know that you were a traitor now than later. I mean, how long’s it been going on? Were you giving him blow jobs behind the bleachers in high school? On the stacks in college?”