The look on her face kicked me in mine. It was true. But I just shook my head at her. She couldn’t hurt me anymore, because she wasn’t real. From her hair color to her lip gloss and fancy yoga pants. From the look on her face to her dirty heart. I’d always tried to see the good in her, just like I did Jimmy. Just like I did everyone, until they hurt me and I ran away. They’d made a fool out of me, took advantage of my willingness to trust them. I believed they were better than that. But I was wrong.
I shook my head and let out a breath as I backed away. “You were never my friend, and deep down, I knew it all along. You’ve always known exactly how to make someone feel like a fool. I just didn’t expect you’d do it to me. But you know what? It makes perfect sense. You two deserve each other.”
Her lip curled. “Ugh, bitch.”
I turned and walked away with my heart pounding, feeling a few inches taller and a little more together, wondering if my problems weren’t more tangible than I’d realized.
Cooper
Three days. Three days since I’d heard her voice. Three days of deafening silence.
I’d woken up from a dream yesterday, heart clanging, sweat beaded on my forehead, missing her. Wanting her. All I wanted was to lie in my bed in the dark indefinitely. But I didn’t. I peeled myself out of bed and took a freezing cold shower. Walked through the park to try to find some peace, hoping the sunshine would burn away the thoughts of her.
It didn’t work.
I came home and sat in my living room, watching the city through my windows as the sun set and the city lights blazed, with nothing but a bottle of scotch and memories of her to keep me company. It was the same place I found myself now, the next day, watching the grey clouds roll by, the rain that intermittently fell through the day, streaking my windows, blurring the city beyond.
My phone buzzed on the table next to me again, and I scooped it up, the hope flashing through me as it did every time my screen lit up. But it was just West again.
You can’t stay home forever. Let’s hit the court.
I messaged him back. It’s raining.
When has that ever stopped us?
Right now.
Come on, man.
I set my phone down again.
Time. Space. Distance. Things that she needed. Things I had to give her. Because the only way to fight for her was to not fight at all. I had to let her go and hope to God she came back to me.
But letting her go was killing me.
I thought about her back home, wondered if Jimmy had tried to see her. He’d already reached out to her and said he wanted her back. I thought of him coming to her, telling her he was sorry, pictured her in his arms. Emotion rolled through me like a storm, lightning and rain, a gust of wind. And then it would burn down again, and I’d stare south at Midtown, my eyes on the skyline, though they didn’t see a single thing.
It went so much deeper than just Maggie. I’d been hiding almost my whole life, hiding pieces of myself from everyone. But I hid nothing from Maggie — it was her superpower. She saw straight through me. And when I lost her, I lost the direction she’d given me, the feeling that I belonged. She was my compass. True North. Without her, the needle spun around and around, searching for that stopping point.
But she was gone.
Someone knocked on my door, and I looked over my shoulder, confused as I stood and walked over. When I opened it, I found West and Patrick in workout clothes with duffle bags slung across their chests. West pressed a basketball into my chest.
“Come on. We’re playing.”
I shook my head and pushed it back at him. “How many times do I have to say no?”
He brushed past me and into the apartment with a smile. “Apparently more than you already did. Get dressed.”
Patrick smirked. “You should probably just do what he says.”
I scowled and turned to find West spinning the basketball on his finger. “What the fuck, man. I said I don’t feel like it. What do you want from me?” I closed the door.
“I want you to quit sitting around here licking your wounds. It’s not doin’ you any good.”
“And you think me playing basketball will make everything better?”
“No, but at least you’ll have a reason to shower.”
I shook my head.
“Come on.” He smiled. “It’ll just be for a little while and then you can come back here and get back to puppy dogging.”
Anger flashed through me. “This isn’t a fucking joke. It’s not a crush, West. You know that.”
He met my eyes, smile falling. “I know. But there’s nothing you can do about it right now, is there?”
“No. Not one fucking thing.” My throat closed up, and I swallowed hard.
“Then what’s the harm in coming to the courts with us and not thinking about it for a few hours?”
“What if I don’t want to forget about it?”
He propped the ball on his hip. “You want to wallow. I get it. Just come on for a little while, and then I swear I’ll leave you alone.”
My jaw flexed. “Swear?”
He held up three fingers. “Scout’s honor.”
“Fine.” The word was flat. It would be good to work, to sweat, to forget for a minute, at least. I turned and headed to my bedroom.
West turned to Patrick. “See? Told you I could get him to go.”
I rolled my eyes and walked into my closet to change into a tank and basketball shorts, grabbing my shoes on the way out. West looked pleased with himself as I sat down and pulled one on.
“Don’t look so smug.” I tied my laces.
“Why not? You’ll feel better.”
“Maybe I want to be miserable.” I shoved my foot into the other shoe.
“Yeah, well, it’s kind of pathetic.”
I pulled the knot tight. “Thanks.”
“I’m just sayin’. Mopey Cooper is pretty fucking boring.”
“Sorry I can’t be the clown right now, but you’re a great second-string.” I grabbed my bag out of the hall closet and switched out the towel.
“I aim to please.”
I made my way through the kitchen, packing water and a protein bar. “Have you talked to her?” I asked quietly.
He didn’t answer right away. “Yeah.”
I zipped up my bag with my eyes down. “Is she all right?”
“She will be.”
I finally looked at him. “You’re not going to tell me anything?”
“I don’t know all that much, and if I did, do you really want to know?”
“I don’t know. Do I?”
West shook his head. “Why torture yourself?”
“I just want to know what’s going on with her.”
“She’s at home, and she’s trying to get her head together. That’s really all I can say.”
My eyes narrowed. “Did she tell you not to talk to me?”
He put up a hand. “No. I mean that’s all I know.”
I rubbed my face, pressed my fingers into my eye sockets. “I’m sorry. I just … it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know what to do.”
“I think getting out of the house is step one.”
I almost smiled. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Oh, I’m definitely right. Can we go now? Because my whole plan revolved around us not talking about your feelings.”
That one got me. I cracked a smile. “All right, fine. And get ready, Stretch, because I’ve got the fire in my belly to beat you on the court.”
Patrick snorted. “As if that’s enough to take down the giant.”