“None of them meant anything to me. None of them compared to you.”
“Then why? Why would you do this to me?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out. I don’t have any excuses to give, only apologies. Only the promise that I would never do it again.”
“How could I ever trust you again? What you did can’t be undone.”
“There has to be a way to prove it to you. To make you believe.”
Cooper flashed through my mind, and I looked over the boy I used to love, thinking about the man who I left in New York, the differences between the two sharp and stark. They were nothing alike, that was all of a sudden so clear, it was blinding. “You shouldn’t have to prove anything, Jimmy. It should be undeniably clear in every action you take, in every choice you make. I should never even consider doubting you because the truth is plain and simple. And your truth is plain and simple, it’s just not the one you’d have me believe. You never loved me. You loved the idea of me. You got down on one knee and asked a specter to marry you.”
His brow knit together, his eyes shining. “I’m sorry, Maggie. I’ll do anything.”
“You already did enough. I don’t have anything left to give you. You took it all — took so much that you’ve left me empty. I have nothing left to give anyone because of you, because of what you’ve done. I should have seen it. I should have known. But I believed you, and you made a fool of me in front of everyone I’ve ever known.”
“But there has to be a way for me to make it right.”
The answer was clear. “There is. Let me go. Let me go, and leave me be. You can’t claim me. You say you’re sorry, that you don’t want to hurt me, but every time you do this, you hurt me all over again. Every single time I think I’m patched together, you come back along and blow me back up.”
His jaw was set, face tight with emotion. “Change your mind,” he said softly.
“I can’t. I won’t. I’m not yours anymore.”
His eyes searched my face for a long moment, and I saw him recognize the truth in it. “I understand. Maggie, I was wrong, and I’m sorry.”
It was goodbye. Relief and sadness washed over me, and when he reached for me, I stepped into his arms, curled into his chest, felt my heart let go of him.
I was instantly overwhelmed by the proximity, by my emotions, and the tears fell, my shoulders shuddering as I tried to hold back sobs. One of his hands was in my hair, clutching me to his chest, and after a moment, I pulled away, needing to get away from him. But when I looked up at him, his eyes were on my lips. I held my breath, frozen to the spot, hoping to God he wasn’t about to do what I thought he was about to do.
He leaned down, and the second it was clear that he was trying to kiss me, my arms shot out, pushing him away.
“Goddammit, Jimmy.” My voice cracked, tears slipping down my face. “You didn’t listen to one fucking thing I said. You don’t get to kiss me. You don’t get to stand on my porch and remind me of what I never had to begin with. It’s over. I want you to hear me right now. It’s over.” The chains around my heart fell away with every word. “I don’t love you. I don’t want you. I will never be with you. And you will leave me be. Do you understand?”
“Do I have a choice?” He was hurt, and I didn’t care.
“None. If you ever loved me, let me go. Move on. Let me do the same. Please.”
He took a deep breath. “If you change your mind—”
“I won’t.”
“Well, if you do, I’ll be around. I loved you, Maggie. I still do, and I probably always will. It wasn’t your fault, what I did. It was … I don’t know. My own issues. Something inside of me is broken, but that isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just need you to walk away with that.”
I nodded. It was all I could manage.
He watched me for a moment longer, like he was trying to memorize me, and then he walked away.
My entire body trembled as I turned and opened the door, stepped into the entryway, closed the door behind me, feeling exhausted, spent.
My parents were in the kitchen, trying to look inconspicuous — Mom moving things around on the counter, Dad pretending to read at the island. I dragged myself into the room.
Dad looked up from his tablet, his comforting smile not able to disguise his worry. “Shotgun’s just in there, if you want me to grab it.” He jerked his head toward the office.
I chuckled, not realizing I had it in me. “I think I got it.” I took a seat next to him at the bar. “Have a bourbon with me?”
“Without a doubt.” He started to get up, but Mom waved him off.
“I’ve got it.” She reached for glasses. “Wanna talk about it?”
I took a breath. “I think it’s over.”
Dad smirked. “You mean it hasn’t been over for months?”
I rested my arms on the cool granite. “I mean, I think I’ve convinced him to stay away.”
“How’d you manage that?” Mom asked as she handed us each a drink.
“I unloaded all my truth on him. I think he really believed he could just patch everything up with a little bit of time and a sentimental gesture. I get the feeling he didn’t think I was serious when I left. As if the several thousand miles between us was temporary.”
“In fairness,” Mom said, “you did come back within a few weeks.”
“Only because …” I took a breath and shook my head. “Everything just got so complicated.”
Dad picked up his drink and brought it to his lips. “And did coming back here make it less complicated?”
I took a sip, the taste familiar, comforting. “Nope. But I just faced my biggest fear. All this time, especially after Jimmy sent that horrible box, I wondered if he would convince me to forgive him. Worried that I’d see him and forget what he did. That thought scared me more than anything, but I didn’t forget. I won’t. I don’t think I could even if I wanted to.”
Dad raised his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”
And we raised our glasses to his, clinked them together. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt like everything might eventually be all right.
RASPBERRY CHIP
Cooper
I STEPPED OUT OF THE elevator on my father’s floor that Tuesday morning, hands in the pockets of my slacks. The girl at the wide desk did a double take when she saw me, straightening up in her seat with a smile.
“Good morning, Mr. Moore. Your assistant called and said you’d be coming by. Your father is held up in a meeting, but he told me to send you on back to his office.”
I shot her The Smile as I walked past. “Thanks.”
I was back.
There were things in my life I could control, and I was ready to pour myself into them. I was ready for change.
I walked through the building, past cubicles and offices that grew exceedingly bigger, leading up to the room at the end of the hall. I opened the door and stepped into my father’s office. The space was bigger than most apartments in New York, with floor-to-ceiling windows around three of the four walls, located in the center of Midtown. I stood for a long moment next to his desk, looking into the city, my eyes following the lines of the buildings, windows, the streets below.
I’d spent most of my life wondering what it was all for. When you’re given everything, every opportunity, every whim, why would you work for anything? How could I decide what to do with my life when there was no need to do anything with it? I had no place in the world, not with the friends I’d had growing up, not even with the Habits crew, as much as I wanted to be a part of their world. I was hanging in limbo.