“Mom…are you okay?” I asked.
She smiled bigger as she tilted her head and slowly shook it. “Ellie, darling, your heart is so pure and sweet. Yes, sweetheart, I’m okay. Your father and I have been talking during the last few months about a lot of things. I think I have come to a place where I am able to forgive him. I needed this to happen, so I could have closure and move on with my life. So do you kids.”
I sat there, stunned. “Why didn’t you tell us you were talking to him?” I looked at my father. “Why didn’t you try to contact us? Why did you leave when we all needed you?” I finally lost it and broke down, crying.
Jefferson took me in his arms and held me while I cried uncontrollably from all the emotions surfacing all at once. The next thing I knew, I felt a hand on my knee. I pulled my face away from Jefferson to see my father kneeling down on the floor with tears streaming down his face. One quick look at my mother revealed that she was also crying.
“I’m so sorry, pumpkin eater,” he whispered.
“What did you call me?” I asked in a whispered voice.
“Pumpkin eater—it’s what I called you the first time I ever saw you.” He smiled.
I slowly shook my head. “But you didn’t want me. I was a mistake.”
His mouth dropped open, and he pulled back slightly. “Don’t ever say that Ellie. Ever. I did want you. I loved you and still do. I love you very much. You did nothing wrong.”
He looked up at Jefferson. “And neither did you, son. This is entirely my fault. All the pain and hurt I’d put the three of you through was all my fault. I have no excuse for what I did. I walked away from three of the most important people of my life because I was a scared, selfish bastard. I wanted that free life of partying and traveling that I didn’t get to have. If I had a wife and family, I couldn’t do that.” He dropped his head and began sobbing. “I was a stupid fool, such a stupid fool.”
I slowly looked at my mother, who was wiping away her tears. I was so confused, and my head was spinning.
“Why Angie though? You kissed her before you even knew Mom was pregnant with Jeff.” I said.
He looked up at me, and his eyes caught mine. “Because I was an asshole, Ellie. I don’t have any other reason than that. I was a cheating bastard. I loved your mother more than anything, but there was a side of me that just wanted to…I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Angie gave me attention like I’d never had before, and I…I liked it.”
I peeked over at my mother as she sat there so calmly while she dabbed her eyes. She’d come so far, and I just prayed that this wouldn’t have a negative effect on her.
“Were you happy with Angie?” I asked.
He looked away and then back into my eyes. “No.”
“Why didn’t you come back to us then?” I asked as the anger continued building inside me.
“I tried a few times. I’d go and visit your mom, and I would just end up…well, I would—”
“You’d fuck her and leave,” Jefferson said.
“Jefferson Johnson!” my mother said.
Jefferson looked at Mom. “Sorry, Mom. It just…it makes me so angry. Dad, you have no idea how angry I am.”
My father put his hand on Jefferson’s knee and nodded his head. “Yes, I do. I do know how angry you are because I’ve been angry for the last twenty-something years. I’m angry at myself, at Angie, at my father, who encouraged me to leave your mother.”
I sucked in a breath of air. “What? Why?”
He took a deep breath and let it out very slowly. “Your grandfather didn’t like your mom very much.”
He looked over and winked at her, and she smiled.
“He always thought I should have married someone who came from money. He threatened me when he found out that your mother was pregnant with you, Ellie. He told me he was going to take everything away from me. He was going to disown me for getting her pregnant again. He said I’d never run the family business. My mother though…she loved Sharon and you kids, and it broke her heart when I left. My father wouldn’t allow her to talk or even see Sharon or you two.”
“Oh my god. How could someone have so much hate in his heart?” I asked.
“I don’t know, but I let his hate guide my life. I can’t do anything about it now, but the last few years, I’ve been trying to think of a way to tell your mother and you kids how sorry I am. I never had children with Angie. The idea of having kids with her turned my stomach, so I ended up having a vasectomy right after I left your mother.”
My mouth dropped open, and at first, I couldn’t speak. “So, you spent all those years with a woman you didn’t love, away from the love of your life and your kids…to please your father?”
His eyes looked so sad, and my heart actually began to hurt for him. I no longer felt anger toward him…only sadness.
“Yes,” he barely said.
My mother stood up and walked over to us. She held out her hand, and my father took it as he slowly stood. They walked back over to the sofa and sat down together.
My mom took a deep breath. “When your father contacted me a few months back, I wasn’t sure how to feel. When he told me how he felt…I won’t lie…a part of me wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and pick up where we’d left off all those years ago.” She looked at him and smiled, and then she looked back at Jefferson and me. “But I love Philip with all my heart, and your father and I have talked about this. He certainly didn’t expect me to just fall back into his arms.”
“I wished it though,” he said with a weak smile.
I couldn’t help but smile at their easy banter with each other, and I looked at Jefferson, who was also smiling.
“We talked about him coming and talking to you kids—when we both thought it was time.” She quickly glanced at him and then back at us.
My father cleared his throat and nodded his head. “I wanted to see you both…to tell you how sorry I am for what I did…for leaving you and causing your mother to fall into such a deep depression. I don’t expect your forgiveness, but I certainly would love it,” he said with a small smile. “I want you each to know that the days you were born were the happiest days of my life. And to see how you’ve each turned out to be such caring, loving, and successful…” He stopped talking as his voice cracked. “I’m so very proud of each of you. So very proud.” He smiled at Jefferson and then me. “Your mother and I decided to wait until after the New Year, but I don’t think I have…I don’t…I…” His voice trailed off as he looked down at the floor.
My mother grabbed his hand and held on to it as she wiped a tear away with her free hand. “Jeff, Ellie…your father has stage two lung cancer. It has spread to his lymph nodes. He has had surgery, and he is about to start a combined chemotherapy and radiation treatment. The doctors are very optimistic though.”
I put my hand up to my mouth. Just when I thought I was getting my father back, it felt like he was leaving again. I slowly shook my head. “No…you just came back to us.”
My father’s eyes captured mine, and I felt like I was looking into my own soul.
“Pumpkin eater…” he whispered.
I stood up as he did the same, and I walked into his arms. I began crying, and then Jeff took us both into his embrace.
“I love you both so much. Please know that I’ve always loved you both,” our father said in between sobs.
“Daddy…you just came back to us. Please don’t leave us again,” I said.
Jeff hugged us both harder.
I wasn’t sure how long we stood there…wrapped up in our embrace. My heart was slowly feeling whole, but at the same time, it was breaking in two.
As we all sat back down, our father began telling us how he used to come to our school events and how he almost approached us each time.
“Did you see any of my games at UT, Dad?” Jefferson asked with a cracked voice.
My father smiled so big that I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Hell yes, I did. You were an amazing football player. That you did get from your old man,” he said with a wink.
I heard Ari clear her throat behind us, and we all turned and looked at her. She was holding Grace while Alex and Luke were holding hands as they stood next to her. I got up and walked over. I took both their hands and led them to my father.