"She wasn't very big, was she?"
Quentin turned a bit on the sofa to better look at Diana where she sat at the other end. She was leaning forward, elbows on her knees as she gazed into the cold fireplace nearby.
The lounge was empty except for the two of them, and though it was nearly one in the morning, neither of them had suggested they call it a night.
"Ellie, you mean?"
Diana nodded, still without looking at him. "She wasn't very big at all. And couldn't have been more than...what? Twenty-two? Twenty-three?"
"About that."
"We didn't talk about her much. I mean, she was lying there, dead. Murdered. Just a few yards away. And we hardly talked about her."
"We were all thinking about her. You know that."
"I guess."
Quentin drew a breath and let it out slowly. "Without a certain amount of detachment, cops couldn't do their jobs. Not for long, anyway."
"But what was my excuse?"
"It isn't an excuse, Diana, it's just the way things are. Death is always around us. We all learn to deal with it the best way we can, sometimes just moment to moment. But you of all people know it's not an ending. Or at least not an absolute ending."
She turned her head then and looked at him, frowning. "I hadn't thought... but that should make me feel differently about death, shouldn't it? That I know there's some kind of existence beyond it. That I know we don't just...stop."
"Maybe you will feel differently about it one day."
"But not today?"
Quentin hesitated. "A lot's happened in a very short time. You probably haven't even begun to process it all."
"Have you?"
He found the question surprising at first, but then not so much. "You're wondering why I haven't asked you any details about Missy."
"You've spent so many years thinking about her. Working to solve her murder. Going over the facts again and again. It's been an obsession."
"Yes. It has."
"So, yeah, I guess I'm surprised you haven't asked me more about her."
"What could I ask? If she looks the same? I know she does. If she's happy? I know she isn't. If she'll help me solve her murder? I know she won't."
"She said... it wouldn't help me to know who killed her. That it wouldn't help you. I don't know what she meant by that. I'm sorry."
"It's all right."
Diana shook her head. "It isn't all right. Because now you're here. And Missy's here. Not so far away, in one sense, not with me here too. Almost close enough to touch. I touched her. I touched her hand, and it was... surprisingly warm. And then I opened my eyes, and it was your hand I was touching."
Quentin didn't say anything, just looked at her.
"We're connected, aren't we, the three of us? I'm connected to Missy by blood, and you're connected to us by what happened twenty-five years ago."
"It's a little more complicated than that," he said finally.
"Is it? Why is it?"
"Because we're alive, and Missy's dead."
Diana turned that over in her mind. "I don't understand."
"I know you don't. It's another thing you haven't really had the time — or the emotional energy — to process."
Her frown returned. "Is there something between us? You and me?"
"What do you think? No — what do you feel?"
A little laugh escaped her. "I feel... raw. Overloaded. Numb one minute and incredibly aware of everything around me the next. I feel afraid a lot. And anxious. Confused. But not in the gray time. Isn't that strange? In the gray time, I feel calm and sure of myself. It's like pulling on a comfortable pair of jeans I've worn so long they're almost a part of me."
Quentin nodded. "That's when you're tapped in, connected to your abilities. When you're centered, balanced. Whole."
"And when I'm here? In the everyday world of the living? Why can't I be centered here? Why can't I be balanced and whole?"
"You can be. You will be. But it takes time, Diana. You might have learned to do it by now, but they cheated you out of that time with the drugs and the therapy. You... have a lot of catching up to do."
"Consciously."
Again, Quentin nodded. "Your subconscious has been learning for years, obviously. Maybe all your life. In dreams. During those blackouts."
"I thought of the dreams and the blackouts as me being... out of control," she murmured, half to herself. "But I was most in control then, wasn't I?"
Quentin sensed danger in that question, though he couldn't have said just why. "Maybe. On some level. But as gifted as you are, that isn't your natural state, Diana."
"Isn't it?"
"No, of course not. We exist in the... everyday world of the living. Physically and emotionally, this is where we belong. What we tap in to in order to use our abilities is a place we visit, not a place we live."
She looked at him as if she would have asked another question, but instead said, "I suppose you're right."
Again, Quentin felt uneasy without knowing why. The little voice he sometimes heard was silent, and yet he had the sense of something being slightly off, even wrong.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm tired." She smiled faintly. "It's... been a long day."
"Yeah. Look, until we know what's going on here, I'd feel better if you didn't spend the night in your cottage. Why don't you take my bed, and I'll bunk down on the sofa bed in the sitting room?"
She didn't exactly protest, but said, "Nate has officers patrolling the grounds."
"I know. Still."
"There are plenty of empty rooms here in the main building."
Steadily, he repeated, "I know."
Diana looked at him for a long moment, then nodded. "Okay. Thanks."
And it wasn't until a few minutes later, when they were in his suite and she was about to close the door of the bedroom, that Diana went back to a subject they had touched on earlier.
"There is something between us."
At the moment, there was a door between them. A door she was about to close.
He stood there looking down at her, wanting to say more than he knew he should.
Not now. Not yet. She had been through so much, and her own words told him she was too confused and unsettled to be able to handle anything more right now.
So all he said was, "There was always something between us, Diana. Try to get some sleep."
At first it seemed she'd question that, but finally she just nodded, and murmured, "Good night." And closed the door.
Diana didn't know if it would work. Whatever control she sometimes managed to have while in the gray time, the fact was that as far as she knew, she herself had never instigated that... process. She had always been called, summoned really, by one or more of the guides. Dragged from sleep or into one of the scary blackouts without so much as a by-your-leave.
Or, as in the most recent case, by the voice in her mind she thought now had probably always been Missy.
Which meant she hadn't a clue how to, on her own and without prompting, fashion or open a door into that realm.
But she had to try. Because among the countless puzzles and questions of this day, one question stood out from the rest, haunting her.
She had to at least try to find the answer.
Quentin wouldn't approve, she knew that. And she also knew that his likely disapproval was worth paying attention to for the simple reason that he was far more experienced in psychic matters than she was — consciously, at any rate — and very likely knew when something paranormal shouldn't be attempted.
Which was why she hadn't told him she was going to try this.
She made herself comfortable on his bed, lying atop the turned-down covers, propped up with an extra pillow. She turned off all but the lamp on the nightstand, so that the room was only softly lighted.
Even as she closed her eyes and tried to relax, Diana was aware of the nagging notion that attempting this so near in time and place to a vicious murder was probably not the safest thing she could have done.