Where to?
Back!
It took Ginger a while to get it. So you don’t have anything? Nope. The driver pulled over to let her out. We didn’t even say goodbye. I took off through the bushes and stiffed the cabbie. It was sad, but I had to.
I managed to get drunk just like old times. How far can it go? I asked myself. What am I capable of? The lid was blown off for good. And from all those black corners … all those train station faces, an evil power made its way into me, I don’t excuse myself, it was me who let it in. First I went out behind the ties. To my chamber. Found a bottle there, good boy! Ondra knew that was where I hung out, and left me in peace. Kid’s got this station cased better than anyone, he knows his stuff. And what awaits him, too. If he survives, he’ll turn out a bum. Maybe king of the bums, if he’s strong. Heh, knight on horseback, he’ll get over that soon enough. I got mean … accused Gramps of owing me money … he was by himself and scared, coughed up some change. I drank. What am I capable of? What’ll I do next? That was my refrain. Outta my way, asshole … I shoved someone aside … someone who maybe the day before I’d drank with, hugged, searched for the same words, maybe even bedded down next to in the same lousy rags … his story, I bared my teeth at the loser, he kept his mouth shut, slunk off. His luck, motherfucker. Coulda had it all behind him, miserable piece a shit. I don’t remember anymore who it was. I went to the men’s room, where sometimes I retreated when the string got too loud … sat there shakin my head, wishin it would stop … and I had to hear all the sounds and the bullshit … it hurt so much! I ripped the mirror off the wall, trashed the place a little. Some upper cruster slipped out. I’m human, what am I capable of. This, I stomped up the bakelite, an this, I punched out the lightbulb, the red stuff came trickling out, that only enraged me more … I went downstairs, at this time of day the hookers were usually by the ladies’ room … you, come with me … no, not you, she was too young for what I wanted, you, picked out an old biddy, some raspy old hosebag, barely draggin … how much ya got? As much as you want … but c’mon, move it … out by the bushes … We walked outside and went up toward the ventilators, into the scanty light’s shadows, I noticed drops on the bushes, dew I guess, can that be? What’d you say … what dew? How do you wannit? She ran her hands over my crotch. I saw that it was Howdoyoudo Lolly. But what would she be doin downstairs, she works a different post … groping me, painted face like a mask … you ain’t even hard … how much ya got? I got this … she knelt on the ground, mouth open, I put the barrel to her forehead, quick, so she wouldn’t see, wouldn’t be scared … squeezed the trigger, she had a hole in her head, and then the sound kicked open the night, blood spurting, mouth still open wide, she tipped backward, legs shooting out, the blast deafened me. No, it couldn’t’ve even hurt, I wasn’t holding the gun anymore … you see, I told myself, that’s what you’re capable of … and if you’d wanted, she could’ve suffered, the possibilities, it’s horrible. So I can do … even this. I stood waiting … somebody must’ve heard it go off, waiting … for someone to come, the cops … anyone at all … but nothing happened, she lay there under the bushes, drops on them. Glistening. Leaves hanging there in the cold light, everything as before. I leaned over her … is it Howdoyoudo or not … and agh … I screamed, or gasped … it was an old lady’s face, white hair, swollen body … the body of my She-Dog, this was the old lady I’d held in my arms there, where she’d given herself to me, in the cellar.
I fled through the park, hands pressed to my face, I could hear my breath and my teeth knocking, couldn’t control my jaws … my face was twitching.
I lay down under a bush, it was almost daylight. My head ached. But the string lay peaceful in the dark. It was a dream, my mind raced … I wouldn’t do something like that … but I didn’t have the pistol … I got up … found the spot. The grass was flattened, yes … this is where she’d been, but there was nothing there now, stains on the leaves … not blood, I tore one off, brown, crusty, barely alive in the wind and the dust … went back inside, dragged myself through the concourse … in the men’s room I ran water over my head … place was all smashed up, but when isn’t it, I can’t tell … they could’ve changed the light-bulb. I went looking for Gramps. By some miracle … I had a little money, bought him a cup of coffee. I know I owe you, Gramps, but about yesterday … yeah, you got sloshed an went off to snooze in the park. Yesterday, Gramps … I heard some lady got killed … hey, what do I know, people talk all kindsa shit here, what’s wit you? Hangover. Yeah yeah … hookers come an hookers go. I guess it was a dream then … I took a sip. Maybe not, said Gramps. Ah! … scalded my tongue. C’mon, Gramps, you know a thing or two. I donno nuttin, what do I know what kina dreams you got … Christ … he shuffled off … you’re goin nuts here, he shouted back at me, better hurry … while you’re still young … get out!
I believe that I prayed genuinely for the first time in a long while … thought about my folks too, the old family … I’d told them to go screw themselves, back then, in the ancient past, which was hollow … but they used to take me. To church, when I was little. I had to. Now I said: I am not worthy for you to come under my roof, but speak to me just one single word … and my soul will be healed. I said it with affection. But there was silence. And I screamed because … I patted myself down to make sure I hadn’t lost the Madonna too … then I really donno, then I’m lost. She was there. Around my neck.
I walked out of the concourse and off through the park, not because of what Gramps’d said, not because of the day before … and even if it didn’t happen, it was still an important dream, it meant something. I walked away … the sun was coming up, it’s usually a little misty and a little cold then, and suddenly I heard behind me: Wait! Where ya goin?
Away.
Hey … I’m goin with you!
No way, not where I’m goin …
Aw, lemme go with you.
No.
I knew the kid … was still there. Heard him start running and spun around.
Ondra! He stopped.
I’m tellin you … no way!
Way!
Look … I picked up a stone. Cut it out. You can’t come.
Take me with you …
And he started running, so I threw the stone.
I didn’t want to hit him. But I knew he was used to it. He wouldn’t’ve understood otherwise. The last time I turned, he was still standing there. His puny build. Pissed me off. I walked out of the park.
22
IN A FIELD OF EVER-CHANGING COLORS. WHO I’M SCARED OF. ONWARD, TO THE LAB. THE STONE. SHE’S GOT A VEIL, SHE’S KIND. SHE SAYS: YOU HAVE TO.
I didn’t go to the place with the sign. But once I found myself downtown, where all it’d take was a little jog to get to her attic flat … to the place where we’d shared our things … I couldn’t go there either.
I had the key. Tucked safely in my jacket’s inside pocket. Everything on me hurt. The string didn’t make itself heard, that I kept a watch on. But the pressure on my chest. There, where I had the silver, I could feel every bit of skin, it was like it had scales. Like Madonna’s wise and kindly face was tugging me toward the ground. The ground. I mostly walked with my eyes lowered. I didn’t want to see the others. The thought of disappearing into the trams’ iron bellies struck me with horror. People inside hung on the bars, looking out. I went very cautiously and slowly, following the path. There was only one left.
I hadn’t remembered the Dump like that. Sure … I’d heard a thing or two. It had expanded. The town fathers found it profitable to lease out unused plots of land to big foreign firms, which not only tossed out lots of stuff still usable by the locals, but even paid to do it.