The gardener was a smoker, the first few I could barely stomach, but I was coming back … coming back to life.
I might, said Maria, I might have to go away.
What? No!
Yes, we have missions, in the Andes and elsewhere … and now I can tell you, you may go one day too.
With you?
No, that’s out of the question, she laughed, I told you, the order may ask something of you.
They’ve found other people with signs …
Yes, said Maria.
And the order sent them somewhere?
Yes.
And hey, sweet Maria, did they come back?
Yes, on my honor, they did come back. But they belong to the order.
Didn’t find anyone, huh?
That’s right, said Maria. No one.
Tell me what it’s all about, Sister.
Come on, you know.
I got a hunch, but I donno nothin. And let me tell you, sweet Maria, thank you for everything. Now, since there might not be an opportunity.
You’re going to run away? Leave?
Not just yet.
Now you’re lying.
You can understand, Maria, my girl’s all I care about. Černá’s her name. I can’t just wake up one day, learn Spanish, an set out into the jungle, or the mountains, or I donno where, to go look for some Saint.
You of all people can, Maria laughed. I could tell you that I’ll be punished, severely punished, if you leave. But it wouldn’t be true. If you do run away though, I warn you. You owe a debt to the order. And one day, sooner or later, you’ll have to pay it back.
What, you mean they’ll come after me?
They’ll know where you are.
For another week or so, I would learn Spanish in the morning — Yo no tengo dinero, for instance — and then, between lunch and supper, I’d learn sign language from the gardener. Mostly all the old fogy taught me was phrases like: get the rake, bring the watering pot, weed this, water that, more manure, want a smoke? We jingled.
And one night … I couldn’t sleep, all riled up thinking of Černá … craving her with all my might … the door to my room flapped open like a black wing, noiselessly, a chill gusted in from the hall, and in walked Maria, leaned her back against the doorframe, some simple coat on over her habit, gasping for breath … this is it, she said, I have to go … I got up, then quick snatched the covers back … she just shook her head, that movement that says, yeah yeah … so, she said … watch yourself out there, Sister, an I owe you a lot, really … forget it, and you watch yourself too, then at last I walked over to her, caught hold of her shoulders, but she gently pushed me away … placed a finger on my lips, said: God be with you … and was gone.
I didn’t go after her, I never went after her, we had a sort of pact. I couldn’t sleep a wink afterwards. And during my morning lesson I was rather unfocused.
I expected a scar when they took off my bandages, but I’d only lost a little hair … on the side that wasn’t wounded, it had even grown out a little. I’ll get my do fixed somewhere else, I told myself. Since Maria had left, the only people I’d seen were Father Antonio and the gardener. I’m betraying you, dear sisters, but for her sake … I’m more bound to her, don’t be angry … and to the spot where I’d seen the image of the Saint, I said rudely: I don’t know who you are, but thank you for showing me your beautiful face … and don’t you get mad either, you know what I saw in your face … I think you definitely get what I’m sayin, and wish me luck on my journey … after all, what do I know, you’re the Great One … just that time is still running and the order knows about me. Samaritas, protect your Maria Anna Fatima Coseta, I mean it! … and me too, if possible … Christ, protect us all if you’ve got the power, everybody needs it … or if you choose, your business … I nearly crossed myself, but with the order still unrecognized … I worked it out somehow.
In the morning I left my pajamas there.
It woulda been pretty shitty to steal em.
And then … despite the fact that he was making the sign for the watering pot, I snatched the ladder and propped it against the wall, the old geez leaned on his rake and watched … afraid he’d try to stop me, I crept up the ladder … keeping on the alert, he made another sign … all right, I said to myself, I’ll risk it, on purpose, see what it does … I jumped down and went over … he handed me one and lit it, I kept watching in case he made a sudden move, wouldn’t’ve advised it, but no, he just nodded his head and blinked his eyes, rapped his forehead and pointed to me and then pointed … I quick undid the bell, the gardener grinned and laughed, forcing the laughter out like some kind of substance. I’d gotten used to my sleigh bell, the gardener was right.
I was glad to be able to tell him goodbye. We stood there, the faint sun of early spring glaring in the mist above us, like a medallion I guess. When I’d finished my smoke, he slapped me on the back and made a sign like he couldn’t see, struggling with the rake … At the top of the ladder I got a slight case of vertigo, but I swung myself up and was over the hump and holding on and dangling down, let go, and rolled up to the feet of some pedestrian, a baldy in a tie with a briefcase … back again, I told him, he moved his legs out of the way … I got up and felt fine.
I rubbed my eyes, shut off my view, then stared back … the door had a knocker, yep … and that symbol, the sign on the door, I was there the whole time … another place that’d changed masters, now it belonged to the sisters, oh She-Dog, I was right on top of the spot the whole time … and surely, my She-Dog, it’s thanks to your forgiveness, because you forgave me, that I came back … and I’m alive, I won’t go there, not down those steps and into that cellar, I just climbed down a high wall, now I’m on the other side … and I’m going to live and I’m not going back in there, not anymore.
23
BUT I WASN’T SURPRISED. ODD JOBS. I WAIT. I SEE … THE CURVE OF HER NECK.
Černá wasn’t there. At the entrance my heart was pounding and I had to lean on the banister, the rest of the floors I sprinted up, and burst in the door … and she wasn’t there, she couldn’t be. Everything was as she’d left it. As if nothing had happened since. I remembered our last night together. Never did forget it.
There were candle stumps and dust all over. Her clothes and mine. I went through the flat. A bottle still chilling in the bathtub, refrigerator full. I threw out the spoiled stuff, wiped off the dust and swept away the cobwebs. Calmly and quite methodically tidied up. Fine, I’ll start over. With everything. I’ll wait and ask questions. And if she doesn’t turn up, I’ll hit the road. Just as soon as it gets warmer. I was lured to her desk, maybe she had some papers in there. But I didn’t dare yet. That was her territory. I could turn to the authorities. I mean there’s no way a girl could just vanish, is there? In a small country like this? Oh yeah, there’s a way, you know there is. I sat on the bed. I was scared to lie down. I might start howling and tear up the pillows.
And that little piece of metal was gone. The one I swiped that proved to me the whole story was true. It wasn’t there. But I wasn’t surprised.
Černá’s didn’t exist anymore. Galactic had different owners. I realized I knew a lot of people only by their nicknames. I hunted around for Micka. Couldn’t find him in the phone book. At the Dóm they told me he showed up from time to time. With his partners. But where he was or what he was up to, they couldn’t say. Or didn’t want to. They didn’t know me. I’d sit around the Dóm, nursing my drink, hadn’t found much money back at the attic. Everything here was going fast, and the loot I’d saved up in the Organization era wasn’t valid anymore. I took it as a sign.