Blinski made a negative sound, gave a tiny, frustrated shake of his head. “Shoulda died too…”
Ah, hell. Liam gripped the railing tighter. What the hell was he supposed to say? Struggling to find the right words, he finally came up with, “Wasn’t your time, I guess.”
Tears rolled out of the corner of Blinski’s eye, disappearing beneath the thick wad of bandages covering the rest of his face. “God, wish I was dead,” he choked out.
Liam shot a helpless glance at Freeman then back at Blinski, resisted the automatic urge to argue and tell him not to talk like that. “Do you need more pain meds?” Clearly the guy was suffering despite whatever medication they were giving him and it made Liam feel sick to his stomach with helplessness.
Blinski closed his eye as a ragged sob tore free, his blistered mouth contorting. “Why couldn’t I have just died?” he moaned, and Liam knew he wasn’t really talking to him or Freeman.
“Naw, man,” Freeman interjected, stepping closer to the bed, a worried frown on his face. Liam noticed the beads of sweat dampening the man’s dark skin. Being powerless in this kind of situation sucked. “I know you feel that way now but plastic surgeons can do amazing things, and when you touch down your wife will be waiting to see you—”
“I don’t want her to see me,” Blinski bit out in that chilling, rough-edged voice as he shot a one-eyed glare at Freeman. “Fucking look at me.” He lifted the bandaged stump where his right hand had once been, grimacing in pain as he did so.
The force of the distraught words coming out of that ruined throat had the hair on Liam’s nape standing up. Christ, maybe they shouldn’t have come in at all. Freeman fell silent and clamped his lips shut, his gaze going to the floor.
“Kim’s going to be there for you through all this,” Freemen said at last, his voice firm despite its low volume. Liam didn’t say anything, relieved that Freeman was trying to get Blinski to focus on the positive, give him something to hope for. “They’re flying her to Germany to be with you.”
“Not after she…sees my face,” he whispered tearfully. “I’m a H-Halloween mask. Fucking Freddy Kruger, all…melted and shit, I…” He trailed off as another ragged sob shook him.
“Yes she will,” Freeman argued, his voice tinged with a hint of anger this time. “She’s a good woman and she loves you. You’ll get through this together.”
“No.” Blinski shook his head. “No…”
Liam swallowed, thinking of the pain Blinski had already suffered and the countless rounds of plastic surgery he would face during his recovery. Probably years of it. And Liam barely knew Kim. He had no idea how seriously she’d taken the “through sickness and in health, through good times and bad” part of her marriage vows. Even if she could get past the horrific scarring her husband had suffered, she might not be able to handle the accompanying emotional and mental trauma.
So no, Liam couldn’t even imagine what his fellow Night Stalker was going through.
After a few minutes of tense silence Blinski was back in control. His eye opened again and focused on Liam, the expression in it almost accusing. “What the fuck am I gonna do?” The desolation in the question was like a punch to the diaphragm.
Liam opened his mouth to say he was going to have to take this one day at a time, but Blinksi kept talking.
“Did you know Kim…was a beauty queen?”
Liam shook his head and stayed silent, letting the man vent. There was no other comfort he could offer.
“High school valedictorian.” He paused, sucking a raspy breath into his ruined lungs. “Modeled until…she had Jesse.” Their six-year-old son.
His lips clamped together for a moment. “He’s gonna…be terrified of me.” Anguish poured out of him. “My son won’t fucking be…able to look at me.” This time the sobs ripped free without any restraint, as if he couldn’t hold them back anymore. Awful, raspy noises came from his chest, ending in feral growls as his body stiffened.
The guy was in fucking agony, inside and out.
Unable to stand it, Liam grabbed the call bell and hit it. Seconds later a nurse came rushing in. She took one look at Blinski’s condition and went to the IV. “I’m gonna give you a higher dose, okay? Take the pain away and let you get some sleep.” She shot an accusing glare at both Liam and Freeman, who stood there in silence. Liam didn’t know about Freeman, but he suddenly felt like an asshole for being here.
Moments after she’d adjusted the drip and injected something into the line, Blinski’s restlessness faded and his eyelid began to droop. “Wish I…was dead,” he mumbled as his eye closed, that raspy voice barely audible.
When he was out, Freeman expelled a hard sigh of relief and scrubbed a hand over his face. Liam headed for the door, feeling ill. Out in the hallway he turned to find Freeman stopped by the closed door, his head down, one hand rubbing at the back of his neck in clear agitation.
God. “That was tough,” Liam murmured, shaken. They’d come to support Blinski but maybe they’d made things worse for him. He felt bad about that.
Freeman looked up at him, his dark brown eyes tormented as he pressed his lips together. “I don’t…” He shook his head, tears gleaming in his eyes. “I can’t…” His normally stoic and unflappable co-pilot covered his face with one hand, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
Inwardly cursing, Liam grabbed the man’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Freeman leaned into him slightly, his face still averted as he tried to choke back the tears. Liam squeezed the sturdy shoulder he held. “I know. I know, it fucking sucks and it’s not fair,” he murmured, holding tight. This was the reality of the danger they all faced every time they went on a mission. Confronting it face-to-face was still a shock though.
It was a stark reminder of how fragile life was, and of the things that truly mattered. Honor’s face appeared in his mind. It could have been him lying in that room burned beyond recognition. And then what? Aside from his regiment, who would have given a shit if that happened to him? Would Honor stick with him through something like that?
Hell yeah, she would. He knew it without question, and a wave of self-loathing washed over him. What the fuck was wrong with him that he’d walked away from a woman like that? He’d already been regretting his actions. He couldn’t stop thinking about her, still couldn’t believe he’d walked away the other night. His feelings for her weren’t ever going to go away.
He shelved that worry for later. “He won’t go through this alone,” Liam said to Freeman.
The other man nodded, fighting to get hold of himself. After a few moments he pushed away. He sniffed, wiped a hand over his wet face and cleared his throat. “You think he’s gonna make it?”
Liam ran a hand through his hair. “Physically, yeah. I mean in time, as far as medicine will allow, anyway. The rest?” He blew out a breath. “Hope to God he’s as strong as I think he is.” It could be that Blinski would never be able to cope with what had happened to him. He faced a long, hard road ahead of him, one Liam didn’t envy.
Together they left the hospital and walked in silence back to their barracks. The late spring sunshine was hot as it beat down on them but Liam felt cold all the way to his bones.
Freeman shot him a sideways glance as they neared the security gate leading to the Spec Ops area. “Guess Honor left this morning?”
Liam concealed his reaction to the mention of her name. Freeman was well aware of how he felt about her. Though Liam hadn’t said anything, Freeman likely had an idea things had reignited between them after the base attack. “Yeah.” He paused. “I fucked up.”
“Sorry, man. That bites.”
Gritting his teeth, Liam only nodded. For the past two days he’d been wrestling with his decision, going over every detail.