“Maybe. Still have nothing to say to him.” Nothing good, anyhow. Even as she thought it, a sliver of guilt needled her. They were both too freaking stubborn for their own good.
Pride goeth before a fall. That was a mistake they’d both made more than once in their relationship.
She rubbed a hand over the back of her neck, wondering what else to say. She’d talked to Erin about the situation because it was necessary for her sanity, but even her best friend hadn’t really helped her feel any better. She’d feared that talking with Dev might be a little awkward since she and Liam were casual buddies, but Honor appreciated having a sympathetic female ear from someone she could trust.
“Look, I know he cares. We both still care, but that’s not enough and if he’s not willing to forgive me, what can I do? He can’t keep punishing me for it.”
“No, of course not. This is on him now.”
She really loved that Dev was standing with her on this. “Well, I’m tired of the constant back and forth. It’s like a bad soap opera,” she muttered. “No more.” Because fuck him.
Only problem was, she couldn’t shut her feelings off that easily, which only made Liam’s idea of “closure” harder to swallow. She’d thought coming stateside would help her mentally shift away from having to let Liam go, but being back home only made the loss of him more acute. Everywhere she went there were reminders of him: at home, on base, places around town they’d gone to together. It was never-ending. Thank God things had been busy at work, otherwise she’d have been as depressed as she had been when they’d broken up initially.
Dev kept watching her. “So that’s definitely it this time?”
“Yes.” Though it sounded firm, the admission caused a sharp twinge in her chest. “It was probably stupid of me to give in like that, but when he just showed up and said he wanted closure, I thought that’s what I wanted too. I thought I needed it as much as he did. But I still don’t have it.” And she was pissed that he’d treated what they’d shared that night as a simple goodbye fuck when they both knew it had been way more than that. She wanted to punch him for the way he’d treated her.
Dev made a sympathetic sound. “That’s so hard, I don’t know what to say.”
It was. “I don’t know what it’s going to take for me to get over him. I’m fully aware of how unhealthy this all was. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, then I guess I must have been insane.” She gave a humorless laugh. “God, maybe I’m as nuts as Charity.”
“Uh, no, sorry. She’s in a different galaxy from your kind of nuts.”
She gave Dev a wry grin. “Thanks. That makes me feel slightly better.”
“Welcome.” She looked up as the waitress arrived to take their orders. When she was gone Dev continued. “How are things with your sister, anyway?”
Honor shrugged. “Same as they’ve been for the past year, I guess. She’s seeing the same therapist and whatever meds they’ve got her on seem to be doing the trick.”
“Do you guys keep in touch often?”
“No, and I haven’t spoken to either of my parents in over a year either. Charity did contact me after the base attack though, to make sure I was okay. I dunno, our relationship now is hard to explain. I love her because she’s my sister, but I’m not going to let myself get close to her again. I can’t.”
When Dev stared at her without saying anything, it hit Honor all over again at how much her words mirrored Liam’s. Once someone had hurt you that much, it was nearly impossible to let them back in again.
She snatched the menu from where it rested between the salt and pepper shakers and the wall. “So I’m definitely ordering dessert. I deserve chocolate.”
“Yeah you do,” Dev agreed with a firm nod of solidarity.
Honor waved a hand. “Anyway, enough about all that. Tell me about the wedding.” Which Liam was also invited to. Honor wasn’t sure he’d even be able to attend, but if he did, she was going to have her work cut out trying to keep a smile on her face for the event. She’d suck it up for Dev and Cam though.
Their food arrived and Dev told her all about the wedding and reception planned at a resort in Leavenworth, about a two and a half hour drive from Tacoma. She kept it brief, only giving the high points before finishing with a shrug and a “that’s it”. Honor knew it was because her friend didn’t want to rub her about-to-be-wedded bliss in her face. The consideration only made her love Dev all the more.
“What about things at work since you’ve been back,” Dev asked, shoving a ketchup-dipped fry into her mouth.
Honor forked up a bite of the decadent six-cheese mac and cheese. Saturated fat and a plateful of empty calories? Bring it on and keep it comin’. “Pretty good. Usual stuff. Got a couple guys going through rough times at home though.”
Dev nodded. “Think you’ll be seeing a lot more of that now that you guys are back.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. Not my favorite part of the job, though I don’t usually get involved unless one of them comes to me. My NCOs are pretty awesome.”
“That’s good.”
“There’s one guy I’m pretty concerned about.” Ipman. He’d become sullen and withdrawn, almost antisocial over the past few weeks. Hell, Andrews was like a ray of sunshine to be around compared to him now. Things between Ipman and his soon to be ex-wife had deteriorated substantially since he’d come home. Honor hadn’t gotten involved in the day-to-day happenings but kept tabs on the situation by getting periodic reports from Smithers. “Not much I can do without my superiors finding out about the situation and I’d prefer that didn’t happen.”
“Understandable.” She popped in another wad of fries.
Honor’s cell phone rang from her jacket pocket. Fishing it out, she saw Smithers’s number and answered. “Hey. What’s up?”
“The shit hit the fan at the Ipman household,” the sergeant said. “He’s in jail.”
Honor sucked in a breath. “What?”
“I’m not clear on what happened exactly, but he was sloppy drunk when he came into the house, threatened his wife and put his fist through the wall. Broke his hand but considering his blood alcohol level when they booked him, I think he’s only starting to feel it now.”
“This was on base?” If MPs had gone to get him, everyone on his block would already know about it.
“No, this was at his wife’s sister’s place.”
Oh, awesome. Honor rubbed her forehead. “Did a judge set bail or anything?”
“No, and from the looks of things I think they’ll be keeping him at least overnight.”
Hell. “I’ll come down right now.”
“Thanks, ma’am. You were the first person I thought to call.”
“Glad you did. Where are you?” When he told her she consulted her watch. “I’ll be there in twenty.” Hanging up, she looked across the table at Devon. “Speak of the devil.”
“Duty calls?”
“It’s why they pay me the big bucks.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a twenty then tossed it onto the table. “Sorry to run, but I gotta go meet my sergeant. Rain check on the chocolate coma?”
“You bet.” Dev slid out of the booth and hugged her. “Call me anytime you need an ear, okay? And if you want me to knock some sense into Liam next time I hear from him, let me know. I’m totally down for that.”
Honor squeezed her tight. “Thanks. I have a few more rants left in me yet, I’m sure. I’ll call you soon.”
“You better.”
Releasing her, Honor stepped back. “Well, off I go to perform damage control.”
Dev offered an encouraging smile. “Good luck.”