My own regrets.
I should have walked in there. I should have apologized. I should have begged for her forgiveness. I should have promised that I would never hurt her again. I should have done whatever it took to make her look at me the way she had our entire lives.
But I didn’t.
I did none of those things.
Not one.
Nothing was said between us.
No words.
No actions.
I was a coward and couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see her like that. I couldn’t look into her eyes and know that I had hurt her, that I had disappointed her. That I ruined her love and lost her respect for me.
The boy who promised he would never hurt her.
The boy who swore he would always protect her.
The boy who vowed he would never let anything happen to her.
That same boy was me.
I was the reason she was bawling.
I was the reason she was hurt.
I was the reason she was broken.
She knew the truth. It had finally caught up to me. I shattered her illusion that I was hers. I ruined the one good thing I had in my life. The girl that owned my heart was bleeding out for me in a way that I had never seen before. The house was no longer our safe place.
I had brought my hurricane with me…
I couldn’t risk the possibility of losing her permanently if I walked in there and admitted my truths. She wouldn’t love me anymore, she wouldn’t look at me the same anymore, and she wouldn’t be mine anymore.
My brown eyed girl.
The girl that I had loved all of my life.
The same girl that I would love for the rest of my life.
Alexandra.
I gave her the only comfort I could in her moment of despair. I turned around and left. I walked down the stairs and got into my truck. I turned the engine on and drove my sorry ass home. I took a shower and never once looked at myself in the mirror. I pretended that nothing changed. That I didn’t cause her pain, and that she didn’t know the truth. That I didn’t see her sobbing and that she wasn’t even bawling to begin with. That we were still just best friends, and that she was my girl and I was her boy.
My Half-Pint and her Bo.
It was better than knowing…
I. Ruined. Us.
“Are you okay, honey?” Mom asked, walking into my bedroom.
“Mmm hmm,” I mumbled, lying in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I hadn’t moved since I got home the night before.
“You’re not dressed, Alex.”
“I don’t feel so good.”
She felt my forehead. “You don’t feel warm.”
I shrugged. I didn’t feel like moving, I barely felt like talking.
“What happened last night? I saw your face when you came home. I heard you crying all night but I left you alone because I wanted you to have your privacy. Now tell me please.” She sat beside me, rubbing the back of my head.
“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry, Mama.”
She frowned. “Is it about Lucas?”
I slightly nodded.
“Baby—”
“Please. Please don’t make me talk about it. I don’t want to cry anymore. It is what it is.”
She sighed. “You know those boys are going to want to come check on you when they don’t see you at service today.”
“I know.”
“Are you ready for that?”
I nodded again.
“I know it hurts now, Alex. Trust me, honey, I remember what it was like being your age. It’s probably one of the hardest times in a young woman’s life. Not being able to understand the emotions that you feel so deeply in your heart. It will get better. I promise you that everything happens for a reason, and one day you’ll understand what that reason is. Even if it feels like you’re dying now.”
I opened my mouth to say something.
“You’re so young. You both are,” she added, taking my will to say anything.
“Yeah…”
“I love you, Alex, and I will always be here for you. Even if you think that I will be upset with you, I am always your mama, and nothing you can ever do or say will change that. Do you understand me?”
“I do.”
She smiled. “Rest and shower. Try to eat something. I’ll keep the boys away as long as I can.”
“Okay.”
She kissed my head and left my room. I don’t know how long I stayed there, wrapped in my own cocoon. The tears were gone. I used them all. Nothing would take away what I already knew and I hated that more than anything. I’d rather not know. It was easier to pretend.
I wanted to stay there.
I got up, took a shower and dressed. Patiently waiting for the boys to arrive to give a performance of a lifetime.
Where I was his Half-Pint and he was still my Bo.
I watched them all exit Lucas’s truck from my bedroom window, my heart rapidly beating through my ears. Lucas was the last to round his truck, a bag from my favorite donut shop in his hands. He appeared the same boy as always, and I would be lying if I told you it didn’t sting that he didn’t just know. That he couldn’t feel that I was hurt.
How stupid is that?
I took a deep breath as I heard the pounding of their steps coming up to my bedroom, each one louder than the next, mimicking my heart in every way, shape, and form.
“I can do this,” I told myself, putting on a brave and casual face.
I heard a knock on my door.
“Why you knockin’ on the door?” Austin probed.
“She’s a girl, you fucking idiot,” Dylan replied annoyed.
I rolled my eyes, chuckling. It eased the pain I felt in my core. “Come in,” I called out.
Dylan walked in first followed by Austin and Jacob.
“I told you she was faking,” Jacob stated, sitting beside me, tugging me over to his side. “You cheater!”
Dylan plopped down at the foot of my bed and Austin leaned against the headboard. Lucas was nowhere to be found.
“Why’d you lie?” Jacob asked, kissing the top of my head.
“I didn’t feel well.”
“You look pretty. Girls don’t look pretty when they aren’t feelin’ well,” Dylan chimed in, looking smug and grinning.
“Girl problems,” I stated, knowing it would make them uncomfortable.
“Ugh!” Jacob backed away and leaned on my window. “Enough said.”
“Where’s Lucas?” I blurted, adjusting the tone of my voice, picking at the seams of my bedspread to avoid their eyes.
“Who the fuck knows,” Austin informed. “He was behind me.”
“It’s hot as shit outside, let’s stay here and watch movies all day. Your mom said we could order stuff on Pay Per View,” Jacob said, none of them paying me any mind.
“Half-Pint,” Dylan peered up at me through his lashes. “Want to go make us some popcorn and get us some drinks,” he requested in the softest voice.
I smiled. “Sure.”
I heard them arguing about which movie to watch as I left my room. We were watching a man movie with or without my consent. I eagerly made my way through the house, hoping that I wouldn’t run into Lucas alone. I quickly put the popcorn in the microwave, setting out two more on the counter. The boys could eat.
Everything.
“Need any help?” I startled when I heard his voice from behind me, spilling the soda on the counter.
“Shit! Sorry.” He swiftly grabbed paper towels and wiped up my spill.
I kept my gaze on the counter, serving the rest of the drinks, silently praying he couldn’t hear my heart that was pounding out of my chest. It was weird to be that nervous around him.
I didn’t like it.
“No worries,” I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. “Where were you? You just snuck up on me.”