She instantly froze, as if I had dumped frigid cold water on her. Sliding her bathing suit top over and pulling down her shirt, she closed her eyes tightly as if it pained her to look at me.
“What?” she softly spoke.
“Half-Pint,” I coaxed.
“Was I not good?”
“Fuck no,” I said too harshly. “That has nothing to do with it. You felt too good.”
She contemplated what I said for a few seconds. “So did you. I felt like my body was—”
“I know,” I cut her off. Not being able to hear her say that she was just about to come.
That I almost made her come.
I’m a fucking asshole.
I finally opened my eyes and beheld the ceiling. I couldn’t look at him I was too embarrassed. Nothing even remotely close to that had ever happened to me before. It was like I didn’t have any control over my body, and I rode this high that wouldn’t drop.
What was that?
It was the first time I ever felt his manhood. The thought alone caused my skin to burn, igniting the already fuming flames into my bloodstream. Producing a tingly sensation down there, where our most sacred parts had just met. I felt some unfamiliar sensations between my legs. An occasional pulsating in places unexplored. It was also safe to say he felt it, too. The hardness pressing into my ache was a dead giveaway.
“I’m sorry,” I heard him say.
“Why are you apologizing?”
“Because it’s so fucking wrong what I just did. I would never use you like that. You know that, right?”
I nodded. I did.
“It takes two to tango, Lucas.”
“Yeah. But I started it.”
That made me sit up and look at him. His hair was a mess and his skin was red all over. It was his eyes that struck out to me the most. They looked the same as they did that day on the beach when we were kids. They looked the same after every intimate moment that we’ve had since.
My heart lifted. He did want me.
“What if I started it?” I blurted unexpectedly for the both of us.
“What are you saying?”
“You heard me.”
“Half-Pint, you would never do that,” he adamantly stated. “You’re not like that.”
My face frowned. “Why do you always do that?”
He shook his head, confused. “Do what?”
“That.” I stood up and stepped in front of him. “You have put me on a pedestal and you treat me like a doll! You can touch me, I want you to touch me. I am not a child anymore. I want to experience things and I want them to be with you. I’m almost sixteen years old and I’ve only been kissed by you, it’s always been you.”
His jaw clenched. “That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what? What did you mean?”
He sighed, pulling back his hair again. It made his arms appear bigger. The ache between my legs once again made itself known.
“I just meant. You’re different and I love that about you. That’s all. You’re not like the other girls.”
“But you want those girls,” I justified.
“No.” He swept a piece of my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. That simple touch had me melting into his hand.
“I want you,” he huskily rasped.
I was speechless and by the look on his face he knew it.
“You have to know that, Half-Pint. All I’ve ever wanted is you. I don’t care about anyone else, nothing compares to the way I feel when I’m with you. Or how your skin feels against mine, or how I live to see your face light up for me. It’s your innocence, it’s your spunkiness, it’s the girl,” he accentuated with wide eyes. “That would try to kick my ass if I ever called her one. The same one who grew up before my very own eyes and turned into the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I fucking love you,” he paused to let his words sink in. “I loved you then, I love you now, I’ll love you always.”
“Bo…”
I soaked up everything he had just shared with me. Every last word. It felt like daggers attacked my already aching skin, especially at my heart. Everything in my body screamed, “Yes do it.” It ate me up inside. It was the burden of knowing that if I gave into us, I would be causing a major rift between all of us.
I remembered the conversation from the restaurant as it was just yesterday. Maybe if I didn’t know, maybe if they hadn’t warned me. Maybe if I wouldn’t of known that Lucas and I being together would cause all of us to drift apart, maybe things could have been different.
We could have been different.
But they had warned me. It was my moment of clarity and I wasn’t strong enough to inflict any more pain on my boys than I already had. Then we already had. I continued to let Bo say all the things that I waited to hear for so long.
I needed that for myself.
“I’m sorry things got out of hand, but I had to touch you. I had to feel you beneath me. I want to know every part of you, Alexandra. I’ve wanted that ever since I can remember. But that’s not the way it should have happened and for that I apologize. At the end of the day, I don’t care about anyone or anything but you.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. The boys, my parents—”
I stepped back away from him and immediately felt the loss. “No. Lucas, I could never. I won’t,” I babbled. “I mean. I can’t. I would hate myself if I ever came between you.”
“What are you talking about?” He stepped toward me.
“When was the last time you saw the boys?”
His eyes moved all around the room and then he nervously laughed. “Come to think of it, I guess a few weeks.”
“They know.”
“Know?” he lingered.
“That’s why they haven’t been around you. They’ve been treating me different, too. Aubrey said—”
“Aubrey? You know about Aubrey?”
“Yeah. Do you?”
He didn’t have to say anything, I could tell by the look on his face. It all made sense now. Especially the times I caught them in deep conversation.
“You don’t think…”
I shook my head. “She would never. But she’s right. They don’t like it, and I can’t be the reason that you would lose them. It would kill me.”
“Alex—”
“Let me finish, please.”
He nodded, allowing me to continue with what I planned to say in the first place.
“All my life, all I’ve ever known is you and the boys. I didn’t care about anyone else other than my boys. You’ve always meant something more to me, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that they mean something to me as well. I love all of you. You’re each apart of me. I’ve realized that this thing between you and I has caused a rift with all of us.” I took a deep breath, willing myself to keep going.
“I can’t be the cause of that between you boys. Just like you can’t be the cause between them and me. They mean too much to me and I know they mean just as much to you.”
He bowed his head with recognition that I was right.
“You boys are my family and my heart and soul, Bo. There is no Alex without any of you. Please tell me you know that I’m right, I need to hear you say it.”
“I can’t, Alex,” he murmured loud enough for me to hear. “In the back of my mind I know that you’re right.” He peered up at me with so much emotion in his eyes that it nearly brought me to my knees.
“But in my heart, in my heart I don’t care. I hate myself for that because I should care. I’ve always been a selfish bastard, and the way I feel about you and not caring about them, it proves that. That’s the honest to Gods truth.”
I didn’t think it was possible to feel anymore shattered than I already had.