I never imagined there could be a pain like this.
I thought I experienced every sort of devastation possible at the hands of Lucas, but nothing came close to this. Nothing compared to this. Nothing prepared me for this.
Not. One. Thing.
“Is it his?”
“You know those tests could be wrong. Sometimes they’re wrong, it’s not a hundred percent accurate. I read that on the Internet. Want me to send you the link?”
“Is. It. His?”
“Yes,” she murmured, loud enough for me to hear, it echoed through the phone.
There was no stopping the tears from falling down the sides of my face, one right after the other. No start or ending to how my tears flowed, they were relentless. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think.
“Alex, are you there?”
It was my turn to be silent.
“He loves you. He loves you so much. You’re his soul mate and he’s yours. You have to believe that. Everyone knows it. That’s why she trapped him. She’s like the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz. He doesn’t love her. She knows that. Do you want me to beat her up? I’ll kick her ass after the baby is born. Alex? Please say something.”
“I got to go.”
“Alex! Alex!” she yelled out, as my hand fell to my lap, I hit the end button on my cell phone. Instantly a picture of Lucas and I was on the screen. I stared at it while my mind was stuck on one word.
Pregnant.
My arm shot up and I flung my phone across the room. I watched as it flew through the air, stopping when it connected with the wall. It shattered into bits and pieces, scattering throughout the carpeted floor. I sat there and stared off into space, then looked around my room. There were pictures of us everywhere, presents that he had given me, memories all over, and it made me sick to my stomach to see it.
It was too much.
It was too real.
It overwhelmed me and consumed me.
It hurt me and slayed me.
Like a giant blade was driven directly into my heart.
I reacted.
I leaped off the bed and let the rage, the fury, the craze take over. I went from feeling nothing to an infinite stream of hurt, pain, and emptiness. I had been a ticking time bomb that waited. Exploded.
I was loud, disastrous, and chaotic.
I would take everything in my vicinity with me, like a hurricane whirling around, merciless and unforgiving. It elicited feelings I never thought were possible, emotions that no one should ever have to experience. I felt every loss of breath, every tear, every memory, everything he ever said to me, and everything he ever promised me. It was all lies.
Lies.
All of the lies cluttered my mind for my will to keep going, for me to push through. I couldn’t keep up with the agony, it clasped onto me like a vice. Taking me deeper underground, where there was no one, but me.
Alone.
I darted around my room, my feet stomping everywhere I stepped, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. Throwing pictures, vases, I went after anything and everything I could find. My eyes blurred with nothing but tears. My body twisted with nothing but hate and my desire to fall apart.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I yelled, talking to myself. I repeated it over and over to let it sink into my pores and make it become a part of me. Making me truly believe it, truly know that this was the end.
“Jesus Christ, Alex,” Aubrey yelled, running into my bedroom. “What’s going on?”
“It hurts! It hurts, Aubrey, it hurts so bad!” I crumbled to the ground and she came with me.
“What? What hurts? Are you okay?” she panicked, trying to comfort me as I sat on my knees with my body hunched over.
“I’m trying to keep from dying… I’m just trying to keep from dying,” I bawled, big, huge ugly tears.
She pulled my head into her lap and I wrapped my arms around her waist. “I can’t breathe, Aubrey. I feel like I can’t breathe,” I sobbed uncontrollably.
“Shhh… it’s okay, Alex… it’s okay, I’m here,” she sympathized, her own voice breaking.
I collapsed into her lap. The more I cried, the more I realized, I was no longer.
His brown eyed girl.
When I heard the knock on the door I just knew.
Call it intuition. Call it a sixth sense. Call it being fucking perceptive. I don’t give a shit. I knew when I opened the door Alex would be standing there.
Broken.
Hurt.
Devastated.
All because of me.
I took a deep breath, being grateful that no one was home but me. This wouldn’t be pretty, not even a little bit. When I opened the door to find her standing there like she hadn’t slept all night, I wanted nothing more than to take her into my arms. Comfort her anyway I could, except she would never seek refuge from me again.
I was her destruction.
“Is it true?” she immediately asked, and I shamefully bowed my head.
“Is it fucking true?!” she yelled.
I instantly looked back up at her. I had never in my twenty-one years heard Alex cuss. Not one time. I stumbled back a few feet from the impact of her words.
“You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.”
She shook her head and stepped inside, slamming the door behind her. “Oh no, Lucas Ryder, you do not get off that easy. You will say it to me! You will look me in the eye and tell me!” she screamed loud enough to break glass.
I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly dry. With a heavy heart and a guilty conscience I said, “Yes, it’s true. Stacey’s pregnant and I’m the father. The paternity test proved it.”
“Is she keeping it?”
I was shocked that she would even ask me that. “Alex, you know I could never… yes.”
“Are you going to marry her?” Her eyes filled up with tears, nearly bringing me to my knees.
“Never, we’re not together, this was an accident. I’m going to help her raise the baby, but that’s all.”
“You say that like it’s so easy.”
“I fucked up.”
“That’s all you ever do, Lucas. You’re one big fuck up.”
I jerked back, hurt. “I needed you, Half-Pint. I needed you so fucking bad. You want to start pointing fingers. Let’s start there.”
She wiped away her tears and narrowed her eyes at me, offended. “Wow. It’s my fault that you can’t keep your dick in your pants? Oh no, let me rephrase that. You can’t keep your dick in your pants with anyone besides me. With me you can.”
“No.” I pointed at her. “That’s not fucking fair.”
“Fair? You want to talk about fair! You have led me on since I could basically fucking walk, Lucas! You string me along. When I finally, finally tell you that I want you, that I need you to please make love to me, to show me what you’ve been saying to me for so long. I pretty much throw myself at you. What do you do? Huh? What do you do!? You kiss me and look deep into my eyes and tell me that you can’t. You turn me down and make me feel like a fool, like a child! Exactly the way you see me!”
“Are you fucking joking? A child? You think I see you as a child? Jesus Christ, Alex, fucking touch my cock and I’ll prove to you that I don’t see you as a child.”
“Too little, too late,” she viscously spewed.
I yanked the hair away from my face and held it at the sides of my head. Wanting to tear it the fuck out.
“Why her, Lucas? Of all people, why her?”
“I told you. It was an accident. I was drunk as shit and barely remember any of it,” I scoffed, disgusted with myself. “I needed you and when I found you.” I stepped toward her, right in front of her face and I was surprised she didn’t step away.
“When I found you, you were in our house. With him.”
Her eyes widened and her breathing hitched at the realization of what I said.