Lucas’s mom was still sick but fighting. Every time I saw her she looked worse than the last time though the smile never left her face. I knew she didn’t do that for anyone’s benefit other than her own. That’s just the type of person she was.
“Would you like to hold him, Alex?” Stacey asked, catching me completely off guard. The surprised look on my face must have been evident because she added, “You’ve been staring at him all day. It’s okay if you want to hold him, I think he’d like that.”
This was the most Stacey had ever said to me. I nodded in reply. I couldn’t find the right words to express how much I really wanted to hold him without it sounding like the overwhelming confusion I felt. I guess we had all grown up, including Stacey. Her gesture floored me, realizing she had turned into a mature woman who put others before herself, finally.
I never thought that would ever happen.
“He looks so much like Lucas, right?”
I nodded again, hugging Mason to my body as he laid his head on my shoulder. I couldn’t help it. I placed my nose in his hair and inhaled his baby scent.
“It’s not fair that I carried him for nine months and he comes out looking like Lucas.” She rubbed his head. “He likes you. He’s usually skittish around new people.” She softly smiled. “Maybe he can sense your bond with Lucas.”
I took in her words and looked down at him, taking in the feel of him lying across my chest. It didn’t hurt like I always assumed it would, which is why I kept my distance from him to begin with.
I loved him instantly.
“If you want to see him again, all you have to do is ask. I mean you can stop by whenever, too, when you’re in town. To be honest, it would be nice to have the company. I don’t have many friends, especially after having him,” she chuckled. “He takes up all my time, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.” She lovingly smiled at him and then at me.
It helped to ease my confusion. “Umm, yeah, I would actually love that. I mean if it’s okay.”
“Of course. It’s good to see you, Alex. I mean Cole always seemed like a nice guy, I’m happy for you.”
It was that exact moment that I locked eyes with Lucas from across the room. “He is,” I simply stated, rocking Mason in my arms with Lucas looking intently at me. The expression on his face was enough to have me weak in the knees. I knew what he thought. He didn’t have to tell me. His demeanor screamed it at me from the distance between us, and the realization of that was also written clear across his face.
“Would you like to put him down for his nap? He’s exhausted.”
I glanced at her. “I’d love to.”
“Okay, great. You can lay him down in Lucas’s old room, his pack and play is in there.”
“Okay.”
When I looked back toward Lucas, he was gone. I quickly peered around the room, but he was nowhere to be found. Stacey kissed Mason’s head before I took him upstairs to Lucas’s room. I didn’t think about either of them, I just wanted to enjoy baby Bo.
“You see this room, Mase? This room is where your daddy and I used to hang out. It holds so many memories, maybe one day I could tell you about them,” I murmured to his sleeping body that I didn’t want to take out of my arms.
“I hope you do. Either way I’ll tell him. Who knows he might have a brown eyed girl of his own one day.”
I turned to face him when I heard his voice. He leaned against the doorframe, one leg over the other with his arms crossed over his chest.
“Like father like son, huh?” I grinned.
“One can hope.”
“You look good, Lucas. The facial hair suits you. You got this whole pirate thing going on.”
“You look beautiful,” he voiced with a sincere look of longing in his eyes. He didn’t even try to hide it.
“Thanks. I’ll be twenty-one soon, I’m getting old,” I replied, wanting to lighten the mood. “Do you want to put him down?”
He shook his head. “I’m enjoying watching you hold him too much.”
I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything.
“How’s Cole?” he asked in a way to remind himself that I wasn’t his anymore.
“He’s great. He would have loved to be here, but he had to stay behind in California, his LSAT’s are coming up. He wants to get into Berkley.”
“And you?”
I shrugged. “I’m not quite sure yet.”
“Are you planning on staying on the West Coast?”
“I think so. I mean we haven’t really talked about the future yet, you know? I guess we will just play it by ear.”
“How serious are you guys?”
“Wow, what is this twenty questions?” I breathed out nervously. “How are you? Lily says your business is taking off.”
He nodded, but that’s all.
“You seeing anyone?”
He shook his head no.
“Well, you know you still have lots of time for that. Women love men and babies so—”
“I have no interest in that, I lost my girl a long time ago,” he finally spoke.
“Right…” I turned back to the pack and play. “Well, I’m going to put him down. I told Lily I would come hang out with her before I left. I need to head to my parents in a bit. My flight leaves tonight,” I rambled, gently laying Mason in the pack in play.
I was about to leave, but he stood in front of me, purposely leaving me no room to move around him.
“It was great seeing you.”
I instantly looked down at the ground, anxiously playing with the seam of my shirt. “You, too.”
“You look good, all grown up. I’ve always loved your hair long, I’m glad you haven’t cut it.”
I nodded, inhaling his intoxicating scent. Combined with Mason’s, it was enough to make my heart melt and my body warm that I had to shut my eyes. I hated that he still had this effect on me, and as if reading my mind he pulled me into a tight hug, causing me to freeze upon contact, leaving my arms at my sides.
“I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry for everything I ever put you through. Everything I ever did. I have no excuses for it, but I need to apologize. There were so many times I thought about picking up the phone and calling you, or just showing up on your doorstep. I can’t take any of it back, though. I love my son. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I’m sorry I hurt you in the process, I can’t say that enough.” He kissed the top of my head like he had done thousands of times before.
A part of me had been waiting for this moment. I had wanted it, needed it even. Here I was with his arms around me and it didn’t make things any less complicated. My feelings toward him hadn’t changed. I was beginning to think they never would.
“I love you. I’ll always love you,” he murmured so low I could barely hear it.
“I know…” and I did. I pulled away from him but didn’t look him in the eyes as he stepped aside for me. I walked to the door but faltered even though everything in my body told me to flee.
“Everything happens for a reason, Bo,” I stated, walking out of the room, whispering, “I will always love you, too,” but not loud enough for him to hear.
I made my way to the bathroom, needing to splash some cold water on my face. I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I felt guilty about my lingering feelings toward Lucas. I thought with time they would go away, they hadn’t, but that didn’t take away my love for Cole.
Lucas was my past.
Cole was my future.
Plain and simple.
I took a deep breath, looking down the hall to make sure Lucas was gone before heading to Lily’s room. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I opened the door.
Lily and Jacob.
Jacob and Lily.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
“Holy shit!” I cussed with my mouth wide open.