He turned his head enough to brush kisses over her hand. “I’m sorry for the things I said to you that night. I know I hurt you.”
“You did hurt me. I knew you had to go, but you didn’t have to do it that way. Why did you?” The pads of her fingers smoothed over his lips.
“I have some things to sort out, Briony, but it isn’t about you-or the baby. It’s about me and my character and who and what I am. Never you.” He caught her hand and held it against his throat.
“I swear I was on birth control pills, Jack. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I wouldn’t do that to a man. And I’m capable of raising a child on my own. You won’t have to worry about me asking for money or anything. I need survival skills… ”
“Briony, stop,” Jack ordered. His hand curved around her neck, fingers working to massage the tension out of her. “It’s my child too. I want you here. I want the baby here. I’ll teach you the things you need, and after the baby is born, we’ll both protect him together.”
Her heart jumped, but she wasn’t ready to hope again. “Why do you think it’s a boy?”
“Because my heart couldn’t take a girl. Can you imagine some boy trying to date my daughter? I’d be sharpening my knives when he came calling.”
Briony’s soft laughter was muffled against his chest, but the sound played through his body with the strength of a tidal wave. He’d expected the rising, urgent need, but not the contentment, the joy. He didn’t know joy, didn’t understand it, was even wary of the emotion. It crept over him, stealing into his heart whether he wanted it or not-brought by a woman, by the sound of her laughter.
“You’re so silly, Jack.”
“I’ve never been called that before. I know it was difficult for you to come here.” He knew that was a mild way of putting it, but Briony always did what she thought was right-no matter the cost to her-and going to Jack had come with a high price tag.
The smile faded from her face. “I want this baby. I know we weren’t looking for it to happen, but the minute the doctor told me I was pregnant, I was happy. I’m really serious about being able to do it on my own.”
“I know you are. I’m really serious about being a part of your lives.”
Her smile lit her eyes. “Boy or girl, a child is such a miracle, don’t you think?”
She was the miracle. “Yes, it is,” he replied quietly. “Go to sleep, baby. I can feel how tired you are.” He stroked caresses through her hair. She was bone weary-more, she hadn’t felt safe in a long time. He wanted her to feel safe in his home-in his arms.
He rocked her gently, letting the night work its magic. So many times Ken and he had come home weary and wounded and sat on the porch listening to the night. Insects hummed, owls fluttered wings, bats dipped and whirled, and deer moved with grace through the surrounding forest, comforting them. His heat seeped into the cold of her body, warming her as her lashes drifted down and her body relaxed fully into his. Her breathing became soft and even, as she snuggled like a broken child in his arms, sheltered close to his heart.
Boy or girl, a child is such a miracle, don’t you think? Jack thought about her innocent statement for a long time. He sat in the dark with the moonlight spilling into the trees, listening to the sound of water running over the rocks and the night insects calling to one another while he rocked her to sleep. A child is such a miracle, don’t you think? Briony boiled everything down to such simplicity. Was a child a miracle to him or not? Did he want the child? Or only Briony? Was there room in his life for a baby? How did he feel?
There was no sound, but he was aware that he wasn’t alone long before a shadow fell across him. He looked up to see his brother standing, hands on hips, bare feet, dressed only in drawstring flannels. Scars covered his face, ran across his shoulders and down his arms, over his chest, and disappeared into the low waistband. Even now, the skin was raw and red, shiny and raised, an ugly mottled remembrance of falling into the hands of a madman. For one moment Jack felt the stirring of anguish. He hadn’t been there, hadn’t been protecting his brother’s back. Ken had been sent in his place. Jack should have been there, and he would carry that sin to his grave.
He looked up, voice casual. “Can’t sleep?”
“Nope.” Ken sat on the edge of the railing, swinging one foot. He looked easygoing and relaxed, but Jack knew him too well. “She all right?” Ken indicated Briony with his chin. His eyes glittered like silver in the moonlight, a warning of impending battle.
“She cried herself to sleep. She’s had a rough time,” Jack said.
“We’ve got to talk about this, Jack.”
Jack closed his eyes, rested his head against Briony, and inhaled her scent. It wrapped him up like a heady dream. “I know. I know we do. I should have told you when I came back from Kinshasa, but there didn’t seem much point. I walked away from her. I did the right thing; I just walked out and left her to have a life with a decent man. Damn it, Ken.” His eyes snapped open to glare at his twin. “I walked. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.”
Ken nodded. “I’ve felt it, ever since you came back. Our connection is too strong for me not to feel how difficult it was. But this is dangerous.” He passed a hand over his face. “I came out here to tell you you’ve got to give her up, that you can’t risk it-but seeing you with her-feeling what you’re feeling… ” He shook his head. “I don’t know how you could.”
“For the first time in a long time, I’m afraid, Ken. I always figured if I went psycho, eventually they’d send someone better than me and I’d get whacked. I knew I’d never turn on you-but now… ” He stroked his hand down Briony’s hair. “I couldn’t stand it if she looked at me the way Mom looked at him.” He shook his head slowly. “I’ve already got the beginnings of his ways. I’m too obsessive over her. I can’t think about anything or anyone else. I don’t want anyone close to her.”
“Does that include me?”
“I was afraid it might, but you’re close to her now and I don’t want to shoot you, so maybe not.”
A faint smile crept into Ken’s eyes. “That’s a relief.”
“I can’t let her go. I just can’t, Ken. It’s like looking through different eyes when I’m with her. I feel hope again.” He shook his head again, feeling a fool. “When I came back this time, I wanted it all to end. After having her-and walking away-I just wanted it all to be over.”
Ken scowled. “I knew you felt that way. What are we going to do?”
“You’re going to give me your word of honor… ”
Ken stood up, shaking his head, hand raised to stop his brother. “Don’t. Don’t ask me to do that. It’s not an option.”
“It’s the only option we have. I’m telling you I can’t let go of her. I swear, Ken, I don’t know what I’d do if she tried to leave me.”
“You’d harm her?” Ken’s voice went quiet, his gray eyes once again catching the silvery light of the moon.
“No! Never! Never that. I’d destroy myself before I’d ever do anything to hurt her.” Jack caught Briony closer, held her protectively. “I’m totally fucked, Ken. You have to give me your word on this.”
“The baby?” Ken persisted. “How do you feel about the baby?”
Jack sighed. “How would I know what I feel? I don’t recognize feelings anymore. You’re beginning to sound like those shrinks they always want to send us to.” He’d been sitting in the dark contemplating that very question and still had no real answer. Did he want the baby because it was a tie to Briony or because it was his child?