Amy and I were in our pajamas, unwinding before bed.
I kissed her forehead. “Don’t wait up for me.”
“You’re not going out,” she said.
“No, just need to listen to something Regina sent me. Sleep well, love you.”
She yawned. “You too.”
I took my phone to the kitchen, stuck in my earbuds, and tapped Play.
Olivia Parisi’s voice said, “Sorry about the other day.”
“No problem,” Regina said. Gentle and warm, gal pal extraordinaire. “How’s Owen doing?”
“Oh my God, it was so insane. He eats the most random things. Like, I had to pin up my shower curtain ’cause he basically chewed off the bottom.”
“Oof.”
“I give him plenty of food, so it’s not that. The vet said it’s a condition... I always keep the bathroom door shut, but I must’ve forgotten, ’cause in the morning it was open, and he’d just torn the place apart. Tissues, toilet paper. I had a brand-new box of contacts on the sink. Somehow he got into them. He ate the lenses.”
“No.”
“Yeah. Literally ate them. I don’t know, maybe he liked the taste of the saline.”
“Is he okay?”
“He’s fine. They told me he’ll poop them out. But every time he does this, it’s five hundred dollars.”
“On the plus side, his stomach is twenty-twenty.”
They were both laughing.
“I’m glad he’s okay,” Regina said. “And thanks for meeting again.”
“Of course. Anything I can do to help. Did you speak to the people whose names I gave you?”
“I did. Thanks.”
“Were they able to tell you anything?”
“Not much. Several of them made a point of saying how in love you two were.”
“That’s nice to hear, I guess.”
“One thing I asked was why Adam would be in Oakland. Nobody seemed to know. When we talked, you couldn’t think of a reason, either, other than to visit Trevor.”
“I was thinking out loud,” Olivia said. “I don’t actually know if that’s what he was doing.”
“Right. I also spoke to Kirsten. She said that when Adam was at Sarah Lawrence he had a relationship with a man, which was what led to him being hospitalized.”
Silence.
“Were you aware of that?” Regina asked.
“Was I aware...? I mean, yes. Yeah. Yes, I was aware. We were together for almost five years. Of course I was aware.”
“Did Adam have other relationships with men?”
“You’re asking me if he was gay. Is that it?”
“More like bi. Was it a onetime deal or something else?”
“He was not gay and he was not bi.”
“Okay.”
“He was my boyfriend,” Olivia said. “We had sex. Good sex. You can think whatever you want, you don’t get to decide.”
“You’re right.”
“Fine, but you’re acting like one thing, from a long time ago, gets to define who he is. People experiment. I did all kinds of stupid stuff. It doesn’t mean that’s who I am for the rest of my life.”
“I’m not trying to box Adam in,” Regina said. “I’m sorry if it feels like that.”
“It does. That’s pretty much exactly what it feels like.”
“Then I apologize.”
“I know I’m not like a, a supermodel, or whatever, but can you give me a little credit, please? I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t want me in that way. I couldn’t.”
“Sure.”
“He didn’t have to, like, force himself to... He loved me.”
“I don’t doubt that at all, Olivia.”
“No, but. Listen. Okay? Me. He loved me.”
“I believe you,” Regina said.
“You should.”
Silence.
“How old are you?” Olivia asked.
“Forty.”
“Are you married?”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“How old is he?”
“A little older.”
“Lemme guess, he’s a perfect gentleman.”
Regina laughed softly.
“I’m serious,” Olivia said. “Guys my age, you have no idea. I don’t know if it’s too much porn, or...” A beat. “One guy, it was like our second date, we’re making out on his couch. We hadn’t really done anything, just kissing. He starts choking me.”
“Oh God.”
“Yeah.”
“What did you do?”
“Grabbed his hands, like, ‘What are you doing?’ He was all, ‘Oh, you don’t like that?’ Like I’m the weird one. Like it’s a normal thing you do. And, I don’t know. Maybe it is.”
“I’m so sorry, Olivia. That sounds so frightening.”
“Yeah, it was. And I mean, I’m not trying to make this about me. But it’s not like it’s always been easy, okay? I’ve had things happen in my life... Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I think I do.”
Silence.
“Did you report it?” Regina asked.
“Report what? Nobody’s going to believe me. He’s just gonna say I asked him to. Look, I don’t care about that. My point is, I’ve met tons of guys, and they all have a thing. Okay? All of them. Adam... He treats me well. He’s honest. I never questioned his feelings for me. Do you get how rare that is? If he has needs, and I can’t give that to him, and it doesn’t affect me, why should that upset me? I’m happy for him.”
“Sure.”
“Everybody has hobbies,” Olivia said. “If he was into, I don’t know. Cars. Went crazy over cars. I’m not going to get upset over that. That would be stupid. I’m not going to feel jealous of a car.”
“I hear you,” Regina said. “And I think you’re brave for sharing it with me.”
“Thank you.”
A beat.
“This scenario you’re describing,” Regina said, “with Adam seeing other people—”
“He wasn’t seeing them,” Olivia said. “He just went and... got it out of his system. Once in a while, and then we were back to normal. Like a fling.”
“Okay. A fling. I still think we need to consider how it changes the situation.”
“Does it?”
“You don’t think it does.”
“Not really, no,” Olivia said. “What does it change?”
“Well, for example, I’d wonder if Adam was with someone when he died.”
“He wasn’t.”
“How do you know that?”
“We had rules. He had to tell me when and where he was going. He had to wear a condom, and he had to get tested every two weeks.”
“You communicated.”
“Yes.”
“Is it possible he sometimes left things out?”
“Why would he lie? He had my permission. He had nothing to hide.”
“That’s fair,” Regina said.
Ah, the pain of stopping your eyes from rolling clear back.
“It doesn’t have to be that he was lying intentionally,” Regina said. “Maybe he forgot.”
“He wouldn’t. Not about that. See, this, the way you’re talking to me — this is why I didn’t say anything to anyone about it.”
“Do you mean the police or Adam’s parents?”
“Either. They’re just going to look at me like I’m crazy.”
“I don’t think that.”
“Yeah, well, you can say that, but this is always how it is. People want everything to be either this or that.”
“It must be frustrating, having to constantly explain.”
“It’s exhausting. I don’t need that in my life.”
“Did you discuss it with friends?”
“We didn’t discuss it with anyone. For this reason.”
“I hope you can see,” Regina said, “I’m not coming from a place of judgment, just curiosity about how it worked. Like, how frequently did Adam have these flings?”
Olivia blew out air. “Every few months, I guess.”
“Did he go out and meet people, did he connect with them online?”
“I mean. Both, probably? I don’t know. I wasn’t sitting there, helping him swipe.”
“Did you ever meet any of these individuals?”
“Of course not,” Olivia said. “That’s weird. Why would I want to meet them?”
“I can imagine some people might feel better, knowing who their partner was with.”
“Not me.”
“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
“Yeah.”
“Did he only meet with men, or was it women, too?”
“I wouldn’t... Men.”
“That was a rule.”
“We didn’t need a rule. Look,” Olivia said, “you’re still not getting it.”
“I’m trying to.”
“Yeah, well, if you did, you wouldn’t be asking these kinds of questions.”
“Bear with me, please, a little bit longer.”
Olivia sighed impatiently. “Yeah, okay.”
“We met with Detective Kinney,” Regina said. “He showed us CCTV footage from Adam’s parking garage, taken Saturday evening. In it, Adam’s hauling what looks like an equipment case.”
“He had a bunch of those for his cameras and stuff. I told the cops, he didn’t have it with him when he showed up at my place.”
“Any idea what happened to it?”
“No.”
“Can you think of a reason why he’d have a camera on him?”
“I mean, he was a cameraman, it was part of his job.”
“He wasn’t going to a job the next day, though.”
“I guess.”
“You said that you and Adam had sex that night.”
“...yeah.”
“Did you make a movie?”
A beat.
“Excuse me?” Olivia said.
“Did you film yourselves having sex?”
“I... No. You really just asked me that.”
“I’m trying to understand as best I can.”
“We didn’t make a movie. And this” — louder, steely — “is making me pretty uncomfortable.”
“I’m sorry. But is it possible that he made a movie with someone else?”
“Oh my God. Seriously?”
“Olivia, I’m—”
“You did not just seriously ask me that.”
“I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the camera case — why Adam brought it with him, where it went.”
“If I thought he was with someone, don’t you think I would’ve told that to the police?”
“You didn’t tell them about the arrangement to begin with.”
“Yeah,” Olivia said, “because it didn’t matter. He wasn’t meeting anyone. He would have told me, okay? Now can we please be done? Please?”
“One final thing and then we’ll wrap it up,” Regina said.
“Oh my God... Whatever.”
“I wanted to return to something you said last time. I asked what you thought when Adam wasn’t in his apartment. You said you suspected he was with another woman.”
“...okay?”
“Do you remember saying that?”
“Not really.”
“I can play you the recording.”
“No, I... If you say so.”
“What made you think that?”
“I mean. I don’t remember saying it, so I don’t know.”
“You see where I’m coming from,” Regina said. “Your arrangement allowed him to have sexual contact with men, not women.”
“When you put it that way it sounds like a business agreement.”
“Based on what you’re telling me, in your position, I would sooner imagine he was with a man. But you said you were worried about a woman.”
“Yeah, but... That’s not what I meant.”
“Okay. What did you mean?”
“I just... I don’t know. I don’t know, okay? I wasn’t thinking straight. Maybe I felt insecure. I don’t know any women who aren’t insecure about that.”
“Sure. You also told us that Adam hadn’t given you a reason to be suspicious.”
“He didn’t.”
“Does it seem possible?”
“Does what seem possible?”
“He was meeting with a woman, but he didn’t inform you,” Regina said. “That could be one reason he had a camera with him.”
“No. No. I need to stop, please. My head is killing me.”
“I have some Motrin in my purse, if you’d like.”
“No, it’s — I’ll be okay. Let’s just drop this.”
“Sure,” Regina said. “Would you be open to talking again?”
Silence.
The audio continued to run as Regina picked up the recorder. Good habit, in case the subject took a parting shot.
Two sets of footsteps, the squeak of a hinge.
“Feel better,” Regina said.
A door closed.
Still the file ran. I heard feet walking up a driveway; heard the double beep of a car unlocked, the grunt as Regina climbed behind the wheel, a clunk as she set the recorder in the cupholder.
“Fuck a duck,” she said.