“Justin leads the other,” I said.
“With a sprained ankle?”
“Me as a gimp is vastly superior to you at your best,” Justin said. “So we just want to tie them down at the gate?”
“You got it. Make a lot of noise then back off a little. Don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re a decoy; don’t try to take them out. But when you start backing off, don’t let them think it’s a rout… just keep it orderly so they think twice about chasing after you.”
“And what if they do chase after us?”
“You’ll have the pickup truck we got from New Post,” I said. “That’s assuming the thing is roadworthy after Lisa put those nice holes in it. Take the truck and turn onto Birchill Road. Do not lead them back to McCartney Lake.”
“And you’re putting me in here somewhere?” Kayla asked.
“Have you ever even fired a gun?” Justin asked.
“I have.”
I’m not sure I believed her based on what I’d seen. “You’re extra padding,” I said. “You, Justin and Matt make three. I’m really only expecting Justin to do the actual shooting. I’m not even sure we have enough guns.”
“I can shoot,” Matt said.
“I know… but Justin might actually hit the things he aims for.”
“So I’m going with you and Lisa?” Alain asked.
“Are you okay with that?” I asked.
“Absolutely.”
“Do we have any idea where Sara’s being held?” Lisa asked.
“We don’t know anything,” I said. “But I’d guess she’s at the band office.”
“Or she could be in any other building on the reserve,” Justin said.
“It’s possible.”
“So if she’s not at the band office, we’re going to wander from house to house looking for her?”
“If she’s not at the band office, we’ll take a hostage of our own. Maybe we’ll be lucky and grab the chief.”
“I like that,” Matt said.
“I want to be clear,” I said. “We don’t want to kill anyone if we don’t have to.”
“And what if we have to?” Justin asked.
“This isn’t for revenge… just remember that.” Part of me knew I was lying.
“So we’re really going to do this?” Kayla asked.
“We head out tonight at 6pm. I want everyone to meet back here at 5:15.”
“What about Graham?” Justin asked.
“He’ll need to stay here either way. I don’t think he’ll try to stop us.”
I didn’t want to consider how to deal with Graham if he did.
Fiona asked me to come over for lunch. I didn’t really feel like it, since I had shit to do, and Gwyneth would probably be there to hate on me, but I was happy that Fiona was talking to me at all after everything that has happened.
She started us off by barking out a list of ingredients for me to find.
“Now I’m mostly just an omelette guy, remember?” I said as I pulled down a bag of pinto beans. “I don’t really know what any non-omelette ingredients look like.”
“Nice try,” she said. “I’ve seen you find your way around just fine when there’s ice cream toppings involved.”
“Okay… so that covers red peppers and chocolate chips.”
I walked over to a small upright freezer to pull out some cheese.
“There’s none left up here,” Fiona said.
“So that’s why I’m here,” I said. “I’m just your basement delivery service.”
“It’s a crawlspace. But that’s not it, actually… you’re here because I need to talk to you.”
“About the cheese?”
She wasn’t smiling.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I’m not stupid, Baptiste. Just because I don’t live with you guys anymore doesn’t mean I don’t notice when almost everyone at McCartney Lake runs down to your barn for secret meetings.”
“Oh…”
“And yes, I know pretty much everything else you try and keep from me.”
“Like what?”
“Like everything, Baptiste. What happened to Marc Tremblay, what happened to those girls at Silver Queen Lake, what happened to the Girards… what you did to Sara.”
My heart started pounding. “What do you mean? What did she say to you?”
“She didn’t say anything… but I can still tell. I always knew when my father hit my mom, too.”
“Fuck.”
“Don’t you see what’s happening to you? You’re changing, Baptiste… all of this violence is… it’s poisoning you.”
“I don’t think it works that way.”
“It definitely does work that way. You’ve been around so much of it over the past few years. Being on the Protection Committee, and then The Fires and everything else… you can’t go through that without some of it seeping in.”
“You sound like Sara,” I said, trying to make it a compliment.
“Oh, no… I’m not Sara. She was just letting it happen. But I’m not going to sit by and let you turn into a monster. You killed someone last week, remember? And not by accident, either… you took him outside and you shot him.”
“I had to…”
“That’s not what I mean. When you had the accident with Marc… you felt so guilty that you basically shut down for two days. And you guys weren’t exactly close.”
“And I haven’t really thought about that kid at Helena.”
“His name was Rasheed. Maybe you’re telling yourself that you had no choice… maybe you didn’t… but you should still feel something about it.”
“I know.”
“What do you think will happen when you guys try to get Sara back?”
“Hopefully we’ll get her out of there.”
“You’re going to kill again,” Fiona said. “You know you will.”
I didn’t want to lie to her.
“Please, Baptiste,” she said. “Don’t go to New Post.”
“But what about Sara?”
“Sara will be safer if you don’t come for her. I think you know that.”
“I’m not sure about that.”
“Please, Baptiste.”
“We can handle this, Fiona. We can get Sara back and give New Post and the whole Mushkegowuk Nation a reason to steer clear of us.”
“Even you don’t believe that. If you attack New Post, Ryan Stems will come for you. But that isn’t what this is about. I know you can rationalize this rescue mission no matter what. I want you to think about what you’re turning into.”
“I’m one of the good guys. You said you trusted me, Fiona. Don’t you trust me anymore?”
“It’s not about trust. You can’t go to New Post.”
“I’m going to go down and get the cheese.”
I found the trapdoor and squeezed down into the crawlspace. I bent my head and made my way to the chest freezer they’d taken from our place.
It’s funny the way you can ignore something for a good long while, until the very second that someone points it out. Then it’s like it’s out there for the world to see, and you start feeling embarrassed about something that wasn’t troubling you at all before.
It was getting easier living with the tough decisions. At first you feel like that’s a good thing, because if you always regretted every choice you’d stop doing anything. But with time you end up too far out, where you start making mistakes and you don’t even care that you’re making them, when you start losing control simply because you don’t bother holding on to it.
That happened to me once before, on the other side of the world, when I started seeing the Afghans I was supposed to help as enemies I needed to brush aside.
That happened to a lot of soldiers I knew.
Fiona was right; it was happening again. I was losing perspective.
If I went down to New Post, I’d kill a lot of people. I’m not sure I’d even be able to bring Sara back with me. And I wasn’t sure if I’d want to be the man who’d come home after something like that.