Of all the questions I had expected him to ask, it wasn’t that. And of course I’m stupid for hoping that on the off chance Colton might not want to race again, but hearing him actually say it causes panic to course through me. As much as I try to hide the mini-anxiety attack his words have evoked, my body instinctively tenses, my hands jerking tight around his hand while my breath audibly catches in my throat.
Colton averts his eyes from Dr. Irons momentarily to look into mine. Obviously Dr. Irons senses my discomfort because he waits a beat before answering. And during that time, Colton’s eyes convey so much to me but at the same time are guarding his deepest thoughts. The moment I start to catch more, he looks away and back to the doctor.
This immediately puts me on edge, and I can’t quite place why. And that scares the shit out of me. The unknown in a relationship is brutal, but with Colton? It’s a downright mindfuck.
My pulse is racing from Colton’s question alone, and now I have to worry about the cryptic warning in his eyes? What the fuck is going on? Maybe like Dr. Irons said earlier, his emotions and disposition have been affected by the accident. I try to tell myself this is the reason—to play it off as such—but deep down I hear warning bells and when it comes to our relationship, that’s never a good sign.
Dr. Irons snaps me from my turbulent thoughts with the clearing of his throat. And I fear how he is going to answer Colton’s question. “Well …” He sighs and looks down at his iPad before looking back up to meet Colton’s gaze. “Since I’m getting the sense that whatever I tell you not to do, will just encourage you to do it even faster—”
“You’re a quick learner,” Colton teases.
Dr. Irons just sighs again, trying to fight the smile tugging on the corners of his mouth. “Normally I’d tell you that getting back in the car is a bad idea. That your brain has been jarred around enough and even when your skull is fully healed, it will still have a weak spot where the bone has reconnected and that could be dangerous … but I know no matter what I say you’re going to be back on the track, aren’t you?”
I have no option but to sit down now because despite how calm I appear on the outside, my insides have just been shredded by Dr. Irons’ correct assumption.
Colton blows out a long breath and looks out the window for a bit, and for just a moment I notice the chink in his armor. It’s fleeting, but it’s there nonetheless. He may never admit it, but he’s scared to get in the car again. Scared to recall the moments during the crash that he can’t remember right now. Afraid he might get hurt again. And he’s so consumed by his thoughts that he doesn’t notice that he’s withdrawn his hand from mine.
“You’re right,” he finally says, and chills immediately blanket my body. “I will. I have no other choice … but I’ll follow your advice and wait until I’m medically cleared. I’ll have my doctors in California connect with you to make sure nothing is missed.”
Dr. Irons swallows and nods his head. “Okay, well I’m going to bank on the fact that you’re a sensible guy … well, as sensible as one can be that drives two hundred miles an hour for a living.” Colton smiles at the comment. “I’ll be back to check on you later.”
Dr. Irons leaves and for a moment there is an awkward silence between the four of us. I imagine it’s because all of us are secretly wondering what it’s going to be like if—no when—he hops back in the race car, but no one says anything.
Dread weighs heavy on me, and I have no clue how I’m going to be able to handle it. How I’m going to be able to watch him climb inside a car nearly identical to the one he almost died in.
Colton breaks the startled silence. “Becks?”
“Yeah.” Becks steps forward and stares at his friend.
“Make sure to tell Eddie that he needs to get my records from Dr. Irons so we can study my injury. See how we can make it complement the HANS even better.”
I know Colton is talking about the top secret safety device he was wearing during the accident. The one that CD Enterprises is getting ready to submit for patent protection, so I’m not sure why Beckett’s face falls. I watch his eyes dart over to Tawny momentarily, a flash of worry flickering through them, before looking back at Colton.
“What, Becks? What aren’t you telling me?” Obviously Colton notices the reaction too.
Becks clears his throat and takes a deep breath. “You fired Eddie a couple of months ago, Colton.”
“What? C’mon, Becks. Quit fucking with me and just get the records for him, okay?”
“I’m not fucking with you. A second set of schematics disappeared. With his gambling debts and other issues, too many factors pointed to him, so you fired him,” Beckett says as Colton’s eyes flicker around the room, his head toggling back and forth as if he’s trying to comprehend what he’s being told.
“Seriously?” When Becks just nods, Colton looks over at Tawny and she nods too. “Fuckin’ A,” he grits out as he rolls his shoulders and stares out the window for a moment before looking back at Beckett. “Stealing? I don’t remember that at all.” His voice is dead quiet and full of disbelief.
I reach out and squeeze his hand, causing him to look over and meet my eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. It’ll come back. It’s only temporary,” I say, trying to reassure him as best as I can.
“But … if I don’t remember something like that, what else don’t I remember that I don’t even know about?” His eyes swim with confusion and he grimaces momentarily causing my heart to speed up with worry.
“Don’t worry about it, dude. Think of all the crap you can claim amnesia on that normally you’d get shit for.”
Thank God for Becks and his easygoing personality because even though I can still see Colton struggling as he tries to grasp everything, I can also feel some of the tension relax from his hand that I’m holding. I meet Becks’ eyes, a silent thank you passing between us.
Tawny clears her throat softly and all of a sudden it’s like we all snap from our private thoughts with the sound. Colton breathes in deeply and says, “Tawny, I need you to issue a press release right away.”
“What would you like it to say?” Ms. Ever-efficient asks while walking to the bedside opposite me, as Colton gathers his thoughts. And with just the slightest glance my way, she refocuses on him and softens her voice. “Colton?”
“Yeah?” he answers, raising his eyes to meet the question in her voice.
She reaches out and squeezes his bicep, her eyes roaming over his wound before withdrawing her hand when he doesn’t respond. “I’m so glad that you’re okay.”
I can hear the sincerity in her voice—know she means it—but it still doesn’t make me like her any more.
“Coulda been a lot worse from what I’m told, so I’ll get there.” Colton takes a sip of water while his brow furrows in concentration. “Tell them I’m awake and have been for a day or so. I’m on the road to recovery and will be heading back to California within the week, once I’m cleared, and returning to the track in no time. Thank them for their support and prayers, and instead of any flowers or gifts, I’d rather they make a donation to Corporate Cares. The boys need it more than I do.”
Tawny looks up from her phone where she’s typing all of this and asks, “What about your memory loss?”
“None of their business,” Colton says, glancing up at Becks again, a silent understanding passing between them. “That’s all.” Tawny lifts her focus from her phone and looks at Colton as if she doesn’t understand. “You can go now,” he says to her, and I have to hide the look of shock on my face at the unexpected dismissal.