A small frown had formed, along with a crease in Walker’s brow as he looked at me. Shaken by his expression, I threw some suds at him. “What’s wrong, sourpuss?”
Walker shook his head and then smiled amiably. “It just makes me sad that every time I make you smile, it’s followed by a look of pain, sadness or disgust.”
I was taken aback; I hadn’t realized that my face gave me away so easily. I tried to smile, taking Walker's hand in mine. “I’m just still learning how to be happy without guilt. I’m sure you, of all people, understand.”
Walker’s eyes went cold and shallow as his face went pale. “More than you know…” His head fell as his words trailed off. He bent down, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then started to walk out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna hop in the shower. Be out soon.”
I leaned against the sink and stared after Walker. I was shocked by his reaction; most of the time he seemed so well-adjusted. I felt bad, not knowing if I should have gone after him to make sure he was okay. Right when I was about to take my first steps, the pipes above my head started to whine as the water was turned on in my guest bath.
I went back to the dishes and finished cleaning the entire kitchen and table before Walker came back downstairs. Before his musky shampoo finally filled the living room, where I had found myself curled up on the couch, I’d started to get worried.
From a low, almost growl, Walker strode into the room with pre-made questions that quickly caught me off guard. “Why didn’t you pitch a fit last night? What that bitch did and my half-assed comeback deserved a lashing and you fucking pussied out and I just don’t get it, Mags.” Walker was pacing between the kitchen and the living room, his hand resting on his crew-cut scalp.
I sat, paralyzed for a minute, not sure what to say. “Walker, I am over being pissed for no reason, letting things build. I’m a free spirit and have not been living lately. I died that day with Randy in that fucking hellhole and I am ready to reclaim my life.”
Walker and I had never really talked about our feelings until that moment. We had always been shallow with each other and that was selfish. Finally, in the heat of this moment, ready to let it explode, we were honest for the first time. We saw each other completely and it was beautiful.
In mid-stride, Walker halted, dropped to his knees and held his head in his hands. “He was never supposed to get hurt, but I made him a promise, and I am here living with it every day. I will protect you, Liz and Jim …” His voice cracked, broke, froze and then regained its strength. “And you will never have to live with that bull, like last night, ever again.”
I stood, looking down on Walker’s tensed and shaking body. There was something so strange about the way he was acting. Usually, he was tough, seemingly happy, not broken and never one to harbor anything like this. “Walker?” My voice was weak, I was scared to continue. I sat down in front of him on the floor, picking up his solemn face with my hand, “What’s really bothering you? You don’t care about last night, so what is it? What do you mean ‘promise’? What are you really hiding from? Why didn’t you go back home, why’d you stay here?”
It was almost like something in that moment snapped in Walker, his muscles puffed and his veins bulged, the hair on the back of his neck and arms stood on end, his light green eyes smoldered to an almost black, he seemed to turn almost feral.
He shot up from the floor, breathing heavily through gritted teeth, “Randy made me swear.” He stomped over to the fridge, punching it so violently, the sound sent shivers through me. I had never seen him snap like this. For the first time, I was actually scared of him. I must have let out a cry from fright, because Walker face switched back instantly. His jaw line softened, his eye rounded and lightened into their pale green.
“Mags.” He whispered, kneeling down next to me as tears rolled silently down my cheeks. I was cringing, holding my knees to my chest, staring in the dent Walker had just put in my stainless steel fridge. “Look, my home sucks, Randy knew that. So when our numbers got called he asked me to stick around here with the only real family ever had. That’s all.”
Walker’s arms were wrapped around my body and I let myself melt into him, nodding into his chest, “You just scared me that’s all. I’ve never seen that side of you before.”
He pecked my forehead, leaving his lips lingering on my skin. “I promise to never let that happen again.”
I pressed myself into him harder, still a little shaken. I knew every word he uttered was true. Walker was always too loyal, and I knew he felt it was his duty to take care of Randy’s family, and that included me. It broke my heart to think that what the two of us had was just based on a soldier’s survivor’s guilt, but I was too chicken shit to bring it up. Walker made me feel safe, complete and halfway sane, and I was not willing to lose all of that due to my big mouth. So, instead of opening it to talk, I leaned up and kissed Walker firmly on the cheek.
From his knees, Walker’s strong body lifted mine effortlessly onto the counter, kissing my lips and jaw line as he set me on the chilly granite. Just being in his button-down and my panties made it easy access for his hand to wander over my thighs and stomach, and his lips searched over my neck and collarbone.
Breathing deeply, he pleaded, “Mags, just please be open and honest with me.” In between kisses of lustful passion, he continued, “I want you, I’ve wanted you, just please don’t let me screw this up.”
Kissing him back, loving every flutter that was erupting in my stomach, I said, “Walker, I want this, too. We are just going to have to work on it ...” I pushed him away a little so I could look into his eyes, making sure he heard every word. “I don’t care if it’s rough, you’re worth it and I am thankful to have you.”
His kisses softened as they lined my jaw once again and made their way back up to my lips. His muscular chest flexed against me, causing my entire body to tingle with covetous lust, as he lifted me again He started to make his way to the couch. I shook my head firmly once and he halted, stopping to look me dead in the eyes, questioning my response.
“No, not on the couch this time. Take me to my bed.” My voice came out strong and very matter-of-factly. Without another word, Walker obeyed.
We embraced our newfound comfort with each other, and with the only words that escaped Walker’s lips, I knew I was done for. “Just be honest with me, Mags, from here on out. Feel free to scream, whisper, and everything in between. I want to hear it all.”
With that, we made love to the rhythm of perfection and devotion for what felt like at least an hour, and cuddled for about that amount of time after. We lay wrapped up and intertwined in bliss and understanding, knowing it was us against the world.
I was so thankful to not be alone in my fight any longer.
19
Walker sat up and stretched next to me after we realized that we were cutting it close to getting ready for dinner with Liz and Jim. In agreeing for us to bring the dessert, he unknowingly promised I would bake one of my famous German chocolate cakes. It was Liz’s favorite, and usually my bartering chip for her amazing four-course dinners.
“Well, we better get to the store so we can start baking.” I stretched too, and then got up to tie my bed hair into a messy bun and throw on some eyeliner so I looked a little more presentable.
Wrapping me up into an inviting embrace from behind, Walker lips caressed my ear, teasing me a little. “Why can’t you just be a normal dinner guest and bring a store-bought cookie cake or something?”