“Hello, earth to Gabby?” Annaliese waves her hand in front of me, and I realized I’ve spaced out again.
“Sorry,” I mumble, washing my hands and wiping a cool rag over my face.
“So, you gonna answer me? Plans?” she asks, hands on her hips. “What plans? I’m your best friend. I feel the need to know what put you in such a trance right now. Is it a special someone?” Her grin makes me laugh. She wants so badly for me to have a normal life. To find a happily ever after, like she did with Adam. I love her, but I just don’t see that happening.
I don’t deserve that, Annaliese.
Instead of ruining her day, though, with the news that I took a few lives and ruined tons others, I take the high road and smile and shrug, not giving way to the real reason of what I’m doing today. Not until I talk to Benton about it.
“So you do, then? Are you gonna tell me about him… or her?” Grinning again like she thinks she’s in on a secret, I laugh it off and cock my head at her.
“Don’t you have wedding planning shit to do? It’s just a few weeks away now. Shouldn’t you be too busy to function at this point?”
She sighs and shakes her head.
“No. Adam hired a wedding planner to take over things now that it’s getting so close to the event. He doesn’t want word getting out to the paparazzi or anything.” She shrugs and picks at her nail polish. I have to remind myself that she chose this life. She chose to be married to Mr. Chicago, so she knew all of it would come with a price. That price right now happens to be not being able to plan her own wedding. Something I know she’s wanted to do since the minute they got engaged.
“Listen, Ann. I know you’re bummed about it, but it’s for the best. You don’t need those hogs ruining your wedding day.” She scoffs at my comment and smiles.
“I know; it’s all just so different than I thought.”
“I hear ya, bitch,” I say. “Life doesn’t ever turn out like we thought it would.”
She eyes me like she’s on to me, but I smile and shrug it off before she notices the change in my demeanor. In the time since the accident, I’ve grown to be able to put off a happy vibe even if I don’t feel it. I don’t ever want anyone feeling the hurt that I feel, so I try my hardest to show others the love and kindness that wasn’t ever shown to me, before, or after, the event that changed my world. The only physical appearance leftover from the accident is my eyes. With the impact and the infection from the accident, I’ve been slowly losing sight in my right eye. I’ll never get it back once it’s fully gone, but I’ve grown to accept it. I deserve it, at the very least.
“So listen… I’ve gotta get ready…” I trail off and make a face at her. “Not to kick you out or anything… buuuut...”
“I get it, I get it. You better tell me who this hot date is with.” She throws her purse on her shoulder and walks towards the door. Before I can protest her assumption, she turns and points at me. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s not a date, either, woman. There’s something… different… about you lately, and I can’t pin it, but I think it has something to do with a little relationship bloom. One day, you’ll tell me,” she smiles. “One day. Or I’ll throat punch you.”
I laugh at her insane threat.
“You’ve been practicing your threats I see.”
“I have to, with all the crazy bitches after my fiancé.” She shrugs. “I learned from the best, you know.” She wiggles her eyebrows and I roll my eyes.
“Bye, bitch,” I say, opening the door for her.
“Later, whore,” she says, slapping my ass on her way out.
Glancing at the clock by the door, I have a little over an hour before I meet Benton and Hannah. I have a little over an hour to try not to freak out that he’ll know something’s wrong with me and drop me like a bad habit. I have all this time to get ready and leave… and pray to God… a God I’m not sure likes me… that I don’t fuck things up today.
After showering, shaving, primping and then trying to make it look like I didn’t primp too much for a park playdate, I head outside to make the short walk to the park. It’s the perfect day in the city for this. Sunny, breezy, and cool. Fall in Chicago is beautiful, but winter can be horrible. The walk isn’t too bad, as it’s not too crowded. Making it there about half hour before Benton and Hannah, I sit on the bench and wait.
Waiting has never been something I’m good at. My mind starts to wander, back to that night so many years ago… the night that changed my entire fucking life.
***
“Jesus fucking Christ, Gabby! Slow the fuck down! You’re going to kill us all!” Jordan yells from the back seat. “Mother fucking cunt, and this stupid goddamned child won’t shut up!” I realize the baby won’t stop screaming, and he’s doing nothing to make it better. If anything, yelling like that at me, and cursing at me, is only making it worse.
“Babe, can you please give him his binky back?” I ask, as calmly as I can without flipping out on his ass. I’m fairly certain he’s high, so fighting with him is pointless right now. I’m pissed that he got in the car with me, I’m pissed I can’t get away from him, and I’m pissed that I have to deal with this the rest of my life.
“Fuck that, this kid needs to learn how to cope,” he growls, pissing me off even more. He’s a two-month-old baby, not a ten year old!
“Jordan, please,” I sigh, holding a binky out to the back seat for him.
“Fuck, no! Turn this mother fucking car around and go home, Gabby!” He’s screaming, the baby is still screaming, and, when Jordan hits the binky out of my hand, I lose it.
“Fuck you, Jordan!” I swerve the car to the side of the road to kick him out.
Then, everything goes black.
***
“Gabby!” Benton’s voice comes from behind me, and I take a few calming breaths. Typically, a flashback to that night would set off a reaction of attacks and more flashbacks, but with everything rolling through my system today, I’m so relaxed it’s almost scary. Standing to greet him, I smile my perfected smile and walk towards him.
“Hey,” he kisses me gently, then backs away, and looks down at his little girl in the stroller.
“Gabby, this-” He motions. “Is Hannah.” Smiling, he watches me as I interact with his baby for the first time.
Don’t fuck this up, Gabby.
“Hey, Hannah,” I say, smiling. “You wanna swing?”
Her face lights up at the mention of a swing, and she starts trying to get out of her stroller straps, getting madder and madder by the minute. Benton chuckles and comes behind me, gently unsnapping her and lifting her up. He goes to hand her to me, since she still doesn’t walk, but I guess the scared look on my face has him second guessing.
“Okay,” he laughs. “One step at a time, right?”
I laugh nervously, pissed that I let my fear shine through. I need to seem comfortable with her. I need to not let the fear of hurting her come out. I’ll be okay. We can do this for a few hours then I’ll be able to go home, to the safety of my apartment, where I can’t hurt anyone but myself.
While in the swing, Hannah laughs and giggles, happy to be out of the stroller. We take time and walk around with her, Benton holding her to steady her uneasy feet. It’s adorable, really, watching how he’s bonded with her over the last year. The man that showed up on my doorstep last year wasn’t ready to be a father, but this man… this man is the sexiest, most caring and attentive father I’ve ever seen.
Let’s just amp that sexy up a few more notches, why don’t we?
After two hours of sliding, swinging, laughing and playing, Hannah is ready for a nap and my nerves are ready for a break. After everything I’ve been through, I still can’t get the anxiety-ridden feelings to lie low when in public. Any big crowd does it to me… makes me unable to think straight, see straight, and sometimes walk at all. After Noah was born, I had an episode at Target where I had to call Jordan to come pick me up because I couldn’t move. I literally was so afraid someone was going steal Noah right out of the cart that I froze. It was humiliating. That was the very last time I went out in public with my child.