When he texts me back, I can feel the stress through the words in his text. I don’t know what he’s going through, I don’t know what happened, but I have to come across as the strong one here. I have to be strong for him and Hannah. He can’t know I’m silently freaking out that I’ll hurt his daughter, or myself, if tonight ends up not going well. I text him back a heart, because something like today can’t even begin to be processed into text messages, then go on my way finishing up dinner and start to get Hannah cleaned.
Bath time with an almost one year old is insane. Water everywhere, toys everywhere, and the screaming when I have to wash her hair is insane. Enough to get my heart racing again for the tenth time this evening. I can tell I’m starting to crash from the overload on meds this morning, and I now feel like maybe that was a bad idea, but I never would have thought I’d end up alone with a one year old for all these hours. I still haven’t heard from Benton about his mom, and I’m starting to worry that something is seriously wrong.
By the time Hannah is finished in the bathtub, she’s a hot wrinkly mess of over-tired and cranky baby. I try everything I can think of to calm her, but the more she screams, the more my heart races. I just want to walk away from her, but I can’t walk away from a crying baby. I just want to let her cry, but I feel like I can’t do that. Each piercing scream that comes out of her little throat starts to sound more and more like his screams the night of the accident. Every blink of my eyes, I see the wreckage, the fire. I see it all, and it’s not long before I can’t take it anymore.
Setting Hannah in her crib, I frantically pace the apartment to try to calm myself. A cool rag to the face, cold water over my arms, deep breaths. Nothing works. She’s still screaming, and I can tell my vision is starting to blur, the panic welling inside of me more and more, setting my entire body off.
This can’t be happening.
Moving for my phone, I call Benton only to get put straight through to voicemail. Trying again with trembling hands, three more times I’m sent to voicemail. He has no reception. I can’t be here alone with her right now. I can’t do this.
“Shit,” I mumble, fumbling with my phone. My hands are shaking more and more, and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out if I can’t get this under control.
So I call the only other person I trust to help me and not judge. Annaliese.
“Gabby?” There’s a ton of noise in the background, and I suddenly feel terrible for bothering them when they are obviously busy. I need her though. This is so scary, and I’m about to completely black out if I don’t calm myself.
“I need you, Ann,” I start to say, then the tears start. I hate admitting I need help. I hate admitting there’s something wrong with me, and that’s why I haven’t. Ever. To anyone. Annaliese doesn’t even know a third of the things I’ve gone through. Shit, why won’t Hannah stop crying?!
“Gabby, what’s wrong?” she says, beginning to sound frantic.
“I can’t… I need…” I start gasping for air, and I know it’s only a matter of time. FUCK! “Annie, I need you,” I whimper, squeezing my eyes shut as the room starts to spin.
“Where are you?” she demands. I hear voices in the background, and vaguely remember hearing a loud noise before finally answering.
“Benton’s,” is all I can get out, then everything goes black.
***
“You know what you’re worth,” my mother growls, hovering over me. “Nothing. You’re a piece of shit nothing that can’t ever keep anything good. That boy was all you had, and you made him go away. Now, you’re fucking stuck in here with me. This motherfucking apartment isn’t even big enough for the two of us,” she growls, kicking me while I’m down.
I never knew she felt that strongly about him. I know she hates me, but I always thought she hated everything about me, but apparently she loves my boyfriend. Mothers are supposed to be kind and gentle and caring. Mine is anything but.
Limping to my room, I lock the door and curl into the bed, rubbing my protruding stomach where she kicked me.
“One of these days we’ll be out of here, buddy,” I whisper, willing myself to sleep.
***
“Gabby!” I hear her voice through the darkness, but I can’t find her. “Gabby, wake up.” Frantic hands find my arms and I moan, cursing the pain radiating through my body. “Jesus Christ, Gabby wake UP!”
“I’m going in to check on Hannah,” a male voice says.
Not my Benton. He’s not here for me.
“Gabby,” Annaliese whispers, pulling my body into her arms, as I start to weep. I can’t open my eyes to see the look on her face. I can’t look around to see what happened while I was out. I don’t want to know what time it is because I don’t want to know how long I was out. I can’t do this. This is so fucking embarrassing. “Please talk to me, Gab,” Annaliese whispers as my tears slow to a halt.
“I can’t,” I mumble, trying to pick myself up from the floor only to fail miserably. Huffing, I curse and sit up straight, at least. She doesn’t need to support all of my crazy.
“What the hell, Gabby? You had me worried sick,” she says, her hands fidgeting in front of her. I feel so fucking bad that I made them come save my crazy ass. I feel so fucking bad I passed out while watching Benton’s baby girl.
“Oh, god! Hannah!” Getting up from the floor in record time, I sprint into the bedroom where Adam’s rocking her. “Oh shit,” I whisper, him glaring at me.
“She’s fine. She woke up when I came in the room,” he whispers.
“She was asleep?” I ask nervously.
“Yes,” he snips, the glare on his face not relaxing. I take that as I’m not welcome in the room, so I walk back out slowly to Annaliese who has gotten a glass of water and is waiting on the couch for me.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on, Gab?” She offers me the water, and watches me gulp it down. Shit, I need to get home to take my pills, but I can’t ask them to stay with Hannah, and, last I checked, I couldn’t get a hold of Benton. What the hell happened to him? I hope everything’s okay.
“I’d rather not,” I say honestly, watching her reaction go from sad to hurt instantly. Shit. “Look, Ann… It’s such a long story…” I sigh and curse, wrapping my arms around my knees. Everything in my body aches right now, but that’s nothing compared to the pain I’m going to feel when Benton finds out about this. He’s going to leave me for good. I just know it.
“I’m here, Gabby. I’m not going anywhere until you talk to me. You’re my best friend; I need you to talk. Please,” she whispers. I see the hurt on her face, and notice the glare in her eyes. Sighing, I close my eyes, and remember the first attack I had in front of her.
I told her it was just panic because of school. I told her I’d be okay, and not to worry. She believed me at the time. This time, I don’t think I’m going to get away with that simple of an answer.
“Annaliese, you don’t want to hear it all.” I sigh, watching her scoot closer to me.
“I do, though. I’m hurt that you’ve been keeping things from me, Gab. I thought we could tell each other anything.”
“I know… and we are….” I stop, watching her hands come around mine to stop them from fidgeting.
“Gabby, you need an outlet. Something, someone to talk to. Please,” she pleads.
Annaliese is the closest thing to a sister I’ll ever have. If I can’t tell her, I’ll never be able to tell anyone.
“It all started twelve years ago, Ann,” I huff. “That’s a hell of a lot of storytelling to do,” I warn.
“I’m here, bitch. Let Adam get his uncle snuggle time in. We’re not going anywhere anytime soon.”
She gives me the eye that she gives me when her determination is set. I’m not getting around this tonight.