So, I tell her.
“I was young,” I say. “I had a very rough childhood. My mom was abusive, and my dad was a drunk. Ann, I never planned for anything past high school because I didn’t think I’d be alive to see past the age of 18. When it happened… when I got pregnant… that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I actually had something, for the first time in my life, to look forward to.” I stop, taking a breath, knowing there’s no more easy part of the story to tell. Then, I go on. I tell her everything. About Jordan and how he was abusive, how I tried to break it off. I tell her that living now without a child is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I leave out the gory details of that night. I tell her about Benton and our relationship, and, when I finally stop talking, the tears streaming down her face hurt more than anything.
“I don’t want pity,” I whisper. “I don’t want things to change now.”
“Oh, Gabby… I don’t pity you. I love you, Gab. You’re like a sister to me.” She takes a breath and tries to collect herself. “I… I’m so sorry I never asked.”
“Ann, you had no reason to. I hide it from everyone. You’re the first person I’ve ever opened up to since it happened.”
“So, what are you going to do now?”
“Go on like normal,” I say, shrugging.
“But Ben-”
“Stop. No… there’s no way I’m telling him and, if you blab to anyone, I’ll cut you,” I growl. She laughs and shakes her head at me, smiling.
“I love you, bitch.”
“Yeah, yeah, stop getting mushy. Take your man home. I think he wants to murder me after tonight. The death rays he was sending me were enough to kill earlier.”
“He’s a very loyal person, Gab. He loves and protects hard. He’s just worried about all of you.”
She has a point. He’s never shown me anything but kindness and he loves Hannah. I smile and nod, accepting her words as true, if anything just to calm her and make her leave.
I want her out so I can refocus my energy to get off the couch. I’d never tell her, but I don’t think I can move right now. I need rest. I need aspirin. I need my meds. Most of all, though… I need Benton.
Benton
Numb
If I thought I was numb the entire cab ride back, I was wrong. Now that I’m in an elevator that is taking its sweet old fucking time to get me upstairs, I’m shaking from nerves that something happened. My gut told me the entire ride home that something was wrong, but I ignored it. I thought that it was just the nerves and emotions rolling through my body that made me feel like something bad happened. Seeing Adam and Annaliese in my building, though, proved me wrong.
Something did happen. They just wouldn’t tell me what. The only words Adam told me were, “Everything is fine. I’ll see you at work.” He didn’t ask where I was, I didn’t tell him about my mom, I didn’t ask about Gabby. No small talk. He looked pissed, and Annaliese looked sad, and now this elevator is going to look busted if it doesn’t speed up. How long does it take to travel 8 floors, anyway?!
When I finally make it to my floor, I rush to my door and take a few deep breaths before opening it. Adam wouldn’t have left my baby alone up here… Gabby is still here… Everything is fine. Those words keep rolling through my head, easier words to have on repeat than ‘your mother’s gone’. Sneaking inside the condo, the lights are all off, save for one lamp on the side of the couch. It’s silent and clean. Nothing looks touched. Did she clean up everything they did tonight? Shit, she’s good. Heading first to Hannah’s room, I crack open the door to see her sleeping soundly in her crib. A part of my heart calms down and warms knowing that she’s safe and sound in her bed. Nothing bad happened. Maybe Adam was pissed because he had to spend his evening here, and Annaliese could’ve been sad because she found out about Gabby lying to her. That’s it. That has to be it. Everything here looks normal.
Walking into the kitchen I go straight for a beer, then put it back. Harder.
Reaching above the sink into the cupboard, I grab the bottle of whiskey and head to the living room. No glass needed tonight. I need mind-numbing.
Rounding the corner, my breath is taken away by the sight on the couch. Gabby, curled in the corner of the couch, so innocent and peaceful. This is what peaceful looks like. I glance at her, and then glance back to the whiskey in my hand. Why am I planning on drowning my sorrows in this bottle when I have the perfect woman right here in front of me?
“Hey, you,” I whisper, leaning down and kissing her forehead. She opens her eyes and I see the difference in them, just like I saw it the first time I met her. One shiny, one dull… but both red and puffy.
“Hey,” she stretches out, her pure beauty so breathtaking, I feel so much for her right now it’s scary. All of my emotions are on high alert from today’s devastating news, but what’s crazy is that right now the sorrow I felt at the hospital is replaced by pure adoration. “How’s your mom?” she asks innocently, smiling at me.
“Uh…” I stammer, sitting down next to her. “She’s uh…” Shit. I don’t know why, but I wasn’t expecting that one. She caught me off guard. I was too busy admiring the beautiful woman in front of me to remember what really happened today. The severity of if all slowly hits me as I look around the room. Silently glancing at every picture I have of Hannah and my mom, my heart breaks all over again for the small, innocent child sleeping away. The one that’ll never get to know the grandma that loved her more than anything.
“What is it, Benton? You’re scaring me,” she says, turning her body to face me. She’s so damn beautiful, and I don’t know what I’d do without her in my life. Is that an insane thought? To feel that strongly for someone so soon after meeting them? Is seven months long enough to have these strong of feelings for someone? I look at her for the longest time, trying to come up with the words to tell her I no longer have a mother. She’s dead, and life isn’t fucking fair, but I can’t find the words. Shaking my head, I swallow the knot in my throat.
“Oh, Benton,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around me. I thought I wanted mind numbing, but I really just want to feel… feel anything but this overwhelming sadness that’s come over me. She holds me like this for what feels like hours. Once her steady breathing has calmed my nerves, I’m finally able to find the words to talk about what happened tonight. I don’t have many.
“She’s gone,” I manage to whisper, the dam of tears threatening to spill over with each word I say.
“Oh, no. Oh God, baby.” She pulls back and puts her hands on the sides of my face, lifting my head gently to look at me. “What happened?”
“I… her heart,” I choke out, then the damn bursts and the fucking tears start to fall. I don’t even try to stop them. Instead of trying to talk any more about it, she pulls me to her and holds me there for the rest of the night. No words exchanged, no bodies move. She falls asleep on my lap with her head curled into the crook of my neck. It’s the most peaceful I’ve felt all fucking day, and it sucks so bad because I know, the minute she wakes up, she’s going to want to talk. Every woman does. They want to talk about feelings, and talk about what happened, and talk about plans.
I don’t want to talk. I want to move on.
When morning comes, Gabby is gone. I don’t remember when she got up and left, but there’s no note or anything from her this morning. The minute I get off the couch, I immediately regret sleeping on the couch last night, but falling asleep with her in my arms was worth it. I just wish she were here this morning. It pisses me off that she just up and left me in the middle of the night… especially after what I’ve been through. She could’ve been here for me.
When she calls as I get off the couch to make some coffee, I’m relieved that she’s at least okay, though I’m still mad at her for leaving. That is, until I hear her voice.