“Hey,” I answer. “Where’d you go this morning?” I try to have more emotion to my voice, but it sounds like a robot is talking when the words come out. That’s kind of what I feel like this morning, though: a robot, just going through the motions to keep things moving smoothly.
“I’m sorry, Benton. I had to get home. To take care of something.”
“Great,” I growl.
“I’m so sorry, babe. I just… I’m sorry. There was no way around it.” She sighs and I feel like an ass, but she walked out in the middle of the one night I needed her to stay. For me. “How are you this morning?” She’s trying, so I try to be nice and willing to have a conversation.
“I’m going over to my dad’s today. All the arrangements and shit need to be made.”
“Let me come with you,” she says quickly.
“It’s not going to be a fun day,” I warn.
“Are you trying to make me take back my offer? I want to be there for you,” she whispers. I know me trying to get her to understand how miserable today is going to be is making her think I don’t want her there, but she’s never had to deal with something like this before.
I have.
“Look, babe. I want to be there for you and Hannah. It’s going to be tough, and you’re going to need someone. Let me be that someone.” Her plead is heartwarming.
“When can you be ready by? We’re going to be leaving here in thirty,” I warn.
“I’m ready when you are. Come pick me up.” Her voice is happy again, and I feel a slight weight lifted off my shoulder that I don’t have to go through today alone.
Walking in to get Hannah, the perpetual knot in my throat seems huge as I watch her smile and giggle when I pick her up. Dealing with the death of a parent is hard enough. Dealing with the death of your child’s grandparent is devastating. She’s only one, so I don’t tell her what happened since she won’t understand. We just go about our morning as usual, albeit as quickly as possible, and pack our bags to head to my dad’s house. It’s supposed to be a workday, but there’s no way I’m going in today. Not until I know my dad is going to be okay.
On the drive to pick up Gabby, I decide to give Adam a call and see what last night was all about.
“Where the fuck were you last night, dude?” he demands, pissy already this early in the morning.
“Hospital,” I manage, watching traffic buzz by.
“Shit, dude… everything okay?” he stammers.
“No. My mom died,” I whisper, the words not wanting to come out.
“Fuck... oh shit, man. I uh… Shit…”A grin breaks on my stone features that the great Mr. Chicago is speechless finally. Sucks balls that it’s over a topic like this, though.
“Yeah, so, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking a few days off.”
“Yeah… absolutely. You need help with anything? Who’s with Hannah?” His workaholic tone from earlier is gone, and he’s back to best friend mode. Thank God.
“Nah, it’s fine. Gab’s coming with me today to help out,” I say nonchalantly, like we’ve spoken about the whole ‘Gabby’ situation.
“So you uh… You gonna be ok?” He knows how bad I was when Carly died. He was there for me every step of the way.
“Things suck, man,” I sigh. “But I have Hannah.” I smile, glancing in the mirror and see her sleeping already. “I have to be good.”
“You have more than Hannah, you know?”
“Yeah, man. I do,” I smile, parking in front of Gabby’s building. The smile grows as I watch her run through the rain that’s started so she doesn’t get too wet. “I absolutely know, Adam. Don’t worry.”
“Good,” he grunts.
“I gotta go, man. Gab’s here,” I say, as she hops in the car and slams the door.
“Treat him good, Gabby,” Adam warns.
She chuckles and shakes her head.
“I wouldn’t worry about me, Mr. Chicago,” she says sarcastically. “I’m still sticking to my promise from last year. Make your fiancé happy, Adam.”
He grumbles something, and hangs up shortly after. I’m slightly confused, but I don’t care enough to inquire. I don’t really want to talk right now. The mindless chatter with Adam was nice, but, the truth of the matter is, I’m about to go to my parents’ house for the first time since my mom died and I’m not sure what to expect. Do I act like it’s just a normal day? Do I try talking to my dad, or do I leave him alone? When this happened with Carly, Adam took care of a lot of the details because I couldn’t function. Am I going to have to do this with my dad?
About half way to their house, Gabby reaches over, and silently takes my hand in hers, running her thumb up and down mine, a silent reminder that she’s here for me. I’m thankful she hasn’t tried talking about my mom. I’m happy she’s here, and I’m thrilled that she seems to understand I need silence to help me cope.
By the time we make it to my dad’s, it’s late morning and he’s sitting on the porch. He’s changed clothes, and looks like he’s showered and shaven. That’s a good sign. Gabby gets Hannah out of the back without saying a word as I head to the porch, hands in my pockets, not entirely sure how to act right now. Inside, I want to curl into a ball and cry for weeks straight. My mom is gone. I’ll never get her back, but I can’t dwell on that. I can’t dwell on the sadness, because I have a life that relies on me. I have to be strong for her. For everyone.
My dad’s eyes are sad, but alert. He seems a little better than last night, but still looks like shit.
“Hey,” I manage, walking onto the porch. He nods and moves his gaze to Gabby, who’s a few steps behind me. “Oh dad… uh… this is Gabby,” I manage a weak smile and he smiles brightly at her.
“Hi,” she says happily. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope it’s okay I’m here.” She offers her hand for a handshake, but my dad surprises us both and stands to hug her.
“Thank you for being here, Gabby,” he whispers, then lets go and takes Hannah from her arms.
“Come on, sweet pea. Grandpa has breakfast to make my baby girl,” he tells Hannah, just like any other morning we come over.
I watch him, astonished that he could go from distraught to cheerful in a matter of seconds.
“Kids seem to help in times like this,” Gabby says, her hand resting on my elbow, like she can tell exactly what I’m thinking. “You good?” she asks, a reassuring smile on her face.
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Thank you.”
She smiles and nods, then we head inside for a day filled with picking out my mother’s final outfit, making funeral arrangements, and entertaining a one year old.
By the time we leave, the sun it setting and Hannah’s asleep in Gabby’s arms. Gabby did fantastic today, and, other than a few moments when I caught her off guard and saw a few looks of panic on her face, she’s a total pro with Hannah and was the backbone between the three adults.
It’s like she knows exactly what we’re going through.
Who is this woman, and how soon is too soon to tell her I love her?
Gabby
The Only One
Last night, Benton made love to me. It wasn’t just sex, and it was a far cry from fucking. The look in his eyes said it all, but he never said the words. Every day when I wake up, I have to remind myself not to have an attack if he decides to finally verbalize his feelings for me. I see it, but it doesn’t mean I should like it.
I mean… I do like it. I love it. I love the feeling of being wanted, but I don’t like the feeling that I’m going to inevitably screw something up. I love being around him, I love watching him with Hannah, and I love the man he is when he thinks I’m not looking. All of it is what any girl would dream of, and what I used to dream of. The dream I had last night was all too real, though, reminding me that I’m not meant for this life.
***
“You good for nothing bitch,” she growls, kicking me again right in the stomach. I pray to a god I don’t even believe in that I’m not far along enough for it to hurt the baby, but I can’t be sure. I don’t have insurance, and I haven’t seen a doctor yet. I just know I’m pregnant, and that the baby belongs to my ex. The man who took the one thing I held dear, the one thing I had control over, and ran with it, leaving me with a child on the way. No income, no health insurance, no place to raise this poor tiny being… but I’m not giving up.