“I’m leaving, mom,” I say, cringing when I stand up. The pain in my abdomen hurts just a slight bit less than the hit I took a few weeks ago. Maybe she’s lessening her blows to make sure she doesn’t hurt the baby.
Doubtful.
“Right. With no man, no money, and no schooling?” She barks out a laugh, and then starts coughing through the smoke.
“I’m finishing school, Mom. I can do both,” I say, standing my ground. “There’s ways to do it. I won’t be a deadbeat.” Like you.
“Please. You do that, do finish school and get your fucking degree. You’re just like your fucking father, you know that.” Her insinuation that I’m like him pisses me off, and I storm out of the house to be met with the face of the first man I ever gave myself to.
And the father of my child.
“Gabrielle.”
***
“Hey,” Benton’s voice sooths my flashback, bringing me back into the real world. His arms wrap around me as I slide back down in bed. It’s amazing… I can take all the medicine in the world, but the best thing to calm me… the only, fastest thing… is Benton.
“Hi,” I say, smiling. Out of habit, my eyes flick to the clock and see the time. Seven a.m.…. One hour until the first round of pills.
Ever since the night his mom passed, I’ve been doubling up on some of my anxiety pills to help with getting myself through it. I haven’t had an episode like that night again, but there’ve been moments these last few days that I thought I wasn’t going to make it out of the room before breaking down.
“What’s on your mind?” he asks, tracing his fingers down my arm. Every time his hands come to me, I get goosebumps, and, every time he notices, he traces them, smiling. Like he’s happy he can get a reaction out of me that easily.
“Nothing,” I lie. Everything’s on my mind, but I can’t tell him that. I can’t let on that I’m so broken, and have to fill up on pills every damn day just to function like a normal human being.
He nods and grins, then sighs and puts his arm behind his head, staring at the ceiling.
“You know, when I was younger, my mom and I would lay in her bed and stare at the cracks in the ceiling, seeing what shapes we could make out from them.” The chuckle that comes out of him makes me hope he’s starting to get through this disaster.
And a disaster it has been.
These last few days we’ve been through hell, but I like to think I’ve been able to help him through it and make it out on the other side unscathed. Benton loved his mom… he still loves her… and it shows in the way that he raises his little girl. I’ve watched him more this week than I’ve had the chance to these last few months, and, if I were capable of loving someone, I’d have fallen in love with him ten times over just from the way he treats Hannah.
“You’re gonna be okay, you know that?” I say, curling into him, tracing the tattoo lines on his chest.
“Yeah,” he says, then clears his throat. “Doesn’t mean I want to hear that,” he says, getting out of bed, and leaving me cold from where my body was pressed against his.
These mood swings have been a recurring thing these last few days too.
“Work tomorrow?” I ask, standing and stretching, choosing to ignore the anger starting to radiate from him. I’ve learned that if I don’t pay a lot of attention to his swings, then he calms down faster than when I pick a fight with him. I’ve seen him fight, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… and I know what being hit feels like. I’d rather not have it come from someone I care deeply about ever again.
“Yeah,” he clips, his tone a fragment happier. Pulling his clothes on, he sighs and rakes his hands down his face before looking at me. “Listen… I’m sorry, Gabby.” He walks towards me and circles his arms around me. “I’m just… shit,” he sighs.
“Hey,” I say, pulling back the slightest bit to look him in the eyes. His beautiful brown eyes that have been dark and stormy these last few days are starting to come back to life. “It’s okay. I get it. It’s been rough, babe. You’ve been so strong,” I whisper.
He clenches his perfectly sculpted jaw, the shadow from not shaving for a few days is starting to turn darker, making him look more distinguished. Just watching him look at me turns me on. It’s never been like this with anyone before. I’ve never felt so satisfied from just sleeping with one person; that’s why I always had multiple partners and liked to change it up. Ever since Benton, though, he’s been the one. The only one.
“I like this,” I say, smiling as I rub his face with my hands. “You should keep it.”
“Mmm,” he replies, leaning in to pull me in for a kiss. Moaning, I melt into his arms, and welcome the warmth, comfort, and peace that he brings me. “You’d probably like to feel what it’s like between those beautiful legs of yours, wouldn’t you?” His hand slips between my legs to start playing me and I feel the automatic heat and wetness from just one touch. Jesus, he’s good.
“Mmmm,” I moan, not able to form full words anymore. His fingers enter me and he groans, making me even wetter. “Shit,” I pant as he pushes me against the wall, and his lips come down on my collarbone.
“God, Gabby,” he moans, his fingers fucking me and rubbing me, sending me on my way to another mind blowing orgasm.
“I need you, B. I need you in me,” I pant, locking eyes with him. He grunts and lifts me easily, carrying me to the bed. Sitting me on the edge, he lets me take my time pulling the shirt off he just put on and flicking his nipple rings with my tongue. I love to hear his moans when my tongue plays the bars.
“God, Gab,” he growls. “Lay back, baby.” I do as directed, playing with myself, teasing him as he kicks his boxers off and grabs a condom.
“No,” I blurt. I hate condoms, and I want to feel all of him. I want… need… the connection to him.
He looks at me quizzically, a half grin playing on his lips.
“I uh…” Shit, Gabby, way to think before you speak! “I just want to feel you. All of you. I’m clean, I promise.”
“You sure about this? I mean… I’ve been fucking waiting for this day for months now… the day when I can finally be with you without this little bitch… but… are you sure?” He’s holding it in the air, waiting for my answer. I grin and bite my bottom lip, suddenly too shy to answer with words.
Since when is Gabby Rosdale shy? I’m lying here on this bed, playing with myself in front of a naked male… there’s no room for ‘shy’ in this scenario.
“Fuck yes,” he growls, then slides into me and rests his forehead on mine. “Oh good god, Gabby,” he pants, going to his elbows, and taking my face in his hands. His eyes collide with mine, and I see those three little words on the tip of his tongue.
Oh shit, don’t say it, Benton. Don’t say them.
“Mmm, Benton,” I moan, closing my eyes and throwing my head back to give him the silent invitation to move his lips a little lower, trying to distract him from saying those three words.
He does as instructed, and starts moving slowly, groaning with every slight movement. I feel everything… every ridge, every pulse… everything. It’s so divine being this connected to someone that you love.
“Oh, God,” I exclaim. Not from the intense pleasure, but from the realization that the feelings I’ve been feeling are… love. I fucking love him?