“Great,” I mumble, hanging up.
A knock on my door makes me look up as soon as I set the phone down.
“Mr. James… there’s a Gabby Rosdale here to see you?” Sue says from my doorway, looking about as confused as I feel.
“Send her in,” I say, pissed that all I want to do is yell and ask why she lied to me.
The minute I see her, though, all the anger washes away and it’s replaced by sadness. Sadness that this woman I love feels like she can’t trust me with the truth. Jesus, all these fucking feelings. It was never like this with Carly. We were high school sweethearts; I never had these mature feelings of a new relationship with her.
“Hey, you,” I say, wrapping my arms around my life force. Gabby sighs, wrapped in my arms, then I feel her whole body shudder. “God, Gab, what’s wrong baby?” I ask in a hushed tone, gently shutting the door before wrapping my arms back around her. I thought she looked sad when she walked in, but she definitely didn’t start crying until she was here in my arms. “Hey,” I say gently, moving the hair out of her face to see her beautiful light brown eyes. Eyes that still amaze me. The right is still a little… cloudy… which worries me, but I’m sure she’s fine. It’s only like it when she seems over tired or emotional. I’ve never seen something like that on a person before, but I’m starting to believe nothing with Gabby will shock me.
She’s full on crying now, in my arms, so I take her to the couch and sit down with her. She keeps apologizing for something, but I can’t understand what she’s trying to say to me.
“Shhh,” I whisper. “It’s gonna be ok, Gab. You just need to talk to me, baby. I can’t help you until you talk to me.” I’m starting to worry something terrible happened. She’s crying so hard, shaking like she’s scared. Goddamnit.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for bothering you, I just…” she hiccups and sniffles, backing away from me and turning, so I can’t see her beautiful face. No, no she needs me, but she’s pushing me away. Why the hell is she doing this?
“Gabby, just tell me what’s wrong,” I push, walking towards her and taking her arm in my hand gently. She turns and her light brown eyes hit mine again and my heart sinks. She’s so sad. “Please.”
“They let me go,” she sniffles. “The fucking firm filled my position last week when I didn’t show.” Fuck. She was fired because of me. Shit!
“Gabby… shit. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry,” I say, taking her in my arms. She won’t let me coddle her, though. Like she doesn’t want help… which makes no sense because she came to me. What the hell is happening? “Didn’t you have leave to take?” I’m so confused why they’d fire her without any warning.
She shakes her head and sniffles.
“I haven’t been there long enough. It’s nothing. I’ll find another job, I just… after last week… and I haven’t been feeling well… and shit.” She curses, shaking her head. “God, you’re probably thinking I’m bat shit crazy right now!” her laughter fills the room, but it’s not happy laughter. It’s scared laughter.
“Gabby, I don’t think you’re crazy,” I say, taking her hands in mine. “I love you, Gabby.”
The second the words slip out of my mouth, I see her face fall, and know I didn’t exactly do that right. Fuck. Oh shit, what did I just do?
“I mean… You’re… I…” I try to justify my words. I try to make it not look so scary to her… but I can’t. I fucking love her, lies and all.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Oh,” her eyes go wide and her hands start to tremble in mine.
Well, that’s a fucking reaction someone wants to see when he or she admits their love.
“I have to go,” she whispers, and then takes out of my office like a scared cat.
What the fuck?!
Gabby
Just Relax
“Jesus Christ, Gabby! What the fuck were you thinking?” Jordan’s voice screams from behind me.
“I was fucking thinking of keeping my baby away from them!” I scream, rounding on him, preparing myself for a hit that never comes. It’s not typical of him to hit me, but he’s had his moments.
“They are your goddamned parents, Gabrielle,” he growls, stepping close enough for me to feel his breath on my skin.
Beer. It always smells like beer.
“You know, for someone four years older than me, you sure are stupid,” I snap, immediately feeling the sting on my face from his slap. There it is.
“You will let them see him.” His menacing whisper makes my skin prickle.
“Over my dead body,” I whisper, trying to keep the tremble out of my voice.
***
Jolting up in bed, covered in sweat, it takes me a moment to reacquaint myself with my surroundings.
I’m safe. I’m in my bedroom.
I’m alone.
The pills I took today when I finally made it home kicked me on my ass almost immediately. I’ve been out since then, and glancing at the clock… that was about seven hours ago. Shit. Groaning, I stand and try to clear my head from the day’s events.
I was fired today. Not even fired, but ‘let go’. Assholes were clever in their wordage, so I can’t collect anything from them, which makes it hurt even more. They were more than happy to let me have the leave last week, because, according to Lance, they’d already replaced me. Leaving my email accounts open was a mistake, leading me to believe I still would have a job walking in today, but I should have known better. I pretty much told my boss to go fuck herself last time I saw her. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t fire me right then.
My situation couldn’t be any worse right now. I lost my job… my one source of income. I have maybe a half of a month’s worth of money saved up for rent and other bills. My boyfriend just told me he loves me… which, to any other girl, would be fantastic, but to me that just means more heartbreak on the way for all of us. My best friend won’t stop bugging me about talking to my boyfriend and telling him the truth, so I now regret my decision to ever tell her about what happened to me.
This is why I try not to get attached to people! Sure, at the moment, I’m really the only one suffering, but I can’t let it get worse or I may not come back from it. I need to stay away from Benton. I need to stay inside my apartment and job hunt.
I need to get back to what I’m used to, and who I’m used to being.
Several times throughout the night of job hunting, I pick up my phone and attempt to call over Ellie, but I never do. I don’t cheat, and, without talking to Benton and officially breaking things off, I can’t just go back to my old fuck partner.
I promised Dr. Travers I’d lay low until Thursday, so that’s what I’ll do. I’ll job hunt from inside the apartment, and not leave unless it’s an emergency. The anxiety isn’t terrible between these walls. I know I’m safe here, and, if I have no contact with anyone, I can’t hurt anyone. I can stay on my low pill regimen, and not have attacks every time I see a child on the sidewalk walking without holding his mother’s hand, or every time I notice that someone’s not buckled into their car correctly. All the small things that normally go unnoticed by regular people eat at me from the inside, but, from inside my apartment, I can’t see them so they don’t exist.
The phone call from my mother a few weeks ago at work has me on edge, but I’d never tell anyone that. That’s something I won’t even tell Dr. T. I’m sure he’d have me in protective custody, and police all over me, if he found out I think she’s trying to find me. I still remember her words to me last time I saw her.
***
“You’re the reason they are dead. I hope you never forget that,” she growls from the side of me as she walks out of my child’s funeral. “If I ever see you around here again, I’ll make sure to end your sad fucking life myself.”