That man.
The rest of the afternoon goes by so fucking slow. I meet with Dr. T for a session and, though I’m still having episodes, he’s happy with the way I’m progressing. We’ve cut back on the amount of pills I allow myself to take during the day, substituting them with different coping techniques. I feel on edge all the time, more so than before, but he said that’s normal for someone going through what I am.
“So, how’s Benton?” He smiles and watches me for my reaction.
“Fine,” I answer, picking at the couch cushion.
“Any progress made with your relationship? You’ve talked an awful lot about him these last few sessions, but this one you’ve stayed quiet on that topic. Why is that, Gabby?”
“Because I’m scared to hear what you have to tell me,” I answer with a smartass tone, which brings a laugh out of him.
“Well, that’s probably because you know what I’m going to say already, and the answer scares you.”
When I don’t answer, he chuckles.
“Fine. He asked me to move in with him. As you know, I haven’t been able to find a job, so I’m about to lose my place,” I huff. “I told him I could move back in with my mom, but he just blurted out that I should just move in with him. It wasn’t because he wants me there, it was because he felt obligated.”
“What makes you believe that? Hasn’t he showed you just how much he cares for you?”
“Yea, but he has a kid.”
“And you love him, right? Have you told him yet?”
I narrow my eyes at him and nod my head. He nods and grins at me, standing up.
“Listen, your time was up ten minutes ago… but I think you should do it, Gabby. It would be fantastic, for both of you,” he says.
I smile at him and nod, the lump in my throat stopping me from speaking.
Can I do this, really? Can I give up everything I’ve worked for to move in with Benton?
I guess I really don’t have a choice.
The entire drive to his place I’m so nervous that he’s going to take back what he told me, that, by the time I make it to my parking spot, I’m on the edge of an attack. Trying to breathe it out doesn’t work. I don’t carry ICE pills anymore, per Dr. T’s request, so my only other hope is finding something beautiful to focus on.
Near Benton’s place is a small park. It’s cool outside today, and there’s a dad with his little girl all bundled up like it’s winter time, pushing her on the swing. I can’t see their faces with the way they are standing, but I love the carefree scene in front of me. So innocent, so sweet, a father spending time with his daughter, probably giving the mom some time to rest, or maybe mom’s with the little newborn baby brother. It’s all so perfect in my head, these beautiful situations I’ve dreamed up for this father and daughter. Before I know it, I’m smiling, imagining this little girl all grown up, always a daddy’s girl, and tears are rolling down my cheek. But the attack isn’t threatening me anymore.
Pulling my mirror down, I quickly check for makeup smudges. When a knock comes at my window, I shriek, slamming the mirror closed to find Benton and Hannah smiling at me. Hannah’s cheeks are windblown, and Benton’s nose is red.
And they are wearing the jackets that the dad and his daughter at the swings were wearing. When my eyes flick to the swings, they aren’t there anymore… then it hits me.
The beautiful thing that I focused on to get my attack to die down was my Benton and Hannah.
I have to move in with them… Maybe they really can fix me.
Maybe they’re just what I need after all.
Benton
I’m Ready
She’s staring at me like she just pissed herself, and I can’t help but laugh.
‘’What’s up, why’re you just sitting here?” I laugh when Hannah wiggles her way over to her as soon as Gabby is out of her car.
“I uh… I was waiting for you to be finished at the park.”
Her strange behavior has me second guessing her real reason as to why she looked to be fixing her makeup in the car, but I don’t push. I’ve noticed lately she’s been open with me about her episodes and feelings, so there’s no reason she’d hold back now. I’d hope not, at least.
“Let’s get inside. She’s gonna be starving soon,” I say, closing Gabby’s car door and walking them inside. Hannah is in heaven playing with Gabby’s sunglasses, and from the looks of it she’s not bothering Gab at all by getting her tiny fingerprints all over them.
“So, how was the rest of your day?” she asks as we finally make it inside. I grin, watching her set Hannah in the pack and play, handing her a few toys to play with. She’s such a fucking natural, which breaks my heart because that reminds me why she is.
“Good… it was good.” It’s a lie. It was terrible. Adam thinks he can acquire this prostitute business now, and I think he’s losing his damn mind. Annaliese will have his balls for this.
“That’s not very convincing.” She grabs a beer and props herself on the counter. So. Damn. Sexy.
“Mmm… yeah.” I’m not able to keep myself away from her. I’m like a moth to a flame with her, but with her I know I won’t get burnt. “How was your day?” I ask, running my hands up her thighs.
“I met with Dr. T today,” she says nonchalantly, and takes a swig of beer.
“Yeah?” I stop, and watch her eyes travel to mine. She’s never talked about her therapy sessions, and I know better than to pry, but I’ve always wondered what happens behind those closed doors.
“Mhmm.” She takes another drink of her beer and grins at me when I narrow my eyes at her. “What?” She stops, the bottle so close to her lips that I have the fleeting thought that I wish I were that bottle.
Then Hannah’s laughter rings through the room, and I remember why I can’t be right now.
“That’s good,” I say, clearing my throat and backing away. Don’t pry, Benton. She’ll talk when she wants to.
“You’re not going to ask about it?”
“You’ll talk when you’re ready,” I say, starting to grab food to make for dinner.
“I’m ready,” she whispers.
I immediately stop what I’m doing, and turn to look at her. She’s ready?
“Great, babe. That’s… that’s fantastic.” I say, walking back over to her. “Like, right now? Or later? Or just… whenever?” I’m not used to talking out feelings, Carly didn’t really ever want to do that, so I haven’t had much work in that area, but I’ll do it for Gabby. I’ll do it for us.
“Later, Benton,” she says, laughing. “Right now, we need to cook. And you need to show me around this place.”
Show her around? She’s been here hundreds of times it seems… she should know where the necessities are. I must be looking at her strangely, because she laughs and slaps my arm.
“So, when I move in, I’m not totally lost.”
My jaw drops and heartbeat quickens.
When she moves in. She’s moving in.
She’s moving in!
“Seriously?!” I laugh and smash my lips to hers, unable to hide the joy those words just brought me. “For real?”
“Yeah… I think it’d be good for both of us. And Hannah needs someone to teach her how to be a fashionista at an early age. I can help with that,” she says with a wink. Pressing my forehead to hers, I sigh.
“Fuck, Gabby… you had me worried for a while there.”
“Why?” she grins, cocking her head.
“I honestly thought you were going to try to break this off. With the way you reacted to me outside to the way you’ve just seemed a little put off lately… I don’t know.” I shrug, backing up.
“I’m sorry, babe… I was watching you guys on the playground earlier, and I didn’t know you had made it to my car so fast. It was beautiful, seeing you and her out there, so carefree.” She scoots off the counter and wraps her arms around me. “And I’m sorry I’ve seemed weird lately. I’m learning all these new coping mechanisms when things start to get too rough… when the flashbacks start. Sometimes it makes my focus off.”