“Dude, you were believable. You’ve been brushing up on your acting skills.”
“Right, with all my free time,” he scoffs. “Those girls were annoying as hell. I dropped contact with them the day after the meeting when Annaliese found out about it.” He chuckles and crosses his ankle on his knee.
“Oh, so she did find out about it?”
“Fuck, yes, she did. And I had to sleep on the couch! Thing is nice looking, and crazy expensive… but it sleeps like shit.”
I can’t help but laugh at him. Sometimes all it takes is a woman to bring us back to reality.
“Hey, if I would need your help with some personal issues… you game?”
“Intriguing…” he hums, tapping his fingers on the chair. “Gabby?”
“Something like that, yeah,” I say. I’m not sure how much she wants me to tell people about her past and her crazy mother, but I need to know Adam will have our back if everything starts falling apart.
“Anything you need, man. Anything at all.”
“Thanks. Now, get out. I have a phone interview with a possible small business that wants your money,” I say, nodding at the door.
“Have fun giving my money away. Make good decisions, bro. A-Team out,” he says, then shuts the door behind him.
Right before my phone call, I get a text from Gabby.
GABBY: I’d like to take Hannah to the park. Do you think that would be okay?
She what? I didn’t think she wanted to even be with us, and now she wants to take her out in public? I can’t say ‘no’, because then I’d put off the vibe that I think something could go wrong. What could go wrong? Definitely nothing with your girlfriend’s crazy mother… or the fact that your girlfriend herself is prone to panic attacks and blackouts that leave her cold on the floor.
Fuck.
ME: That’s fine. Just be careful and have fun.
I hit send, and then look around my office. All the pictures of Hannah as a newborn, Hannah’s one month, two month and so on images.
I can’t lose her. I can’t lose Gabby. So, instead of taking the phone call when it comes in, I have it rescheduled and leave the office. Gabby told me what park they’re going to. I won’t ruin their girl time, but I will keep an eye on them… just to make sure they’re safe until they get back inside my place and behind locked doors.
If Gabby wants to live a real life, wants to try to be normal, and this is how she wants to do it, I’m going to be right there watching her, making sure everything is safe and secure for the two girls I love most in this world.
Even if she doesn’t know it.
Gabby
It’s all OK
The swings creak and I leave one hand on her as long as I can before she swings forward again. I like the fact that she’s not fully mobile yet, so coming to the park is as easy as sitting her in a swing and letting her laugh and enjoy herself, locked in one place where I can be right by her. I’ve been watching the other people here, and, so far, no one looks familiar and no one puts off a ‘killer’ vibe. Not that I wouldn’t know my mom the second I saw her, but she’s evil enough to hire someone to off me if she thinks I’ll run.
Which I would, if it came down to it.
Of course, the anxiety I typically feel when out in public is heightened to new levels today with the threat of my mother finding me, as well as being out here with Hannah, but I’ve been focusing on keeping her laughing. Her laughter has kept me grounded so far.
We swing for an hour like this, making silly noises and faces every time the swing brings her back to me. The fit of giggles this girl has coming out of her has put a permanent smile on my face. She’s so bright and happy and innocent. At one point, I thought that being around her would make my panic attacks and flashbacks worse, since I’d constantly be being reminded of what I lost… but somehow she’s the best therapy I’ve ever had. She’s happy and carefree. She’s small and brave. She’s innocent.
I love her like she were my own, and I think that’s why I can do this without freaking out. I know what happened when I was neglectful of my own child. Sure, the court system said it was just an accident, and no blame was laid on me legally, but I know the truth. I was neglectful and he suffered. They both did. I’ll never be that neglectful again, especially now that Hannah is in my life.
“You about ready to go home, Hannah Banana?” I ask, pulling her out of the swing and pressing my chilly nose to hers. She giggles and snuggles her face into the crook of my neck, signaling that naptime is almost near.
I was thrilled when Benton said I could keep her at his place today. Not having a job, the days get lonely and long. Having her with me has helped break some of that up. During her morning nap, I napped with her, and, if all goes well, she’ll be asleep for the walk home and transfer to her crib nicely, allowing me time to get a much needed phone call made.
On the walk back to his place… our place… I make sure to make eye contact with every person that passes me. None of them look like they know me, or are up to anything suspicious, but that doesn’t loosen the grip I have on Hannah’s stroller.
No one will take her from me.
Walking back into the apartment, I grab my phone and text Benton that we’re back inside safely and locked in. I texted him a few times from the park, but he never answered. I hope he’s just busy, and not hurt and needing me somewhere.
See?! That’s where my mind fucking goes. Always negative. It pisses me off.
I was right that Hannah would fall asleep and pat myself on the back when I’m able to get her in her crib without her waking up.
After checking the door and window locks one more time, I sit on the couch and call Annaliese. We spoke briefly the other day when she called and apologized for everything that happened here the night I finally told Benton, but really she didn’t have to. After everything calmed down from that, I realized that she couldn’t have done anything more perfect… because it brought Benton and I closer in the long run. I haven’t, however, filled her in on the drama with my mom. She needs to know… Me being in her wedding could be catastrophic.
“Hey, bitch,” she answers.
“Love you too,” I joke. “What’re you up to?”
“Nothing,” she huffs. “Adam told me to go shopping today and get things for the honeymoon, but I don’t plan on wearing anything the entire two weeks… soooooo there’s not much to buy.” She laughs, helping mend my worries about the two of them.
“Just a week away, babe… You ready for this?”
“Ugh, yes,” she answers exasperatedly. “I’m ready to move on with our lives together, as man and wife… and not have to keep everything so secretive and quiet. I have a fucking team of people ready to wait on me hand and foot next weekend, but all I want is to be in Adam’s arms and on that private Island for two weeks. Too bad we have to wait a month for that; I just want it now. I couldn’t care less about the ceremony, the people… I mean my dress is beautiful, so that’d be a shame… but all I want is him.”
Somewhere in her speech I found myself daydreaming about what it would be like if I ever were to get married. Of course, it wouldn’t be anything near as extravagant as Annaliese and Adam’s wedding, but I’d still want a party. Just a party. Maybe a courthouse wedding, maybe a small get together with family and friends… but I would want to party. I’ve never really let myself think about what my life would be like when I grew up because I never thought I’d make it. Now, the thought of actually getting married and being with that one person has my mind flying around like it’s on drugs. Scattered and focused at the same damn time.
“What’s up, Gab? You never call me in the middle of the day,” she says.