“Oh… um…” I pause, then start talking and don’t stop until I’ve told her everything. Every little detail. It’s amazing that, a year ago, I’d never told anyone about my life before college, and now I find that talking to my boyfriend and best friend is one of the most therapeutic things to do. By the time I’m done, she’s silent.
Annaliese is never silent.
“Annie?” I whisper into the phone.
“I hate that name,” she whispers, and then laughs, forcing a chuckle out of me. “Jesus, Gabby. What are you going to do?”
“Hide?”
“Well, that’s not an option. You’re the maid of honor at my fucking wedding. No you… no wedding.”
“Annaliese, I’m not putting your wedding day on the line.”
“Gabby, you don’t even know if she’s actually coming for you! You can’t pull out of your best friend’s wedding just because you’re scared!”
“Shit.” I sigh. “I know… but, if you don’t want me there, I understand. You don’t know her… she’s fucking evil.”
“Fuck you, Gabby. Stop being so ‘woe is me’ and be happy that I’m getting married! You’re the fucking maid of honor, and I’m the bride that gets what she wants,” she says, then bursts out laughing. “Sorry… I tried to channel Bridezilla… it didn’t work.” She laughs and I immediately feel better.
“So, you’re cool with me still being there?”
“Of course! I told you, I’m not getting married without you there. You’re family… the little family I have left.”
“Love you, woman,” I say, then hear Hannah wake up from her nap. “Gotta go, bitch. I’m being summoned,” I joke.
“Later, sweets.”
By the time I get Hannah up, changed, and fed a snack, it’s almost time for Benton to be home.
Home.
Smiling, I wander around his place while Hannah plays in her bouncer.
Home.
I call my place my place… I called the apartment I shared with Annaliese our apartment. I called the place I lived when I was younger my mother’s house, because it never felt like home. It’s insane to think that this beautiful place will be my home.
Vaulted ceilings… I guess being on the top floor of a remodeled condo building can have its perks. Dark wood floors are a manly touch to the otherwise bare décor. I wonder if he lived here with his wife, or if he moved after she passed. If I were him, I would have moved.
Making my way back to the living room, Hannah looks ready to get out of her bouncer, and I’m ready to do something else but play with blocks and balls. Grinning, I search the place until I find exactly what I’m looking for.
Finger paints.
By the time Benton makes it home, Hannah and I are well on our way to making the biggest mess ever with finger paints. Apparently, she likes the taste because I’ve spent the past five minutes trying to stop her from eating it.
“Wow,” Benton says chuckling. He drops his bags next to the door and laughs again, hands on his hips. “So how was your day, little miss?” he asks Hannah, leaning in to kiss the top of her head. It’s hilarious watching him try to escape her tiny messy fingers when she grabs for him. I never pegged him as a man who cared much for vanity, but he obviously doesn’t want that suit getting washable finger paint on it.
“Hey, you,” he says smiling at me. “How was it today?” His hands cup my face gently and I melt into him. It feels so good, so natural, him coming home to Hannah and me playing. I haven’t had an attack all day, which is hopeful and reassuring that I’m making the right choice.
“Wonderful,” I answer. “I love her.” Our eyes connect and he smiles, leaning in to kiss me gently on the lips. So much of me wishes I could push this further, but, with his daughter starting to pull for him, I know that’s not a good idea.
“I’m going to have to do a little work from here tonight,” he says, walking to the kitchen.
Work from home? He’s never had to do that.
“Oh. Okay,” I say, picking Hannah up and heading to the sink to wash her up before dinner. “Everything going okay?”
“Yes. Everything is fine,” he says, sighing. He looks worried about something. I hope he’s not keeping something from me.
“You sure?” I push for more, but he doesn’t budge.
“Positive, Gabby. Sorry… just stressed. There’s a few business acquisitions we may be getting that have me on edge. I can’t really talk about anything else until it’s all final.”
“Ok. I get it, trust me.” He nods silently, watching me clean off Hannah’s hands. “So, dinner tonight?”
“Let’s order in. I need to go to the store,” he says, sighing as he looks in his bare fridge.
“I can go tomorrow. You’re busy. Hannah and I can go to the store.” I say it without thinking that he might not want me to have her tomorrow. I mean… he is paying for daycare. Maybe he wants her there.
“Oh… ok. Yeah. That works,” he says. I notice him clenching his jaw and watching me. I wish he’d tell me what’s going on tonight. He seems off about something.
“You heard anything about your mom?”
“Oh, um. No. I haven’t had the news on today, though.” I shrug it off, trying not to let the comment get to me. Obviously, the thought crossed his mind that it’s not safe for me to take his daughter out in public. It crossed mine too, the minute I said I’d take her, but I can’t let him see my self-doubt or else he’s not going to let me be with her again… and I can’t have that.
“Why do you think she’s even after you anyway? I mean… what’d you ever do to her that would make her want revenge this far in the future?” He throws another shirt on to get ready for his evening workout, and I hold back the drool.
“Uh… I don’t know.” I shrug. “Being born?”
“That’s not funny, Gab. I, for one, am glad you were born,” he says kissing me gently.
“Mhmm… who knows? You know what, it’s all going to be okay. She’s probably just running from the cops and not actually out there looking for me,” I say, trying to make myself believe the words I’m saying.
I don’t, but I need to. I need to… because we all need to be okay.
We will be, too.
We’ll be fine.
Benton
Trust
“Dude, you look like shit,” Adam says as I walk into the break room to grab my third cup of coffee this morning. It’s only 9AM. I’ve only been here for an hour, and downed more coffee that I usually do in an entire day. I thought being a parent brought on a lack of sleep, but that’s nothing to these past few days of pulling double time following Gabby and Hannah around town.
I’m not sure how she can feel so comfortable with taking Hannah out and about like she has been with her mom still on the loose, but, if she’s comfortable, I trust her. She wouldn’t put my daughter in danger. She loves her.
Just watching her care for Hannah makes me love her more and more. Each time I see her, my heart swells with pride that she’s finally coming out of her flashback haze she seemed to be in for a while there. I think being around Hannah has been truly good for her. Now, if only I could learn to juggle working full time and keeping up with my normal work flow, as well as being a good partner and parent when I’m home and not a walking zombie PLUS secretly watching my girlfriend and daughter every time they leave the house, I’d be fantastic. Unfortunately, at this rate, I’m wearing down fast.
“I know.” I grumble something to Adam then head back to my office with two mugs of coffee. I have too much shit to get done this morning, and, this afternoon, Gabby is planning another trip to the park, so it’s going to be another day of working my ass off, sitting in a car watching my girlfriend to make sure she’s safe, then staying up all night to finish work.
Who needs sleep, anyway?
“So, you good for Friday night?” Adam asks, breaking my concentration on the files in front of me.