I cry for Gabby and her life she’s going to miss. I cry for Hannah. I cry for every fucked up thing that has made my world so terribly depressing. When the paramedics come in, they have to physically pull me off of her to get to her.
I’m numb. When they wheel her out, Adam stays with Hannah so I can ride with Gabby. There’s beeping in the ambulance, but that doesn’t mean she’s alive. She’s so cold.
“She’s cold,” I mutter, taking her hand in mine. Is this the last time I’ll hold her hand? Oh, fuck. Shit!
“Here,” one of the paramedics in the front seat hands me back a blue blanket, and I drape it over the lower part of her body as the other men and women in the ambulance with me work on her to keep her alive.
Staring numbly, I watch them applying pressure to the bullet holes, checking machines, cutting clothes. I barely remember them taking her from me when we make it to the hospital… I can’t move. I can’t do this all over again.
The driver tells me where I can wait for her, so I numbly walk and sit in a room filled with other people. I think I’m going to pass out.
I can’t do this again.
Closing my eyes, I block out every noise and moment in the room. I’m not here. I’m not waiting in a hospital room, sitting here while someone I love is being worked on. I’m not doing this for the third time in a fucking year.
This can’t be real.
I’m not sure how long it’s been. I don’t know what time we left the house, what time we got here. I don’t know if she’s alive or dead.
She can’t be dead. I’ve gone from sad, to numb, to pissed since I’ve been sitting here. Pissed at the world because it apparently hates me.
“Hey, man,” I hear Adam say, sitting down next to me.
“Where’s my daughter?” I mumble, wondering why the last time I saw him he was going to stay with her, now he’s here with me, and she’s nowhere in sight.
“Annaliese has her. You shouldn’t be here alone, B.”
“I’m fine. Your time is precious, Mr. Chicago. Don’t waste it on me.”
“I’m not taking offense by that because I know you’re hurting,” he says. “I’m also not going anywhere. Get used to it.”
He leans back in his seat, and puts his hands behind his head, making himself comfortable for the long haul.
Hours pass and we still haven’t heard anything. It shouldn’t be taking this long, right? We should have heard something by now.
“Mr. James?” A nurse says from the doors to the surgery doors.
It’s not a doctor. She doesn’t look sad… that’s a good sign, right? Adam stands and pats my back, reminding me that he’s still here for me. Even if we haven’t talked since he got here.
I can’t. I don’t know what to talk about, and I definitely don’t want to relive the phone call I got. We were just getting ready to leave work when it came through. The minute I head the scratchy voice on the other end of the phone, I knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. When she told me, “I hope you kissed her goodbye this morning. It’ll be the last kiss you’ll ever have on her warm lips”, I lost it. Adam came running after me and we made it to my place in record time… but I wasn’t fast enough.
“If you want to sign a few things for us, Mr. James, you’ll be able to come see the doctor. Without you two being married, it’s a little different, but she has no next of kin and she’s so groggy that we’re taking your word on being her fiancé.” She looks over at Adam and shrugs. “I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to stay out here, Mr. Callahan.”
He chuckles and smiles. “First time I’ve ever been turned down.”
“Get used to it,” I grumble as I start to fill out the mounds of paperwork.
By the time I’m done, I’m shaking with nerves while I wait for someone to take me to her. She’s alive, and that’s all that matters.
“Mr. James, this way please,” the nurse from before says from the doorway. Walking behind her, she stops at an office first. There’s a young doctor in a white coat going over some files. When the nurse announces who I am, he stops and looks sadly at me.
Fuck.
“Hey, Benton,” he says. “Have a seat, please.” He motions to a chair in his office, and I look at the nurse.
I thought I was going to see my girl?
“Come on, it’ll be fast. I’ve been on my feet for a long time. Just need a break,” he says, sitting in his chair.
“Benton, Gabby went through a lot today. One bullet hit a rib and splintered out, piercing vital organs. We’ve repaired them, but, in order to get to a few of the pieces, we had to cut her open in a few spots. She also had a shot in the shoulder that went all the way through, but hit a few nerves on its route. Unfortunately, repairing those won’t be so easy. There’s a surgery scheduled for the morning to attempt to mend some of the pieces. Her body couldn’t take much more today… she already lost so much blood before she got here.” He sighs and rakes his hands through his hair. Watching him, I see how exhausted he is. He was probably the doctor that worked on her, and he looks that wore out. Fuck. “She’ll have to undergo a lot of physical therapy and, even with that, she might not ever have full function of her arm. She’s going to be sore, angry, and probably more depressed than she already was.”
I narrow my eyes at him and he chuckles.
“She’s in our system through Dr. Travers. I’m able to see all of her medical records. That’s why I called you in here. I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” I whisper. “I love her. I’ll do anything to help her.”
“Good… she’s going to need you. She’s going to need patience. She’s going to need help… but she’s going to need you to trust her.”
“I do trust-”
“Not like that. She’s going to need you to trust in her. Trust that she’s going to make it through this. When someone with PTSD goes through another horribly tragic event like this, it can set back their recovery and sometimes wipe all progress clear to the point of starting over.”
Oh.
“I will be there for her.” I grind, feeling the knot in my throat tighten again.
“Good… because, if you can’t promise me you’ll be there for her through everything and not get mad because she’s not the girl you fell in love with… you need to leave now.” He nods at the door and glares at me.
He’s fucking serious!
“I’m not leaving her,” I growl. “I need to see her,” I say, standing and walking to the door. “You can either show me, or I’ll find my on way.”
With my hand on the doorknob, he chuckles and stands to take me to my girl.
My Gabby.
Walking into her room, I see her like I’ve never seen her before.
Blank.
She’s awake. Laying in the hospital bed, her eyes open but not moving, she doesn’t respond to me entering the room. There are tubes all over her and machines beeping, but she’s not my Gabby. She looks the same, but there’s a look in her eyes that has me freaked out.
She’s blank.
The doctor gives me a look of warning before he leaves me be alone with her.
“Hey,” I whisper, walking to her side and taking her hand in mine. Before I can pull it to my mouth to kiss her, she pulls it away and looks out the window across the room.
Fuck.
I sigh and pull up a chair.
“Gabby,” I whisper. “I know you might not want me here, but I don’t care. I love you and I’m here.”
She doesn’t respond, which scares me.
I need my girl back.
And I’m not leaving her side until she’s my Gabby again.
We sit in silence for I don’t know how long. Thankful Annaliese is confident with Hannah, I don’t move a muscle, just waiting for Gabby to talk to me.
When the sun starts to rise I finally feel my eyes getting heavy. Refusing to leave her side, I lay my head back in the chair and drift off to sleep, remembering back when things were less complicated.