"Like what?"
She shrugged.
"I always felt bad when she said that. It was like nobody would go out with me for, you know, just what they could get. And it made me feel like I was stupid, like if any broad wanted to take me for everything she could get, she could, and I'd be too weak to stop her."
"Weak," she said. It wasn't exactly a question, and it wasn't exactly a comment.
"Dumb, whatever."
She nodded.
"Must have made girls seem pretty scary, when you were a boy."
"Well, not scary. I mean a boy doesn't have to be scared of a girl"
"Um hmm."
"I used to fantasize sometimes. "He would feel the surge of passion, almost ejaculatory, as he flitted closer to revelation. "I used to think about tying them up." He could barely speak for the rush of excitement. He felt the sexual thrill of it dance through him.
"Um hmm."
They were both quiet. I could tie you up, he thought. If I had my stuff with me. I could make you stay there and tie you up.
"What do you suppose those girls were going to take?" she said again.
He felt as if he might explode.
"Me," he heard his voice. "They'd take me."
"Away from?" she said.
"Her. "His voice seemed loose from him, out there on its own in the room.
CHAPTER 21
Susan and I were having dinner in Davio's on Newbury Street, in a booth in the back. Susan had developed a taste for red wine, so that lately she was putting away a glass at a single sitting. We had a bottle of Chianti between us and a salad each.
Susan guzzled nearly a gram of Chianti and put the glass down.
"Um," she said.
"We've got a list of seven possibles among your clients," I said.
"Possible Red Rose killer?"
"Possible guy who left the rose and ran."
"How did you come by the list?" she said.
"We staked out the office and followed anyone who fit the description."
"Who's we?"
"Quirk, Belson, and me. Hawk stayed with you."
"Because you were the man who'd seen him," she said.
"Yes."
"Did you compromise them?"
"No," I said. "They never knew they were followed." I handed her the seven names typed on a piece of white paper. She picked up the paper without looking at it.
"Of course I speculated on who it could be," she said. "To outrun you they had to fall within certain broad categories."
I nodded. There was some bread in a basket on the table and I broke off a piece and used it as a pusher when I ate some salad.
She looked at the list. Nodded her head.
"Yes," she said. "These were some I considered. You must have eliminated others because they didn't look like the man you chased height, that sort of thing."
"Yes."
"It is unfortunate as hell," Susan said, "that our professional lives have had to intersect like this, so soon after we had reorganized our personal lives."
"I know," I said. "But we have to deal with it. We've dealt with worse."
"Yes," she said, and took another hit on the Chianti. "We have.
And we can. It's just that the problem cuts across business and personal in a way that touches on the core of our relationship."
"I know," I said.
"We are able to love one another with the intensity that we do because we are able to be separate while we are at the same time one."
"E Pluribus Unum?" I said.
"I think that's something else," Susan said.
The salads went and pasta came. When the waiter had set down the food and left, Susan said, "This thing is compromising the separateness. I'm never alone. If you're not with me, Hawk is. And when I'm working, one of you is there, at the top of the stairs with a gun."
I nodded. I was having linguine with clam sauce. It was elegant.
"You know that this has nothing to do with being tired of you," Susan said. She had her fork in her hand and was leaning forward over her tortellini.
"Yes," I said. "I know that."
"Or Hawk," Susan said. "There is no one except you I enjoy being with more than Hawk."
"But you need time alone."
"Absolutely."
"But," I said, "we can't let him kill you." Susan smiled.
"No. We can't," she said. "And I'm quite confident that we won't. If I'm to be guarded, who better?"
We ate pasta.
"If one of my patients is in fact the Red Rose killer, and left the rose in my hallway, I could probably make a stab at which of these names it is," Susan said.
"But you aren't going to," I said.
"I can't." She ate some more tortellini. "Yet."
"Remember that it's not only you. It might be some unknown black woman that he's going to do next."
Susan nodded. "That of course also weighs with me. This is very difficult." She drank some wine. "He has not struck, if you'll pardon the melodramatic statement, since Washburn confessed."
"We both know the answer to that," I said.
"Yes. He could lie low for a while."
"But how long?" I said.
"He'd probably be able to hold off for a while, but… it's need. The poor bastard is driven by a need he cannot resist. He's acting out something awful."
"So he'll do it again."
"Yes," Susan said softly. "And God only knows what going under cover costs him, and what he'll be like when he emerges."
"You think he's one of yours," I said.
She looked at the wine in her glass. The light above the booth shone through it and made it ruby. Then she looked back up at me and nodded slowly.
"I think he's one of mine."
"Which one?" I said.
She shook her head.
"I haven't the right," she said. "Not yet. If I'm wrong and he's accused, it will destroy him."
"Godammit," I said.
Susan reached across the table and put her hands on my mouth. She let her hands slide down from my mouth along my shoulders and arms and rested them on my forearms.
"Please," she said. "Please."
I took in as much air as I could get through my nose and let it out slowly, the way I used to let cigarette smoke drift out after I inhaled.
She was leaning forward so far that the tortellini was in danger.
"To be who I am. To be the woman you love, to be part of what we are, which is not like anyone else is, to be Susan, I have to be able to deal with this as I must. I must use my judgment and my skill and I mustn't let fear change any of that."
I looked at her small hands lying on my forearms. It seemed as if we were alone in a void, no waiters, no diners, no restaurant, no world.
And it seemed as if we sat that way for twenty minutes.
"No," I said finally, "you mustn't. You're perfectly right."
I looked up at her big eyes, and they held me. She smiled slowly.
"And," I said, "you're about to put your tit in the tortellini." . He'd heard the boyfriend on the radio, Spenser. He'd been saying that the schwartze didn't do it. Did they know about him? Did the sonovabitch make him when he'd left the rose? Everybody else thought the schwartze did it. How come Spenser didn't? Did she? Did she know he did it? Did she know he tied all the other broads up and gagged them and watched them struggle and try to scream through the gag? He looked at the fish in the tank swimming quietly, the morning sun shining through the tank.
She'd come out in a minute and say come in and then he'd be in the tank.
Maybe she'd like being tied up. Some women did. They liked being tied up and naked and begging for it. He could feel the rush again as he thought about it. But he couldn't come talk to her anymore if he did something. And she might tell the boyfriend. Big bastard. In the papers it said he'd been a fighter. Fuck him. Maybe she'd told the boyfriend. Maybe she suspected him from what he said in there. They knew. Shrinks knew stuff even when you didn't want them to. She watched him all the time. She watched when he moved his arm or jiggled his foot, or shifted in the chair. She watched everything. She concentrated on him… the fish cruised in slow circles in the sunny water… she cared about him. She wouldn't tell the boyfriend. She wouldn't. The boyfriend thought it on his own. The has tard. She wouldn't tell. The office door opened. She was there in a dark blue dress with red flowers on it.