“The reason I’ve decided not to talk is that I think that if I start talking, I’m afraid that I’ll screw up and say something that will…hurt other people.”
“Have you changed your mind about the treatment team?”
“No.”
“Then I can’t let you go on, Merritt. I’m sorry. I owe you confidentiality. So, as much as I would like to hear what you have to say, I’m forced to decline to listen.”
“I’m trying to talk to you here. God, I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“More than you know. I just can’t accept your limitations. And it appears you can’t accept mine. So we’re back at stalemate, I guess. We can both think about our positions and go over it again tomorrow.”
“I didn’t do it.”
“We need to stop, Merritt. I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t do it.”
I felt an incredible compassion for her struggle right then. I was sorely tempted to grant her anything she wanted just to keep her talking. But what I said was, “Give up, please, Merritt. Let me help you surrender. I won’t leave you alone.”
I stood to escort her out the door.
She stopped to look at me. I thought, for the first time in this treatment, that patient and therapist were equally exasperated.
I hoped I had made the right decision.
Twenty-seven
Before I left the hospital, I stopped by the cardiac care unit and checked on Chaney. John Trent was in the corridor outside, pacing. He said the docs were once again worried about his daughter’s pulmonary function. If the trend continued, it would be a sign of the beginning of the deterioration that everyone knew was inevitable.
I used the nursing station phone to call Lauren at the hospital in Washington where she was camped out with her mother. The frozen section of her mom’s breast biopsy had come back negative. Most of the family had gathered and were celebrating in the room.
I was thrilled for them. But the background joy sounded peculiar and foreign.
Dinner with Adrienne could be anything, one of life’s most certain rolls of the dice. Since the day we became friends, she had maintained an elliptical orbit around my life. At any time she could be as distant as the most distant comet, or as close as a meteor on a collision course with my planet. With Lauren gone and Sam so consumed with Merritt and Chaney, I was hoping for a close encounter with Adrienne.
On the way home from the hospital in Denver, I stopped and picked up pud Thai and chicken satay and a bottle of Gewürztraminer. When I arrived at Adrienne’s door with Emily by my side, it was almost ten and Adrienne had just managed to get Jonas to bed.
We ate in the kitchen. I wasn’t certain her dining room had ever been soiled by food.
I filled her in on Lauren’s mom’s condition and on the situation with Merritt. I told her more than I should have about Madison’s disappearance. She asked me about Chaney’s condition.
I told her what I knew, and added, “Ren, you ever think about, you know, donating money to help a sick kid?”
She didn’t look up. She smiled at her plate and used her don’t-tell-me voice. “How far are you in?”
“Lauren and I? A hair over thirty thousand.”
“What do they need?”
“Total? The hospital requires a deposit of about three hundred and fifty thousand.”
“And what has the family raised?”
“Not much. Without us, under fifty.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“Great, thanks.”
I expected to be cross-examined more about my motives. I wasn’t.
She said, “Friend time, okay? When you hear what’s going on, it may sound like I want you to play shrink, but I don’t. Okay? Are we clear?”
My mouth was full. After I swallowed, I said, “These days, Adrienne, I’m always grateful for the opportunity not to play shrink.”
“Good. I’ve been dating Cozy for what, like months already, right?”
I nodded. It had been months. I was there the night they met.
“I like him.”
She seemed to want me to say something. I said, “Yes? That’s good, right? He’s a good man, Ren.”
“He is. And yes, it’s been…it’s been good. But lately I’ve gotten”-she smiled coyly-“confused about something. See, a couple of weeks ago he introduced me to his ex-wife. He really wanted me to meet her twin girls, whom he adores. The twins aren’t his; she’s been married twice. His ex-wife’s name is-”
“Erin, I met her last fall. She’s an investigator. She’s nice. I know their situation.”
“Yes, Erin’s…nice.” Adrienne coughed. At first I thought it might be the spiciness of the satay. “Real nice,” she said, coughing again. “The thing is, well, the thing is that I think we’ve started dating.”
It wasn’t the satay.
“You and…?”
“Erin.”
“Erin. You’re dating?”
“Well, we’re going out. And it doesn’t feel like a girlfriend thing. The going out.”
My brain cramped. I asked, “Have you, um-?”
“Not yet, but I think we might be getting close to, um…you know.”
“And you’re okay with-?”
“Sure, I guess. I don’t know. We’ll see.”
“Well,” I said, “it sounds to me like you’re a willing volunteer on this expedition into the wilderness. What’s the trouble?”
Adrienne had scoffed at my choice of wines and poured herself a Miller Lite. She drained half a glass of beer and belched a little bit before she continued. “I’m a little confused here, can’t you tell? I’m still seeing Cozy-I mean I saw him last night-and believe me, he and I, we’re way past ‘close,’ if you know what I mean. So I don’t know exactly what to do with this little sexual preference problem that I’m experiencing.”
“Is this…attraction to women something new, Ren? I mean, have you ever-”
“No, I’ve never. Of course, it’s something new. I mean, sure, I’ve…you absolutely promise you’re not going to go judgmental on me here? You promise? I’ll kill you, I swear I will.”
I knew her threat wasn’t idle. My physical well-being was at stake. I said, “I promise.”
“Peter and I always used to like the same pornography. Girl-on-girl stuff. I thought that was weird. But, you know, I just ended up thinking that it was another sign of how compatible we were. That’s ironic, right?”
It was also denial, but it was certainly ironic. I said, “Sure, Ren.”
“Are you patronizing me?”
I stood up and walked across the counter and hugged her. “This is a little more complicated than dating two different guys, isn’t it?”
“Tell me about it. How do I know what the hell I should be doing?”
“I don’t know. Just pay attention to how it all feels. Sometimes the best way to get off the fence is just to get off the fence.”
She almost coughed up some beer through her nose. “Jesus. People pay you for this? I can’t even decide between AT amp;T and MCI and you’re telling me to decide who to sleep with by jumping off a goddamn fence?”
I couldn’t help but smile.
“Adrienne, I don’t care who you sleep with or who you love.” I pulled back and put my hands on her cheeks and looked her in the eyes. “You’ve stood by me through some pretty questionable romantic choices. If Erin makes you happy, I’m thrilled. If she mistreats you, don’t worry, I know where she lives.”
She looked at me plaintively. “What about Cozy? What do I tell him?”
“Don’t be too concerned about him. He’s a big boy, Ren.”
“He certainly is. And believe me, given my line of work, I’ve seen the competition, so I know what I’m talking about.”
Her phone rang.
Adrienne answered. “What?” She listened for a few agitated seconds and handed it to me. I was dumbstruck to learn I was being invited to go for a helicopter ride.