True to what we had learned about Melissa, Buford (the first hard-hat accountability expert we trailed) seemed far more like Mr. Rogers than Mr. T. Despite the fact that the facility appeared to have been prefabricated in hell, Buford’s style and demeanor could have fit easily into a white-collar boardroom. He acted far more like a schoolteacher than like the abusive leaders who surrounded him.
When we asked the plant manager why he thought Melissa and Buford were the best of the best, he repeated something we learned earlier. “It’s easy to find a leader who creates warm and lasting relationships but who struggles to get things done. It’s not much harder to find a no-nonsense, hard-hitting leader whom you might send in to put out a fire but who creates hard feelings. Consequently, when you find someone who can manage both people and production, you’ve got a real gem.”
How did these two skilled professionals solve problems while building relationships? How did they start an accountability discussion? We’re not sure how they came to have the same understanding, but it didn’t take us long to realize that the skilled leaders and parents we eventually studied had somehow managed to stumble onto the same exquisitely simple yet important principles.
To ensure that you set the right tone during the first few seconds of any accounting, don’t shoot from the hip. Don’t charge into a situation, kick rears, take names, and let the chips fall where they may. Instead, carefully describe the gap. Here’s how:
• Start with safety.
• Share your path.
• End with a question.
Start with Safety
When another person has let you down, start the conversation by simply describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed: “You said you were going to have your room cleaned before dinner. It’s nine o’clock, and it’s still not done.”
Don’t play games; merely describe the gap. Describing what was expected versus what was observed is clear and simple, and it helps you get off on the right foot.
For the most part, this is how you’ll begin an accountability discussion. However, if you have reason to believe that the other person will feel threatened or intimidated or insulted by the mere mention of the violated promise, you’ll need to take steps to ensure that he or she feels safe — no matter the infraction.
As we noted earlier, we watched skilled individuals talk about incompetence, mistrust, and even embezzling, and the conversations, though not always pleasant, ended successfully. Then we watched less skilled individuals raise something as trivial as arriving five minutes late to a meeting, and the conversation degenerated into a shouting match.
As we tried to understand these apparent contradictions, we finally realized what was happening.
The Big Surprise
At the foundation of every successful accountability discussion lies safety. When others feel unsafe, you can’t talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything — even about failed promises.
Of course, the more controversial and touchy the issue is, the more challenging the conversation will be. Nevertheless, if you maintain a safe climate, others will hear and consider what you’re saying. They may not like it, but they’ll be able to absorb it. Make it safe for people, and they won’t need to go to silence or violence.
Let’s take a look at what it takes to create and maintain a safe climate, beyond simply describing the gap. Let’s examine how to open our mouths and talk about a violated expectation when we’re suspicious that the other person might become defensive or upset.
Watch for Signs That Safety Is at Risk
Let’s quickly review the basics of safety and then move to the task of making it safe, even when you’re dealing with a mammoth broken promise.
People feel unsafe when they believe one of two things:
1. You don’t respect them as human beings (you lack Mutual Respect).
2. You don’t care about their goals (you lack Mutual Purpose).
When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests, they will give you an amazing amount of leeway. They’ll let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old granddaughter can tell you you’re “fat” without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you and that her motives are pure. This, after all, is an innocent child. However, if what you say or how you say it causes others to conclude that you don’t respect them or that you have selfish and perverse motives, nothing you say will work. Here’s why.
As you talk to others about a gap in performance, a warning flag goes up in their minds. After all, this is a problem discussion. They immediately want to know one thing: Are they in trouble? Their boss, parent, loved one, or friend is bringing up an infraction, not inviting them to lunch. Are bad things going to happen? People assess their risk on the basis of two factors. Are bad things currently happening to them? Are bad things about to happen to them?
Mutual Respect
As you first describe the gap, if your tone of voice, facial expression, or words show disrespect, bad things are currently happening to the other person. You’re not respecting that person. You’re speaking in an uncivil tone. Your manner is discourteous. Your delivery is contemptuous. In short, you’ve held court in your head and found that person guilty, or so it feels to him or her.
Of course, this lack of respect is typically communicated subtly, not overtly. Sometimes it only takes a raised eyebrow. (On other occasions the word moron finds its way into the conversation.) In any case, the other person believes that you think he or she is incompetent, lazy, or worse. You have signaled that this conversation is going to end badly. After all, it’s certainly starting that way. It’s only natural that when others feel disrespected, they feel unsafe and resort to either silence or violence.
Mutual Purpose
Let’s look at safety problems that extend beyond the moment. If it becomes clear to others that your purpose is at odds with theirs, they’re likely to conclude that something bad is about to happen to them. You’re going to deal with an infraction, and if they’re harmed in the process, so be it. Your goal is to get what you want, and you aren’t even thinking about their goal. This doesn’t bode well for them. Even if you start the conversation respectfully, it’s only natural that if others feel that you are at cross-purposes, they’ll resort to silence or violence. They have to watch out for their interests.
At the very first sign of fear, you have to diagnose. Are others feeling disrespected? Or do they believe you’re at cross-purposes? Or both? Then you have to find a way to let others know that you respect them and that you’re not going to trample all over their wishes.
This can be hard to remember in the face of holding someone accountable. We typically care so much about the content of a conversation that we don’t think to watch for fear and restore safety. Nevertheless, it’s the only solution. We have to watch for signs that people are worried, stop saying what we’re saying, diagnose why people are fearful, step out of the original conversation, and then restore Mutual Respect, Mutual Purpose, or both. Here’s how to do that.