Maintain Mutual Respect
You’re about to suggest that the other person has violated an expectation, and this could easily imply that he or she was not motivated, was not able, or both; and nobody likes to be told that. And if the infraction is huge, say, infidelity or lying, isn’t the other person going to assume that you don’t respect him or her — almost by definition? What can you do to ensure that the other person doesn’t feel disrespected even though you’re about to talk about a high-stakes performance gap?
Remember to Tell the Rest of the Story
Obviously, everything we’ve talked about so far helps create safety. First, we avoid making others feel disrespected by not disrespecting them. If we see a problem, tell ourselves an ugly story, and then charge in with an accusation, the other person is going to feel disrespected. Even if we find others guilty in our heads and do our best to hide it, the verdict will show on our faces.
Show others respect by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Tell the rest of the story. Think of other people as rational, reasonable, and decent. This attitude eventually affects our demeanor, choice of words, and delivery and helps make the conversation safe for others. They can tell that even though we’ve spotted a potential problem, we’re speaking out of a position of respect.
Use Contrasting to Restore Mutual Respect
Sometimes thinking good thoughts is not enough. We’re pleasant as we begin to talk about a failed promise, but the other person hears the mention of a problem and immediately assumes that we do not respect him or her. A problem is a bad thing, the other person is connected to the problem, and therefore we must think he or she is bad. Despite our best efforts, others feel unsafe and go to silence or violence, and we haven’t even made it all the way through our first sentence.
Let’s add a skill to help us with our very first sentence. We’ll use it as a preemptive tool for stopping disrespect in its tracks. It’s called Contrasting. It’s the killer of the fundamental attribution error. Here’s how it works.
Before you start the conversation, anticipate how others might assume the worst. How might they feel disrespected? For instance, if you bring up a quality problem, the other person may believe that you think he or she is unskilled in general. If you address poor effort on a specific project, the other person may conclude that you believe he or she isn’t motivated or can’t be trusted, or perhaps you don’t like him or her or are about to take disciplinary action, and so on. You’ve noticed a problem, and the other person prepares for the worst before you can finish your thought.
To deal with these predictable misinterpretations, use Contrasting. First, imagine what others might erroneously conclude. Second, immediately explain that this is what you don’t mean. Third, as a Contrasting point, explain what you do mean. The important part is the “don’t” portion. It addresses misunderstandings that could put safety at risk. Once safety is protected or reestablished, the “do” part of the statement clarifies your real meaning or intent. Here’s what Contrasting sounds like when it is used up front to avoid feelings of disrespect:
“I don’t want you to think I’m unhappy with how we work together. Overall I’m very satisfied. I just want to talk about how we make decisions together.”
“I’m not saying that it was wrong of you to disagree with me in the meeting. We need to hear everyone’s view if we want to make the best choice. It’s just that I think the team heard your tone and words as attacking.”
“I know you tried your best to improve your grades. I’m satisfied with your effort. Please don’t hear me as being less than proud of your progress. I’d just like to share a few study ideas that might help you maintain your grades more easily.”
Contrasting plays a huge role in initially describing broken promises. The bigger the problem is, the more likely it is that the other person is going to feel disrespected. Consequently, many discussions of broken promises and bad behavior start with a preventive Contrasting statement. In fact, this is the skill that people are typically looking for when they pick up a book that deals with missed expectations, because it answers the question “How do I get the conversation started?”
If you suspect that the other person is going to feel offended or defensive, prepare the ground by explaining what you don’t and do mean.
Of course, you can also use Contrasting in the middle of a conversation when you suddenly become aware that the other person is feeling disrespected. You didn’t anticipate the reaction, but sure enough, he or she has found a way to feel disrespected:
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to imply that you were doing it on purpose. I believe you were unaware of the impact you were having. That’s why I wanted to bring it up in the first place.”
Establish Mutual Purpose
When an accountability discussion turns ugly, with greater intensity and speed than you ever imagined it could, it’s usually because others misunderstand not your content but your intent. You’re speaking respectfully. That part you got right. You merely want to deal with the performance gap in a way that keeps the relationship on solid footing. Unfortunately, the people you’re talking to think differently. They believe that the only reason you’re bringing up the infraction is that you’re out to humiliate them, make them do something they don’t want to do, overthrow their authority, or otherwise cause them pain and sorrow. They believe that bad things are about to happen to them. Once again, mental math comes into play.
Of course, once others allow vicious stories about your intent to romp freely inside their brains, they become angry, defensive, and emotionally charged. Blood rushes to their arms and legs so that they can be better equipped for the fight-or-flight reaction their bodies have been genetically designed for.
Within seconds they’re on their worst brain-starved behavior. Once this chemical transformation happens, there’s a good chance you’ll never get back on track. Anything you say carries with it the stench of evil intentions. And of course, since they are now dumbed down by adrenaline, their logical processes take a vacation, and nothing you say really matters.
You can’t let this happen. If you think others are likely to harbor bad thoughts about your intentions before you’ve even said a word, take a second preventive measure: establish Mutual Purpose.
Build common ground before you even mention a problem. Let others know that your intentions are pure — that your goal is to solve a performance gap and make things better for both of you. Start with what’s important to you and them — not just you. Establish Mutual Purpose.
Here’s an example:
“If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend a couple of minutes talking about how we made that last decision. My goal is to come up with a method we’re both comfortable with.”
“I’d like to give you some feedback that I think would help you be more productive with your meetings.[Add Contrasting.] I don’t think this is a huge problem, but I do think that if you were to make a couple of small changes, things would run a lot more smoothly.”
Note: If your sole purpose is to make your life better while possibly making the other person’s life worse, who can blame others for becoming defensive? If there is a short-term cost associated with the change you’re calling for (and there usually is), think about how everyone will benefit over the long haul and then establish Mutual Purpose. For example: