When we share our harsh stories, others now know what we have concluded, but they don’t know what they have done. They can only guess at what we’re talking about. This strategy can be unclear, inaccurate, and costly.
Start with Facts
As a general rule, when you are sharing your path, it’s best to start with the facts: what you saw and heard. Don’t lead with your stories. If you do, people are likely to become defensive. Instead, describe what the person did.
• Stay external. Describe what’s happening outside your head (“You cut the person off in midsentence”) as opposed to what’s happening inside your head (“You’re rude”).
• Explain what, not why. Facts tell us what’s going on (“You spoke so quietly, it was hard to hear”). Conclusions tell us why we think it’s going on (“You’re afraid”).
• Gather facts. If others complain to you about their friends and coworkers, they’re likely to tell stories and leave out the facts: “He’s arrogant.” “She’s unreliable.” “Their team is selfish.” When this happens, probe for details. Ask them to share what they actually heard and saw.
Even when it comes to our own thinking, it’s often difficult to remember the original facts. Most of us have an experience (“You spoke nonstop about yourself and didn’t ask me a single question”), tell a story (“You’re egotistical”), generate a feeling (“I don’t like being around you”), and then forget the original experience. In some cases we may not even be aware of the other person’s subtle action that led to the feeling. Thus, we end up walking around with feelings and stories but are incapable of holding a successful accountability discussion because we lack the facts required to help others understand what we’re thinking.
Gathering the Facts Is the Homework Required for Holding an Accountability Discussion
Here’s the bottom line. Every time you share a vague and possibly inflammatory story instead of a fact, you’re betting that the other person won’t become defensive and can translate what you’re thinking into what he or she did. That’s a bad bet. Share the facts. Describe the observable details of what’s happening. Cut out the guesswork.
Tentatively Share Your Story
As we suggested earlier, sometimes a person’s behavior can be moderately annoying, and maybe that individual has even broken a promise, but what really has you distressed is the fact that you believe that his or her intent is less than noble. You’re trying not to make the fundamental attribution error, but facts are starting to pile up, and it’s hard to keep assuming the best. Keeping an open mind is one thing; being naive is another.
Remember the realtor who was upset at an employee not just because she was routinely late but because the realtor figured she was taking advantage of their friendship? We suggested that this was the right problem to discuss or at least the correct starting point. But how do you merely discuss the facts when it’s your story you want to talk about?
You don’t. You share your story as well. Of course, you don’t start there, but you don’t walk away from your story either. Start with the facts because they’re the least emotional and controversial element of the conversation and then tentatively share your story or conclusion. Make sure your language is free of absolutes. Trade “You said” for “I thought we agreed.” Swap “It’s clear” for “I was wondering if.” Here’s what this might sound like:
“Martha, I was wondering if we could talk about something that has me bothered. I’m not sure I’m correct in my thinking, so I thought I’d better check with you.”
“Sure, what’s the deal?”
“I’ve talked to you four different times about coming into work between 20 and 30 minutes late, and I’m beginning.…”
“Like I told you, it’s not always easy to make it on time.”
“I’m beginning to wonder if the fact that we’re friends and neighbors isn’t getting in the way.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, since we’re friends, it feels to me like you’re coming in late, knowing full well that it could be hard for me to hold you accountable. Do I have this right, or am I missing something here?”
Your conclusion could be dead wrong, but it is your conclusion that’s starting to eat at you, and now you’ve done your best to make it safe to talk about it. By taking the attitude that you could be wrong and using tentative language, you’re being fair.
Continually Watch for Safety Problems Warning:
Once you start to tell your story, no matter how tentative you are, there’s a chance the other person will become defensive. If, for example, you believe your teenage son has stolen money from you, regardless of how tentative you are, you’re likely to experience something like this:
YOU: Given that you’re the only one who’s been in the house in the last four hours and $200 is missing out of my wallet, it’s hard for me not to wonder if you took it.
SON: I can’t believe you’re calling me a thief! (Stomps out of room and slams door.)
To handle this level of defensiveness, first, recognize it for what it is: a threat to safety. The problem is not that the other person can’t handle the content you’re offering; it’s that he or she doesn’t feel safe with you discussing it. When you realize that the problem is one of safety, you’ll do the right thing: step out of the content and rebuild safety. Decide whether the problem is that the other person feels disrespected or believes your intentions are bad (or both). Then use the Contrasting skill we described earlier to relieve that person’s mind.
YOU: I’m not calling you a thief. I am trying to come up with explanations for what just happened. Can you see how I would wonder given the facts I just described? My intention here is not to accuse you but to find out what is really going on so I can solve this problem. Can we talk about it?
If you start to share your story and the other person becomes defensive, take away his or her fear. Step out of the content and restore safety.
End with a Question
You started the accountability discussion by doing your best to make it safe. You then shared your path in a way that continued to maintain safety. Now it’s time to bring your opening paragraph to a close, still maintaining safety. End with a simple diagnostic question: What happened? Make this an honest inquiry, not a veiled threat or an accusation such as “What’s wrong with you!”
As you finish off your description of the failed expectation, your goal should be to hear the other person’s point of view. If you’ve started with safety and presented detailed facts, the person responsible for the infraction should understand what the problem is and feel comfortable talking about the underlying cause and the eventual solution.
Don’t underestimate the importance of this sincere question. This is a pivotal moment in the conversation, one that will sustain the safety you’ve created. If you sincerely want to hear the other person’s point of view, you let him or her know that this is a dialogue, not a monologue. You help the other person understand that your goal is not to be right or to punish but to solve a problem and that all the information must be out in the open for that to occur. So end your opening statement with a sincere invitation for the other person to share even completely contrary opinions with you.