Finally, as the other person answers the question “What happened?” listen carefully.
Diagnose the root of the problem — which of the six sources of influence is at play? Is the person unmotivated? Is he or she unable? The solution to each alternative is quite different. You don’t want to try to motivate people who can’t do what you’ve asked, or enable people who don’t care. We’ll look at ways to deal with each of these problems in the next two chapters. For now, remember to listen for the underlying cause.
Avoid Groundhog Day
Let’s return to an element we referred to earlier. It’s an important enough issue that it deserves special and repeated attention. As you confront other people, they’re likely to want to reduce a performance gap to its simplest form, one that avoids most of what’s actually going on and sidesteps the lion’s share of accountability. They want to keep treating the problem, no matter how devilishly recurring, as if it were the first instance.
For example, a salesperson who reports to you has a history of promising discounts that cut too deeply into your profits. In short, she sells out profits to earn her commission. Last week you talked to her about this practice, and she agreed to follow the pricing guidelines. Five minutes ago you overheard her deep-discounting again. You step up to the problem:
“Louise, I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t sell the product below the standard pricing formula. I just overheard you promising a price that was clearly out of bounds. Did I miss something?”
Louise explains that she really needed this commission and was hoping that you would understand. Now what?
Moment of Truth
You’re now at a critical juncture. You have two problems, not one: (1) the price violation, or the content of the problem, and (2) a whole new problem: she didn’t live up to her commitment to you. Many people miss this important difference. Unfortunately, if you talk only about the price formula, you’re forced to relive the same problem. Savvy problem solvers know better. As new violations emerge, they step up to them:
“Let’s see if I understand. You agreed not to cut prices, but you wanted the commission, so you did so anyway. Is that right?”
This follow-on statement leads to a very different discussion. Instead of talking only about pricing, you’re now talking about failing to live up to a commitment. That is a far bigger issue.
Two Examples
To see how the skills we’ve covered work, here are a couple of examples of how they all come together. We’ll start with a simple example: A person who reports to you fails to show up at an important meeting, and you don’t think he missed it on purpose. You have told yourself no story. You invite him into your office, safely describe the gap, and end with a question.
“Chris, I noticed that you missed the meeting you had agreed to attend. I was wondering what happened. Did you run into a problem of some kind?”
And there you have it: a simple paragraph. You haven’t held court. You don’t have a story to tell. You take the other person to a private setting, describe the facts (what was expected versus what was observed), and end with a question. And now you’re listening to diagnose the underlying cause.
Let’s examine a tougher problem. You’re talking to your boss about what’s been happening in meetings. You think he or she may become defensive, so you start by creating safety. You establish Mutual Purpose and use Contrasting.
YOU: I’ve noticed myself withdrawing in the last couple of meetings. I know it bugs you when I don’t take the initiative, so I’ve thought about why I’m not doing that. Some of the things, I’ve realized, have to do with how you lead our meetings. I don’t want to be presumptuous or tell you how to run meetings, but I believe that if I could discuss this with you, it might help me perform better and would make the climate better for me too. Would that be okay?
BOSS: Okay, what’s bugging you?
Since you have told yourself a story about what your boss is doing, you share your path, starting with the facts and then tentatively sharing your conclusion.
YOU: Well, a couple of times in the meeting today when I’d start a comment, you’d raise your hand toward me and then start speaking before I’d finished. I don’t know if this is how you mean that, but to me it feels like you think my idea is stupid and it’s a way of shutting me down.
BOSS: Yeah, I guess I did do that, but you know, I just don’t want to pussyfoot around when I disagree with something. Do I have to?
The boss is feeling defensive, and so you step out of the content and build safety.
YOU: I don’t want you to feel like you have to pull punches with me at all. All I’m asking for is that you tell me you disagree in a way that doesn’t also sound like you don’t think I’m competent. [Contrast.] Is there something I’m doing in the meeting that is irritating you? Or am I not performing up to par and you have concerns about me? [End with a question.]
CHAPTER SUMMARY
Describe the Gap
We’ve finished working on ourselves and are now speaking for the first time. Our overall goal is to create and maintain safety. Rather than leading with unhealthy conclusions or making accusations (both make it unsafe for the other person), we simply describe the gap. That is, we share our view of what we expected as well as what we actually observed.
We often refer to such breaches as “violated expectations,” or “broken commitments.” To avoid the harsh conclusions that typically accompany words such as violated, or broken, we’ve chosen the more neutral term: gap.
When we think of a disappointment as a gap or difference rather than a purposeful violation, we’re likely to enter the conversation feeling curious as opposed to feeling disappointed or even angry. By first viewing and then explaining the differences between what was expected and what was observed, we turn the “hazardous half-minute” into a description of the facts (rather than a verbal assault) and show a willingness to learn (rather than a burning desire to accuse). By focusing on the gap, we transform the “hazardous half-minute” into a solid start.
Once we’ve described the gap, we listen carefully to see which branch of the model we’ll pursue. Is the problem due to motivation, ability, or both?
• In this chapter we explored the first words out of our mouth. Our goal has been to make it safer to deal with problems by mastering the critical first moments of an accountability discussion. We’ve suggested the following:
Start with safety.
Share your path.
End with a question.
• We’ve written a lot about a little. You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.
Author Video: David Maxfield in “The Law of the Hog”
To watch this and other videos, visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources.
What’s Next?
The other person is about to explain why he or she let you down. This means that you have to know what to do if the other person isn’t motivated or isn’t able or maybe both. This will take more than a well-crafted sentence or two.
4
Make It Motivating
How to Help Others Want to Take Action
Here’s my theory of motivation: If you grab someone by the ear and take off running, their body generally follows.