Partner with People in Authority
If you’re in a situation in which you don’t know the person’s total history and details, explain why the action was wrong, state that you’re going to move to discipline, and say that you’ll get back to him or her later. Then check with specialists to learn what the actual steps should be. Otherwise you may suggest that you’re going to send the person home without pay and then find out that he or she was only due for a warning. You’ll have to eat your words. The home version of this should be obvious: parents must be unified in their actions.
Be Appropriately Somber
Discipline isn’t something you impose with a sense of pleasure regardless of what the other person may have done. Keep the tone serious and speak about what has to be done, not what you now get to do. This is not a time for a smug in-your-face celebration. You’re moving from leading or partnering to policing, and that’s hardly a victory.
Explain the Next Step
As you explain what will happen as a result of the infraction, cover what will happen if the person does the same thing again. Explaining the next level of consequences informs and motivates. It also helps eliminate surprises: “Nobody said I was going to be fired!”
Be Consistent
Don’t play favorites. If you’re working with an employee who gives you fits at every turn, you can’t discipline that person for something you wouldn’t discipline everyone for simply as a means of getting even. When discipline falls under review, the first thing third parties examine is equity. Did the person get fair treatment? Don’t single people out.
Don’t Back Off Under Pressure
Once you’ve started the process, stick to it. Follow the steps and don’t be dissuaded simply because the person puts up a fight. If discipline is called for, stay the course. If you waffle, you’ll gain a reputation for making hollow threats.
When Power Fails, Be Candid About Coping
Let’s look at one final issue. What if you’ve explained the natural consequences associated with an action but others still aren’t motivated and you can’t or shouldn’t impose consequences to increase their motivation? Let’s say your boss realizes he should stop yelling at you and others but says the following: “I know it’s wrong, I know it frustrates people, but I’m high-strung and under a lot of pressure, and it’s just going to happen sometimes!” Now what? You’re not likely to impose consequences on your boss.
Or let’s say your business partner has been unreliable in getting assignments in on time, and after a lengthy discussion you still believe it’s likely she’ll get them in late. What do you do?
Agree on a Work-Around
When you’ve decided not to administer discipline as a way of compelling someone to change his or her actions, develop a coping strategy and then candidly share it. That way, as the other person observes and experiences the consequences of the work-around, he or she can choose to act differently to avoid the pain, waste, and inefficiency you’ve talked about.
For instance, from this point on you will not give your unreliable partner “critical-path” assignments. She may not be happy about this choice because she wants to be involved with the hottest assignments. Nevertheless, at least she understands why you’re doing what you’re doing.
With an emotionally explosive boss who refuses to change, you might suggest that when he blows off steam, you’ll eventually withdraw, allow time for him to calm down, and then return for a healthier and more complete discussion. You might also share that you are likely to be reluctant to challenge some of his more vigorous arguments. You’ll do your best to be candid, but his defensive actions will continue to make that difficult for you. By being candid about your coping strategy, you empower your boss to choose whether he wants this consequence bundle.
This point is so important that we want to expand it a bit. For people to behave badly over the long haul, we have to do two things. First, we have to avoid accountability discussions. By doing that, we avoid helping others see the consequences of their behavior. If we don’t alter their expectations, why should they change what they do? Second, we create a work-around that enables others to continue doing what they’re doing, unaware and guilt free. For example, our boss never returns calls, and so we secretly assign someone to do it for her. A doctor is incompetent, and so we discreetly schedule complicated surgeries for when he’s off shift. Our dad is grumpy and abusive, and so we buy him his own wide-screen TV and build him a den.
The reason others aren’t motivated to change is often because of us. We’re conspirators. Either we misuse power and mobilize others’ resistance, or we withhold honest feedback and then take great pains to create clever and secret work-arounds that continue to keep others blind to the consequences they’re causing.
Even if you don’t have the power to impose your will on an unwilling person, you can avoid being part of the problem by being candid about your coping strategy.
Let’s assume you’ve been able to make it motivating. You jointly discussed consequences, you chose not to back off, and the other person has agreed to comply. The conversation is winding down. But you’re not through. You have to do one more thing to ensure that you haven’t wasted your time. Coming to an agreement is one thing; deciding what’s going to happen from this point on requires one more step.
As you wrap up the conversation, make a plan. Decide who will do what and by when. Then set a follow-up time in which you can check to see how things are going. (We’ll examine how to do this in Chapter 7.)
Let’s take a look at how discussing natural consequences applies to a difficult example.
He Hates My Kids
This is both Gary and Kali’s second marriage. She has two children from her previous marriage, ages 15 and 20. When Kali and Gary first met, he was very interested in her children. They’ve now been married four years, and his interest is waning. In fact, he’s almost always surly with them and has taken to calling them names. They feel like strangers in the house, and Kali is beginning to think she’ll have to choose between Gary and her children.
What makes this problem particularly hard to solve is the fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it. When Kali tries to discuss their relationship, he accuses her of being unreasonable and storms out of the room. What can she say? One thing is for certain — the first few seconds will be critical. Kali has about 30 seconds to do two things: she has to help Gary want to talk to her, and she has to make it safe so that he’ll talk to her constructively. Let’s watch her in action. Gary is doing e-mail in the den alone. The kids aren’t around, and so they’re likely to have an hour or so without interruptions.
KALI: “I think the kids and I are making life unpleasant for you. It appears to be getting worse and not better.” (Make it safe: She maintains respect and clarifies her purpose.)
“I want to find an hour when we can discuss this. And I believe that if we do, we could get back some of the feeling we shared until about a year ago.” (She provides more safety and Mutual Purpose.)
“If we don’t talk, I don’t think we’ll be able to continue in the same way.” (She makes the invisible visible, sharing natural consequences that Gary cares about.)