GARY: “Is that a threat?” (He mistakes her last statement as emotional blackmail.)
KALI: “No, and I’m sorry if it sounded like one. I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you. I just want us to be able to talk openly about something I’m really concerned about.” (She steps out of the content and restores safety using Contrasting.)
“Let’s face it, you and I haven’t felt affectionate toward each other in months. I think it’s been bad for both of us. I think the problems are solvable, but not if we can’t talk about them.” (She shares natural consequences, links to existing values, takes the focus off short-term pain — a conversation — and focuses on long-term benefits.)
“The conversation doesn’t have to happen now, but I believe it must happen or the things that are wrong are just going to get worse. I fear that’s likely to end with us feeling like we’d be happier apart than together.” (She connects short-term benefits — avoiding the conversation — with long-term pain.)
“I hate that thought.” (She steps out of content and makes sure he doesn’t mistake the natural consequence for a threat.)
GARY: “Okay, I’ll try. But if this turns into you telling me how I can’t expect the kids to obey any rules and I just have to put up with their trashing the house, I’m gone.” (He’s moving to violence — making threats — because he doesn’t feel safe. He still suspects this will be a blaming conversation with him as the target. Kali recognizes the lack of safety and avoids reacting to his threat. Instead, she increases safety.)
KALI: “I know I’ve been doing a lot of that. And I’m sorry. I’ve been very defensive about the kids lately, and that’s come out as me blaming you and not listening to your concerns. I think if we can talk about all of this, we can work together better. Is now a good time?”
GARY: “It’s as good as any, I guess. Where do we start?”
Make It Motivating
We’ve carefully described the gap and are now listening to see if the problem is due to motivation or ability. In this chapter, we examined the motivational side of the model.
When the other person isn’t motivated, it’s our job to make the right behavior motivating.
• Consequences motivate. Motivation isn’t something you do to someone. People already want to do things. They’re motivated by the consequences they anticipate. And since any action leads to a variety of consequences, people act on the basis of the overall consequence bundle.
• Explore natural consequences. Begin by explaining natural consequences. Within a business context, this typically includes what’s happening to stakeholders. Stakeholders include other employees, customers, shareowners, communities, and regulatory agencies.
• Match method to circumstances. When people simply want to know, explain both what needs to be done and why. When dealing with someone who is pushing back, resist the temptation to jump to power. Search for consequences that matter to the other person.
• Finish well. Finally, wrap up the conversation by determining who does what and by when. Then set a follow-up time.
Additional Resources
Struggling to “make it motivating”? Refer to Appendix C, “When Thing Go Right,” for tips on motivating with praise. Also, visit http://www.vitalsmarts.com/bookresources and learn how you can submit your specific questions to the authors of Crucial Accountability.
What’s Next?
Let’s expand our skills to include the other half of our Six-Source Model. Let’s learn what to do when the other person is motivated but unable to act.
5
Make It Easy
How to Make Keeping Commitments (Almost) Painless
Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
— CONFUCIUS
It’s time to move to the ability side of our model. We’ll start with an example. Kyle, a political analyst who works for you, was supposed to write a position paper for an upcoming debate and have it on your desk by noon, but he didn’t. You call him in for a private discussion and describe the gap. He lets you know that he really wanted to do what he promised and says that it wasn’t his fault that he didn’t. The specialist who conducts the statistical analysis was hospitalized with a burst appendix, and she’s the only one who understands the data.
In any case, Kyle was prevented from doing what he agreed to do. And then he did exactly the right thing: He immediately called to let you know about the problem, but you were in a meeting across town. He left a message on your voice mail and then tried to track you down. In short, he wasn’t able to meet his commitment and did his best to let you know. This was definitely not a motivation problem.
Having just read the last chapter, you decide it would be a good idea to tell Kyle about the natural consequences of missing the deadline. You figure that he needs to know, so you share:
“Let me tell you something. If people ask the wrong questions at the debate, we’re going to look like a bunch of dopes because we don’t have the position paper.”
Kyle turns ashen, mumbles something about tracking down the specialist, and dashes off like a scared rabbit.
“Now he’s really motivated!” you think to yourself.
We hope you wouldn’t actually do this. Being the steely-eyed smart person you are, you would note that Kyle was motivated to do the job. Piling on more reasons for doing something he wasn’t able to do in the first place would be the wrong cure. Indeed, it would be cruel. Kyle needs help removing the barriers he’s facing, not a kick in the pants, and so that’s where we’ll turn. What does it take to help others remove any and all barriers they face? Better still, what can we do to make it easy, even painless, for others to complete their assignments?
Motivation and Ability Are Inextricably Linked
To learn how to enable others, let’s start by examining two of the more subtle aspects of motivation and ability. First, motivation and ability are linked at the hip. They aren’t separate entities. More often than not, they blend into one another. Here’s why. If something is hard to do — perhaps noxious and boring — it’s demotivating. Who really wants to muck out a horse stall? Or fill out expense reports? Or write a term paper?
Here’s our first question: If a job is difficult or revolting or tedious, does this constitute an ability problem or a motivation problem? The person is not able to do the task, at least not easily, and as a result is not motivated to do it. What are we looking at here?
By the purest definition, if individuals can do a job but are not doing it, it’s because they aren’t motivated. The metaphorical test that people often apply to this question is “If you held a gun to their head, could they do it?” If the answer is yes, they’re able but unmotivated.
This simplistic yet violent test doesn’t serve us well. If a job is truly impossible, it’s a clear-cut ability problem. That’s an easy call. For instance, Kyle tried his best to finish his project but was prevented from finishing on time. This had nothing to do with motivation. However, if a task is difficult, disgusting, or dreary, we need to think of the problem in a more complex way. It’s not pure ability. It is a composite problem with both motivational and capability components.