Start by asking other people for their ideas. They’re closest to the problem; start with their best thinking.
When we first trained people to deal with ability problems, it all seemed so simple. You ask others for their ideas, you get to hear their best thoughts, and they’re empowered. What could be easier? Who could possibly mess this up? As it turns out, there are several ways to go wrong. Here are the top three tactics to avoid.
Don’t Bias the Response
As we trained people with these materials over the years, many participants would try to involve the others in resolving an ability problem in the following way:
“So you haven’t been able to get in touch with the lawyers. Here’s an idea: drive over to their office and wait until they return. What do you think?”
People who choose this tactic understand only half of the concept of empowerment. As long as they give the other person a chance to disagree, they feel okay.
Unfortunately, when you’re speaking from a power base, offering up your idea first and then asking for the other person’s approval misses the mark. You’re likely to bias the other person. First, you’re filling his or her head with your idea, and this can cut off new thinking. Second, you may inadvertently be sending the message that your idea is what you really want, and so others are not about to disagree with you.
In the example just mentioned, the person is likely to say, “Perfect, I’ll drive across town.”
Ask other people for their thoughts; wait for them to share their best ideas, and then, if it is still necessary, chime in with your thoughts. For example, when you are speaking to your teenage son about not clearing two feet of snow from your driveway, he explains that the gas-powered snow thrower is jammed.
You ask, “What will it take to fix it?” You have an idea but wait to hear what he has to say. He explains that he ran over the Sunday paper and the machine ate it, and now its throat is jammed. From there he explains what it’ll take to clear it, what he’s doing, and how long it’ll take. You offer an idea about a better tool and a way to use it, and together you come up with a plan for what he’ll do.
Don’t Pretend to Involve Others
This mistake in involving other people in solving an ability barrier is propelled by two forces. First, you already have an idea and would prefer to implement it without involving others. Second, you believe that you now have to involve others because it’s the politically correct thing to do. Here’s what you come up with: you simply pretend to involve others by asking for their ideas, after which you subtly manipulate them to come around to your way of thinking.
As you might suspect, this technique comes off as glaringly manipulative. It looks more like sending a rat through a maze and periodically throwing it a pellet for making the correct turn than like engaging in a legitimate effort to involve another human being in removing an ability barrier. Here is an example:
“What do you think it’ll take to get these things out on time?” you ask.
“How about if we put more people on the job?” (You grimace and shake your head.)
“I guess I could work overtime myself.” (This time you frown deeply.)
“I don’t know. What if I leave out a few steps along the way?”
“What did you have in mind?” you inquire.
“We don’t have to shrink-wrap the materials. That’ll save a couple of hours.”
“No, not that. Maybe the paperwork.”
“I could leave out the billing until …”
“I was thinking of different paperwork,” you hint. “How about the environmental reports?”
“I love your idea. Delay the environmental stuff, and oh yeah, thanks for coming up with the perfect solution.”
People laugh when they watch a video of this script because this kind of thing happens all the time. Some parents practically have a doctorate in this technique:
“What would you like to have for dinner?” Mom asks.
“Mac and cheese!” the kids shout.
“I was thinking of something with more green in it.”
“Really old mac and cheese.”
“Funny. How about something with vegetables?” Mom continues.
“Mac and cheese with green beans.”
“Nope,” Mom says with a frown. “Too starchy.” And the endless search for what Mom really has in mind continues.
The problem with these interactions is not that the person in authority had an opinion. These people do have opinions, and they’re certainly allowed to share them or even give a unilateral command. That’s not the problem. The problem comes when this person attempts to pass off his or her opinions as an involvement opportunity. The sham ends up looking like a game of “read my mind” and is quite insulting.
Involve others in solving ability blocks only if you’re willing to listen to their suggestions.
Don’t Feel the Need to Have All the Answers
This mistake is the product of low confidence and a bad idea. Newly appointed leaders are often unwilling to ask their direct reports for their thoughts because these leaders believe that if they don’t appear to know everything about the job, they’ll look incompetent. In their view, asking for ideas isn’t a smart tactic; it’s a sign of weakness. When they are facing an employee with an ability problem, the newly appointed do their best to share their insights. The last thing they want to do is query an employee who not only reports to them but obviously needs help.
Of all the bad ideas circulating the grapevine, pretending that leaders must know everything is among the most ridiculous and harmful. Leaders earn their keep, not by knowing everything, but by knowing how to bring together the right combination of people (most of whom know a great deal more about certain topics than the leader will ever know) and propel them toward common objectives.
Confident leaders are very comfortable saying, “It beats me. Does anyone know the answer to that?” or “I don’t know, but I can find out.”
A couple’s version of not involving others takes an interesting turn. We’re often unwilling to approach a loved one with a high-stakes problem until we’ve come up with the exact solution we want. The uncertainty of approaching a conversation without a bulletproof plan can be terrifying. What if we can’t fix it all? What if there is no answer? What if our partner comes up with a really stupid answer? Thus, we think up everything in advance, precluding the other person’s genuine involvement.
Completing the conversation in one’s head — before one actually speaks — nullifies the whole purpose of an accountability discussion. The idea should be jointly to create shared solutions that serve your Mutual Purpose. If you feel compelled to prefabricate answers, consider this: you don’t have to make it all better. All you have to do is collaborate. As you develop shared solutions, well-handled accountability discussions become the glue of your relationship; they help you face and conquer common enemies. Don’t exclude your partner by developing a plan before you’ve even opened the conversation.
Parents struggle with the same issue. Should they hold true to the adage “Never let them see you sweat”? Obviously, kids need to know that adults are confident and in charge. They feel secure believing that grown-ups know what to do. So whatever you do, don’t ask them for their ideas. It’ll freak them out. Still, wouldn’t it be better if children learned early on that their parents may be trying their best but don’t always know everything?