Make It Easy
We’ve carefully described the gap and are now listening to see if the problem is due to motivation or ability. In this chapter, we examined the ability side of the model. When the other person isn’t able, it’s our job to make it easy.
• When facing ability barriers, make impossible tasks possible and nasty tasks less nasty. In short, when others face ability barriers, make it easy.
• Jointly explore root causes. Take care to avoid jumping in with your own solutions. Empower others by allowing them to take part in diagnosing the real cause and coming up with workable solutions. Ask others for their ideas. Remember the all-important question “What do you think it’ll take?”
• When others can’t identify all the causes, jointly explore the underlying forces — include personal, social, and structural factors. Remember the model. When necessary, stimulate the brainstorming process by including your own view of what some of the barriers may be.
• Once you’re finished with surfacing and resolving ability barriers, check both sides. See if others are willing to do what’s required once you’ve taken steps to enable them. Just because they can do something, doesn’t mean they’re willing.
What’s Next?
Now it’s time to move on to the next problem. What happens if you’re in the middle of an accountability discussion and a whole new infraction emerges? Do you dare deal with it? Do you dare not? How can you stay both focused and flexible?
6
Stay Focused and Flexible
What to Do When Others Get Sidetracked, Scream, or Sulk
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles, the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
— SENATOR EVERETT DIRKSEN
Up to this point we’ve created a map showing how to master an accountability discussion. It’s intended to describe key principles and skills, not fixed roads laid down on an unmovable terrain. This means that the principles and skills have to be woven into a workable script on the spot, as the conversation unfolds.
This on-the-spot creativity calls for an enormous amount of flexibility. After we describe the gap, we have to diagnose what’s happening. Are people failing to come through because of a motivation problem, or is it ability? Otherwise, we’re likely to charge in blindly and apply the wrong prefabricated fix: “I can’t believe that you came to our biggest meeting of the year a full 30 minutes late. … Oh, your mom’s funeral, huh?”
That was awkward.
It gets worse. Not only do we have to work unrehearsed and on the fly, but we have to be flexible enough to deal with new problems as they seem to appear out of nowhere. You’re talking about problem X, and problem Y emerges right there on the spot.
For instance, you’re talking to a coworker about doing his fair share of the workload, and he becomes angry. You’re chatting with your daughter about failing to practice the piano, and she lies to you. You’re talking to an employee about missing a deadline, and he becomes insubordinate. You’re talking to your unemployed husband about actively looking for work, and he tries to divert you from the problem by playing the martyr. Your head accountant clams up when you ask her why the end-of-month reports aren’t ready. Then she gets angry. All these situations present you with new, emergent problems.
As new problems emerge, we have to be focused enough not to get sidetracked. We can’t let every breeze blow us in a different direction. By the same token, we have to be flexible enough to step away from the current issue and deal with the new problems on the spot if necessary.
When a brand-new problem with a life of its own comes up in the middle of an accountability discussion, we have to make a decision. Do we step away from the current infraction (putting a bookmark in place so that we can get back to it later) and address the new problem? Or do we stay the course? This takes us back to the issue we addressed in Chapter 1: What is the right conversation? Now we’re introducing the idea that the right conversation can change before your eyes.
The answer to this new if question is simple. If the new, emergent problem is more serious, time sensitive, or emotional than the original one or if it’s important to the other person, you have to deal with it right there, on the spot. You can’t allow the new and more important issue to be at the mercy of the original violation.
For example, you can’t have your daughter lying to you. Lying is worse than missing practice. You can’t allow an employee to become insubordinate. If you don’t say something right away, you undermine your credibility. You can’t allow a person to fume and boil and pretend nothing is happening. It’ll only get worse.
The good news is that if you choose to move to the new and emergent topic, all the skills we’ve looked at so far are applicable. Of course, if you decide to deal with the new problem, you need to do so in a focused way. Don’t be tricked into getting sidetracked and don’t drift aimlessly from topic to topic. Carefully transition when you change your focus. In short, as new and emergent problems surface, do the following:
• Be flexible:
Note new problems.
Select the right problem: the original problem, the new one, or both.
Resolve the new problem and return to the original issue.
• Be focused:
Deal with problems one at a time.
Consciously choose to deal with new issues; don’t allow them to be forced upon you.
To see how this works, let’s look at four different categories of new problems: there is a loss of safety, there is a loss of trust, a completely different issue becomes a problem, and explosive emotions take over. Each category requires the same basic skills, but each is different enough that it deserves careful and separate attention.
People Feel Unsafe
This is the most common emergent problem, and we talked about it earlier. You’re discussing a failed promise, and the other person becomes frightened and starts to pull away from the discussion or push too hard. Either response brings a healthy conversation to a screeching halt. Fear, and the resulting silence or violence, is the emergent problem.
If you don’t step out of the existing conversation and establish safety, you’re never going to resolve the issue at hand. So that’s what you do. You step out, create safety, and step back in. In this case you don’t need to acknowledge a change in topic because you aren’t changing topics. You’re simply dealing with the real problem, which is not the topic itself but the fact that the other person feels unsafe discussing it.
To restore safety, you point to your shared purpose. You assure the other person that you care about what he or she cares about. You use Contrasting to clarify the misunderstanding. You apologize when necessary. You make it safe. If you don’t, you’ll never be able to resolve the original issue.
For example, you’re talking to a coworker about not helping you out on a boring job. She agreed to lend a hand, but she took a phone call and then disappeared until you finished the noxious task. You describe the problem, tentatively sharing your path. You wonder if she purposely left and didn’t return until she knew that the dreadful job had been done. She immediately becomes offended, averts her eyes, and says in a hurt tone, “Are you saying I’m not a good friend? That I take advantage of you? Is that what you think of me?”