You explained how these few words, when honored, bring predictability into a turbulent world. You spoke eloquently about how this simple phrase emphasizes the importance of both the need for flexibility and the need for predictability. You talked about how it forms the very foundation of trust. And finally, when you first talked with your direct report about attending the computer class, you ended by reaffirming your stance. You said, “By the way, if something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.” And you meant it.
So what do you say to the fellow who thinks that as long as Omar in payroll asked him to do something important, he has been liberated from his original promise? What is the right conversation to have? The problem isn’t that he didn’t attend the class (that is a problem but not the problem); the problem is that he saw what he thought called for a change in the plan and changed it. Not only did he make the choice on his own, but he didn’t have the courtesy to call you. He left you completely out of the decision. That’s a trust problem.
Guess what: if you talk about the training issue and not about the trust problem, you’ll walk away dissatisfied and trusting the person even less, and you won’t even realize that you’ve had the wrong conversation. Of course, if you do talk about mistrust, the consequences of violating one’s word must be severe. You no longer know if the other person will honor his word. Predictability is shaky. You may have to monitor him more closely. You may have to follow up more frequently. You don’t want to do this, and he’s not going to like it. This is the new problem, and these are some of the attendant consequences.
Create a Bedrock of Trust
To establish a climate in which accountability discussions are built on a bedrock of trust, stay focused. Set clear and firm expectations. Stay flexible. End by stating, “If something comes up, let me know as soon as you can.” Finally, when you’re talking with someone who tries to excuse a missed assignment by saying that “something came up,” deal with this emergent problem — this violation of trust — as a new challenge. Never let it slide.
New Problems Sneak onto the Scene
Let’s look at another category of emergent problems. You’re talking about a failed expectation, and the other person, besides saying that something came up, does something that is actually worse than the original infraction.
For instance, you’re the only female member of your team at work. You’re talking to a coworker who somehow always seems to find a way to get out of the tasks nobody likes to do. You’ve agreed to share all jobs equally, there are four of you, and he works on the disagreeable assignments only about 10 percent of the time. This math isn’t working for you.
You decide to talk about your conclusion that he’s purposely skipping out of the unpopular jobs, knowing that you’ll start with the facts and then tentatively tell him what you and others are beginning to conclude. This actually goes fairly well. Then he says, “You know, I’m glad you brought up the issue. Women shouldn’t let guys like me walk all over them. In fact, I like women who are strong.”
You continue along the problem-solving path, trying to see if he’ll agree to take his fair share of the noxious tasks, and he adds, “Forceful women are a bit of a turn-on.”
He’s now leaning close to you and sort of leering. You don’t like leaning and leering, and you really don’t like the words turn on unless they refer to an electrical switch. So you tell him that, including the semifunny electrical switch line. You figure you’ll use humor to break the tension.
He comes back with “Exactly what are your turn-ons?”
Okay, that’s it. Given his insensitive persistence, you decide to step away from the fairness issue and confront the new problem. He is acting inappropriately, and you don’t like it. In fact, it feels like harassment. This is the problem you want to discuss. The behaviors, of course, include using sexual innuendo, leaning, and leering.
To deal with this tricky emergent problem, start by announcing the change in topic. It’s okay to change topics, but always clarify what you’re doing. Place a bookmark where you just were so that it will be easy to return to it later. If you don’t, you lose your place and sometimes forget that you changed topics: “I’d like to talk about what just happened.”
This stops the conversation dead in its tracks. Next, do everything you’ve learned so far. Pick the problem you want to discuss. Take charge of your harsh feelings by telling a story other than “He’s a filthy pig who needs to die a painful death.” What’s likely to be going on is that he thinks he’s flirting and it’s cute. He actually believes that. Bring your emotions under control by telling a more accurate story. Then describe the gap. Move from the content conversation to the relationship one (his disrespectful behavior): “You just made references to your ‘turn-ons,’ you moved so close to me that I felt uncomfortable, and your eyes were moving up and down my body. What’s going on here?”
Shocked that anyone would actually call him on something he’s been getting away with for years, he apologizes and says it won’t happen again.
You then close the discussion by seeking a clear commitment: “So I can count on you to treat me like a professional in the future?”
He quickly nods in agreement.
That was easy. No need for consequences. No need to analyze underlying ability blocks: “Sorry, I was raised by wild animals and am a bit of a social moron.” He agrees to back off, and your life just got better.
Now you face one more issue. Do you return to the original problem? You still haven’t resolved the job equity issue. This is something you have to decide in the moment. Sometimes, having dealt with a much larger problem, you decide to return to the original problem another time. Continuing now could seem like piling it on. Besides, in this case he may want to make a hasty exit to regain his dignity and composure. Naturally, if there is enough safety to continue, go ahead and finish what you started. Retrieve the bookmark and continue where you left off.
These steps can be applied to any new problem that emerges in the middle of an accountability discussion. Pull out of the original infraction, announce the change in topic, discuss the new infraction, bring it to a satisfactory resolution, and then decide whether you need to return to the original issue.
For instance, you’re talking to your seven-year-old daughter about not practicing the piano as she promised she would. She explains that she did practice. You were sitting at the piano folding clothes during the appointed time, and so you tell her that and end with “Since you weren’t here, how did you practice?” Your daughter bursts into tears because she’s been caught in a lie. You now have a new and bigger problem.
“I didn’t practice because I hate practicing at four o’clock every day,” she says. “That’s the best playtime, and I miss being with my friends.”
Now you know why she didn’t practice, but that’s no longer the problem you want to discuss. She lied. This is now a relationship conversation. Of course, she wants to talk about the inconvenient practice time (the content issue). That solves her problem. It also takes the focus off the bigger issue: she lied. Make sure to have the right conversation:
“I’d like to talk about what just happened.”
“What’s that?”
“When I asked you about your piano practice, you said that you did practice, but you didn’t.”