That is exactly what you should be determining. When other people become angry, there is always the chance that they will become violent. They’ve stepped over one line. Will they step over the next one? Fortunately, most bosses never face anything close to this form of danger at work, at least not from employees. People go to silence more than they go to violence. They complain to their loved ones. They play the martyr and despise you. They carp and seethe, but they don’t explode.
Nevertheless, there are exceptions. That’s why you must determine how dangerous the situation is. No listening skill or anger-reduction technique will overcome a person who is chasing you around the desk with a letter opener.
Don’t be a hero. If you think you’re in danger, leave. Remove yourself from the situation. Take flight; don’t fight. Then call the appropriate authorities. In most companies that’s security or human resources. Let your boss know what happened. Don’t even think about dealing with the danger yourself.
Second, Dissipate the Emotion
If you’re not in danger, go straight to the emotion; don’t deal with the argument per se. If someone came to you strung out on drugs, you wouldn’t dream of talking to that person about a work-related problem without first dealing with the chemical influence. It’s ludicrous to assume that you can have a rational argument with a person who is under the influence of mood-altering stimuli.
Anger creates a similarly inflated and abnormal reaction. Anger-based chemicals are legal, of course, but they prepare the body to spring into action, and that doesn’t mean talking politely. Therefore, don’t deal with the content of the argument until you’ve dealt with the emotion. The other person isn’t very likely to listen to you — or, for that matter, explain his or her own argument clearly and calmly — until the chemical surge has subsided. Any argument you make won’t be heard. Any suggestions you offer are likely to come across as an assault. Stifle your desire to jump into the content of the argument. Instead, dissipate the emotion.
But how? What does it take to douse internal fires that have been fueled by unhealthy stories?
Common but Not Good Practices
Dealing with anger nose to nose, so to speak, is tremendously hard, so hard that it’s almost impossible to find someone who does a good job of it. Here are three things not to do:
1. Don’t get hooked. Left to our natural tendencies, most of us respond to anger in kind. We get hooked. We become the very monsters we’re facing. But then again, why should we expect anything else? Someone who believes that a core value has been violated becomes angry. He or she hurls that anger in our faces, violating one or more of our core values. We become angry in response.
2. Don’t one-up. It’s hard to imagine that anyone would treat anger with smug indifference, but it happens:
An employee barks, “That’s the third time in a row accounting has screwed up my check!”
The boss strikes back with “Big deal. When I held your job, I had to walk six blocks to pick up my pay. There was a time when I didn’t get a red cent for almost two months, and that was over Christmas no less! You’ve got it easy.”
When other people become angry, they want first to talk about and then to resolve their problem, not yours. They certainly don’t want to be told that their problem can’t compete with your lengthy and impressive history of disappointments and disasters.
3. Don’t patronize. Acting holier than thou really doesn’t work, as this example shows:
One of your direct reports charges into your office and complains, “What was Larry trying to do in that meeting? He humiliated me in front of everyone!”
You come back with “Now, now. Quit throwing a childish tantrum. If you expect to talk to me, you’ll need to act like an adult.” Or you might say, “I can see you’re out of control. Here’s some money. Go get a cup of coffee and return when you’re under control.”
Telling people to calm down or grow up throws gas on the flames of violated values. They’re already fuming about being mistreated, and then you heap on more abuse. You patronize them. Your tone tells them that you think you’re superior. And as if this isn’t bad enough, you act as if you’re their confidant, giving them helpful advice.
Third, Explore the Other Person’s Path to Action
To see what we should do in the face of strong emotions, let’s return to our Path to Action.
Try to See More Than the Action
When someone becomes noticeably emotional, we see only the action that comes out at the end of their path. In fact, all we can ever see is anyone’s action or behavior. Everything else — feelings, stories, and observations — gets trapped inside.
Get to the Source
Because we can never see what’s going on inside other people’s heads, it’s important to help bring their thoughts and feelings into the open. This requires some skill on our part. We’ve seen the action; now it’s our job to retrace their Path to Action to whatever it was that ticked them off. We must move from the emotional outburst back to the feeling, the story, and the original observation. Therein lies the source of the emotion as well as the solution to the problem.
Use AMPP to Power Up Your Listening Skills
Next, we have to find a way to understand why others get emotional as well as let them know that we understand. We have four power listening tools to help us. We’ll use the acronym AMPP to help us recall them and as a reminder that they boost the power of our pathfinding skills. For those of you who are familiar with our previous book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, this material should have a familiar ring.
AMPP reminds us that we can simply ask to get the conversation rolling, mirror to encourage, paraphrase for understanding, and prime to make it safe for the other person to open up.
Ask to Get Things Rolling
Sometimes others convey their strong emotions but say little or nothing about what’s going on. You can tell that they’re frustrated or upset or even angry, but they’re not opening up. For instance, your teenage son walks into the house, slams the door, and throws his books on the kitchen table. He looks pretty upset to you, but he doesn’t say a word. You start with a simple probe:
“What’s going on?”
He comes back with the classic “Nothin’!”
You ask him to join in a conversation: “No, really. I’d love to hear what happened.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
Maybe he really doesn’t want to talk. Maybe he does but has to be encouraged a little. He wants to know that you care enough to stick with it. The trouble is that both conditions start with the same signaclass="underline" “I don’t want to talk about it.”
You ask him one more time by saying: “Honest, I’m all ears. I promise I’ll just listen. Sometimes that can help.”
“Well, this morning before science class …”
Mirror to Encourage
When you’re talking to emotionally charged people, you may want to do more than simply ask them to talk. You may want to bring in a bigger gun: mirroring.