People Worry
Another reason people frequently fail to follow up on commitments is that they want to be seen as nice. As one interviews people in organizations all over the world, it’s interesting how frequently the word nice comes up. Question: How would you describe your organization’s culture? Response: Nice. In this case, the word has switched meanings from “pleasant” to “diseaselike.”
Nice
adj. A pleasant, nonconfrontational attitude that eventually kills you.
People want to feel at ease, not stressed. Holding others accountable, particularly if you have to be honest, is stressful. So individuals rationalize and choose niceness over following up. It’s not a sellout; backing off is the right thing to do.
Of course, you can believe this semitortured logic only if you believe that being honest and holding people to their promises are inherently stressful and bad. Throughout this book we’ve tried to make the point that people who are good at accountability are both candid and courteous. They are honest but not “brutally honest.” You can follow up with people and be a decent human being. In fact, the converse is also true: if you don’t follow up, you’re being unkind to everyone. Allowing failure eventually destroys results and relationships.
The tools taught in the preceding chapters are designed to help us be candid and nice, get results and be nice, and follow up and be nice. The scripts you can use for following up are both easy and safe. When you follow up, you ask, “How’s the Southland project going?” or “We scheduled a follow-up on budget improvements. How’s it going?” The purpose of the follow-up is to see what the current status is, how things went, what worked, and what didn’t. The intention is to be helpful and supportive.
Agree on a Plan
We’ve come to the final element of our skill set. We’ve done all we can to create safety, and now it’s time to Move to Action. First we agree on a plan and follow-up method. Then we actually follow up.
• If we don’t end an accountability discussion well, we’ll have wasted our time and, worse still, are very likely to disappoint people and create unnecessary anxiety. Assignments will drop through the cracks.
• To end well, become an expert at creating a specific plan that includes who will do what by when. Make sure each person is clearly identified with a responsibility. Make sure the what is clearly understood. Call for questions and use Contrasting where necessary.
• Ensure that your plan contains the right and agreed-upon method of following up. The less skilled the person, the spottier his or her history; and the higher the risk, the more frequently you’ll follow up. Candidly talk about your follow-up methods.
• Finally, follow up. If things don’t go well, step up to the new accountability discussion.
8
Put It All Together
How to Solve Big, Sticky, Complicated Problems
Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities.
— RALPH MARSTON
Now that we’ve built our entire skill set, let’s quickly review each step we covered and then see what the skills look like when applied to a rather big, sticky, complicated problem. This will help us see how a real person during a real conversation might pick and choose from the toolbox of skills we’ve been building so carefully. Not all the skills will be needed all the time, and so we must have a way of thinking about which skills apply and when and where.
Choose What and If
• What. Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship. To stay focused, ask what you really want.
• If. Are you talking yourself out of an accountability discussion? Don’t let fear substitute for reason. Think carefully not just about the risks of having the conversation but also about the risks of not having it.
Master My Stories
Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of the story. Ask: “Why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised?” “What role might I have played?” When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you’re ready to begin.
Describe the Gap
Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed. Tentatively share your story only after you’ve shared your facts. End with a question to help diagnose.
Make It Motivating and Easy
After you’ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember, you rarely need power. In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six sources of influence. Remember to consider social and structural sources of influence.
Agree on a Plan and Follow Up
Remember who does what by when and then follow up. This idea is simple and serves as its own reminder. Then ask to make sure you’re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.
Stay Focused and Flexible
As other issues come up, don’t meander; consciously choose whether to change the conversation to the new issue. Weigh the new infraction. If it’s more serious or time sensitive, deal with it. If it is not, don’t get sidetracked.
Let’s see how all these steps apply to an extended example.
For the last six months, Ricky has avoided discussing a potential problem with his wife, Elena, because he’s worried that he may be at fault. His first wife had cheated on him for a full year before he figured out what was going on. That had rocked him to the core. Not only was he devastated by her infidelity; he reeled at his own inability to spot the early-warning signs of something as serious as adultery.
Ricky was slow to enter another long-term relationship: once bitten, twice shy. That explains why he dated Elena, a friend from church, for four years before convincing himself that his first marriage was a fluke and that Elena was unlike his first wife. Then he took the plunge. After three years of marriage to Elena, Ricky fell into a running debate, constantly bickering — with himself. He began to see signs that maybe something bad, even hideous, was going on behind his back, but he wasn’t sure if Elena was acting inappropriately or if he was being unnecessarily suspicious. Thus, Ricky remained silent.
Clearly, Elena had changed. She appeared to be more secretive about her e-mail, quickly exiting from it when he entered their home office. She took more phone calls out of the room than ever before. As Elena successfully explained those behaviors (it was job related and thus uninteresting), a third issue drove Ricky’s internal debate to new heights. Elena had begun working a great deal more overtime. This had happened off and on throughout their relationship. But what made extended hours more troubling lately was that her new supervisor was an ex-boyfriend, and some of the late-night work was with him.
Let’s walk through this delicate conversation with Ricky. Read the following sections carefully. Two times he’ll have to step out of the conversation and restore safety.