Healthy people don’t fake coping. They don’t hang around and moan, and groan, and complain, and nag, and play “ain’t it awful,” and wallow in self-pity, and bad-mouth everyone in the known universe, and talk endlessly about being the “big person” who has found a way to show tolerance — and then have the nerve to say that they’re coping. No, that is carping, not coping, and carping is the bad option.
“YEAH, BUT…
THE PEOPLE I WORK with are perfectly comfortable violating standards and turning a blind eye to rules. I usually don’t say anything because I don’t want to be the odd person out. It’s not like you can take on the world all by yourself.”
When you choose to violate a standard practice, depending on the severity of the violation, you’re exposing yourself and others to a whole range of risks. For instance, say you’re a healthcare specialist watching a doctor go into a sterile area with very sick babies, and he begins to examine them without gloves or a mask. This violation of protocol can lead to infections. Or you’re an accountant watching colleagues willfully disobey standard practices to satisfy a customer. This could misinform investors and land you in jail. Or you’re an employee watching everyone violate a safety procedure, and nobody says anything because everyone is in a hurry to meet an important deadline.
In each of these cases, you feel as if you’re in one of Solomon Asch’s conformity studies in which everyone before you says that two obviously different lines are identical and now it’s your turn to speak up. Do you do what you think is right and take on your entire work group, or do you go with the flow?
The reason you’re unwilling to say anything is probably that what you’re about to say isn’t very pretty. In your view, people are doing what is easy rather than what is right, and in fact they may be doing exactly that. Nevertheless, if you lead with this unsubstantiated accusation, it’s not going to go down welclass="underline"
“Hey, are we going to follow the regulations on this, or are we just going to sell out and run the risk of killing some people?”
As satisfying as this patronizing attack may feel, it’s not going to be well received. People may comply, but you’ve just driven a huge wedge into the relationship. Tell yourself a different story. Maybe others know something you don’t know. Maybe they’re feeling pressured just as you are. Maybe you just don’t know all the facts. Who knows what they’re thinking?
One thing is for certain: Seeing yourself as the only one with a conscience or a backbone and then acting on that story is sure to make you come across as self-righteous. It’s surely going to provoke other people’s resentment and resistance. How could it not? Change your story, and your behavior will change along with it. Ask yourself why reasonable, rational, and decent people are doing what they’re doing.
Open the conversation by acknowledging the competing motivations, and do it in a way that humanizes those who might be leaning in the wrong direction:
“I know it’s inconvenient to suit up for quick and unobtrusive exams.”
Then use a Contrasting statement to eliminate a possible misunderstanding:
“I don’t want this to come off as an accusation; it’s an honest question. Aren’t we supposed to[fill in the blank], or are there circumstances I’m unaware of?”
These simple sentences take the pressure off you. You don’t have to be the police. You don’t have to be moral or ethical or stronger willed. You don’t even have to be right. You just have to be curious, and that’s a good thing.
If people could find a way to use these simple techniques every time they feel peer pressure to do what they know is wrong, they could save millions of dollars, thousands of lives, and countless other forms of suffering.
“YEAH, BUT…
MY SPOUSE NEVER wants to talk about anything. I experience a problem with him, and he tells me not to worry or not now or I’ve got it all wrong, or he just turns back to the TV and says he’ll get back to me later. But he never does.”
When relationship researchers asked newlywed couples to talk about a topic that typically leads to an argument, they notice a common pattern among the couples who later ended up divorcing. Not only do those couples use poor techniques when trying to discuss a controversial topic, more often than not one of them tries to work through the issue to its resolution while the other tries to escape.
The fact that one of the pair wants to talk while the other prefers not to is the common pattern in strained relationships. Not only can’t people talk well, but one cuts off any avenue of resolution, and matters only get worse. This is a big deal.
If ever there was a pattern that needs to be confronted, this is it. Any single instance may not seem like that big of a deal, but over time the pattern is killing the relationship. So talk about the pattern.
First, ask if it would be okay to talk about an issue because you think that doing that would strengthen your relationship. You want to be able to talk more openly and freely about problems; your spouse seems to prefer to remain quiet. This is the problem. Fight your natural proclivity to focus on the other person. Instead, acknowledge any complaints the other person may have about what you may be doing to drive him or her to silence. Hint: When people move to silence, it’s typically because they feel verbally outgunned. If that’s the case with you, acknowledge that sometimes you guilt-trip or dominate or hound the other person until he or she succumbs. You want to change this.
When you frame the conversation as an opportunity to solve problems that the other person cares about and acknowledge some of the things you’ve done that might be contributing to the problem, you’re creating safety. This, of course, is always the best place to start.
With that done, don’t demand that the conversation happen now. Set aside a time to talk. The other person gets to pick when. One of the reasons high-stakes conversations often get sidelined is that the other person isn’t emotionally up to it. He or she arrives home from a trip, you’ve been musing for days, and bang, before he or she can catch a breath, a huge issue needs to be resolved. Choose your time carefully. You’re going to be talking about a longtime pattern. This topic isn’t time sensitive.
When you do converse, share your concerns along with your tentative conclusion that he or she may be purposely avoiding key problem-solving discussions. Don’t make this an accusation. Share two or three quick examples and then suggest that this is what is going on. Then prime. Is it because the conversations often don’t go well? Is there a way to make sure that they don’t end up as arguments? Is there something you can do to make sure that they run more smoothly? Make it safe for the other person to explain why he or she thinks it isn’t safe.
Jointly brainstorm things you can do to make sure that you’re both comfortable holding relationship conversations. Is your timing wrong? Are you waiting too long and then getting angry? Stick with the brainstorming until you’ve brought barriers to the surface and found ways to remove most of them. Make this conversational. Lovingly try to resolve the issue. Don’t try to “fix” the other person.