I nod and suck back my tears. “Okay. I’m going to go home and shower, because I’m kind of rank. I love you too, Drew. More than I can say.”
“Cate, stop. That’s not what I meant. I want you to promise me something, okay? Swear to me right now.” His voice is firm, much stronger than it has been in days.
“Okay. What is it?”
“I want you to leave this room now and go home, but I don’t want you to come back after you shower. I want you to say your goodbyes to me right here, right now.”
“What!? What are you saying?” My heart stutters in my throat.
“I’m saying what you think I’m saying. I love you so much more than having you sit here by my side for the next few days. I don’t want that. You swore to me, Cate.”
“Drew, I can’t.” Tears stream unchecked down my cheeks, because I can’t let myself think of the inevitable. Drew is my life, my heart, my everything.
“Yes, you can. Now, go. Turn around, walk through that door, and don’t ever look back. All my stuff is boxed exactly like I asked you to, and you know what to do with it. My parents and yours will be here, along with Ben. But you, you don’t need to be here. I don’t want you to be here. I want you to remember me as I was, when I was healthy, during our best times. Now, look at that door and take your first steps into your new life, Cate. And promise me you’ll live. Just live, Cate. Do it for me.”
“You can’t mean this. Drew, I’m not walking away.” And instead of walking, I make a move to crawl in his bed.
“Don’t, Cate. You’re making this harder for me. It’s … have you ever heard of stories where people can’t let go? That’s what you’re doing to me.”
My hand flies over my mouth to cover the sob.
“Please. For me. If there’s one thing left you can do for me, do this last thing.”
I back away from his bed, looking at his murky eyes, no longer the crystal blue of his healthy days gone by, and I turn and run blindly from the room. I don’t know where I’m going, I just have to leave his room for a moment to think, to figure out if I can do what he’s asked. My eyes are so misted with tears, I’m blind, and as I turn the corner I crash head on into someone. Arms reach out to steady me and prevent me from slamming on my ass as my own arms windmill. I’m sure whoever I just careened into must think they’ve been attacked by a banshee, because I’m wailing, and look a mess, not to mention I smell like a skunk.
“Hey, are you okay?”
“Hell no,” I shake my head. My words come out choked through another sob. “No, I’m not okay,” I manage to say. Irrationality burns my gut. Isn’t it obvious? “Do I look like I’m okay?” I rub my eyes so I can get the buckets of water out to see.
“Here. Come with me.”
I don’t have a choice. Whoever this person is takes my arm and walks me somewhere. He opens a door and says, “Sit.” A handful of tissues magically appear in my hand. I blow my snot-filled nose and wipe my eyes again, but still I cry.
I feel guilty at my earlier irritation. Someone is trying to be nice and I’m being a bitch.
“I’m sorry. I … I … my husband is … he’s dying … and,” I sniff loudly, “he just told me he wants me to leave.”
“Your husband?”
I finally look at my savior. His lab coat screams “physician.” My eyes are cloudy with tears so I can’t really make out if he’s young, old, short or tall. I can’t seem to stop my heart from tearing into shreds.
“Yeah. You may know him. Drew. Drew McKnight. He’s a fellow here.” I blow my nose into a clean tissue and add it to the wadded ball of used ones.
“Ah. Yeah. I mean, I sort of know him but never got the chance to work with him. I’ve heard great things about him. And I’m terribly sorry.” He introduces himself, but I don’t catch his name. My brain is too much of a mess to take notice. “I’m also an oncology fellow. I’m a year ahead of your Drew.”
“Look, sorry I dumped on you.”
“Don’t be. Can I offer you some advice? The last days … he won’t know. He knows it, too. He’s trying to protect you. As hard as it is, that’s all he’s doing. Be with him if you want.”
A giant breath gushes out of me. “Thank you. I need to go.”
“Mrs. McKnight?”
“Cate,” I say dabbing at my eyes.
“What?”
“My name. It’s Cate.”
“Oh. Cate then. I’m on call and here tonight. If you need anything, tell the nurses to page Dr. Mercer. I’ll be here to help if you or Drew need me.”
I take his hand. It’s comforting. “Thank you.”
Swiping the tears off my face, I head back to Drew’s room. Ben is here and I motion him into the hall. When I tell him what Drew said, he looks embarrassed.
“You knew, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but he swore me not to tell you. I’m sorry Cate.”
“Well, I just can’t do that. I can’t leave and never say goodbye.”
“I told him that and I told him it wasn’t fair of him to ask that of you. But you know Drew. He’s always thinking of everyone else.”
“I am going home to shower and then I’m coming back with my stuff to stay for however long. I ran into one of the oncologists who’s on call. He told me to stay.” I start to cry again. In a weepy voice I say, “He said Drew wouldn’t know if I’m here anyway.”
Ben’s arms grab me and we both tremble as we cry. Then he asks, “Are you okay to drive?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. Nothing but a few more tears.”
“Text me as soon as you get home.”
“I will.”
It’s a quick turn around trip for me and I’m back at the hospital, but when I walk toward Drew’s room, I wonder if I should linger in the hall. I text Ben and he meets me right outside the room.
“He knows you’re coming back. I told him it wasn’t fair to do that to you.”
“What did he say?”
“He told me I sucked in Drew-fashion.”
That gets a smile out of us, albeit a small one. Ben and I get bed seats, and by that I mean in his bed. I lie next to him for most of the time, other than when I have to pee or get something to drink. Letty sits next to the bed in the recliner and holds his hand or touches him in some fashion, and Ray only looks on, disbelief etched on his features. I think he held out hope until the bitter end and now that it’s here, it’s too much for him to face.
At ten, I get up and walk down to the cafeteria and grab a muffin and a coke. After I choke a quarter of the muffin down and sip the coke I’m flicking the crumbs around the table when a shadow crosses over me. I glance up and see that it’s the physician that helped me earlier. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I don’t even remember his name.
“How’re you holding up?”
“How does anyone ever hold up when the love of their life is dying at the age of twenty-nine?”
“Probably as well as you are.”
“Then not too good.”
“It’s a shit hand of cards he was dealt, Cate.”
“Yeah, it’s not fair. And all I keep asking myself is why can’t the bad people get shit like this? Drew never has a bad thing to say about anyone. He was always the good guy, you know?”
“It’s what I’ve been told. Everyone says he’s the golden boy. Smart as hell and the greatest diagnostician. He was like a god around here. When he had the recurrence, everyone was just sick about it. Let me tell you, he had the best care, Cate. His case went all over the world. There wasn’t a stone left unturned.”
I reach out and touch his hand. “Thank you for telling me this. We haven’t been here long enough to meet a lot of the other fellows, so I didn’t know. I appreciate that.”
He digs in his pocket and pulls out a card. “Listen, if you need anything, just call. I’m out of here in about an hour. But the whole department is on this thing. You should know that. This has been really tough on Rosenberg. Everyone loves Drew.”
I look at his card briefly and say, “Thanks. You’ve been very kind.” Then I gather up my crumbly muffin and coke and head back to the room.
Two days later, my Drew, my husband, the only man I’ve ever loved fades away as he takes his final breath, with me in the bed next to him, Ben holding one hand and Letty holding the other. It’s very peaceful—for Drew. For me, my world shatters into tiny pieces as all the pieces of Drew leave this world. All the pieces of me remain behind, broken and … alone.