Cate changed my life. She has a way of putting her handprint on things and when she does, they are never the same again. She did that to me. She put the extra beat in my heart, made the blood flow faster through my veins, made my soul burn brighter and my sprit grow deeper. Once she entered my life, I knew there was no going back. I hope she does that to you, too. I once said that getting cancer made me more empathetic. That wasn’t true. It was Cate who did that to me.
I wanted her to move on and to find someone else after me, and I’m glad she did. My friend, Ben, has my permission to kick your ass if you’re not good to her. And he will. He’s that kind of guy. But I’m hoping he doesn’t have to because I truly want you to make her the happiest woman on Earth. For everything I put her through, she deserves it.
Now go and do her right. Treat her well and love her with everything you’ve got. You won’t be disappointed.
Drew McKnight
The letter flutters out of my hand because I’m incapable of anything, standing, seeing, talking, or breathing. Andy’s scent is all around me, so I know he’s there as I break into all the pieces Drew loved.
“Cate, baby, it’s going to be okay.”
I’m not so sure. Drew has been gone now for almost three years, yet the pain still stabs me in the chest like it happened yesterday. I feel like one of the pieces of me left with all the pieces of him when they departed this world.
“I’m sorry. It just came back. He was always a good guy and here he proves it in death.” I sob. “I’m sorry,” I say again.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. You wouldn’t be the woman I fell in love with if that letter didn’t affect you. He loved you and I have big shoes to fill.”
I let him hold me as I continue to cry. Somewhere as Andy holds me with no judgment, no jealousy, no anything but all of his love, a piece inside that was missing fits into place.
As the tears slow, I realize I’m blessed for having Drew for the time I did. He showed me what love is, what it was meant to be. He gave me the tools to know when love was right. He gave me all of him as I had given all of myself in return. He wanted me to find love again. And I have. I hadn’t been sure until this point that I had a hundred percent to give back to someone else. But I was wrong.
I think back to something Drew said long ago. He said he didn’t believe in one soul mate for everyone. And I’m grateful he’s right. Not that I wanted him to pass from this earth and from me. But I’m humbled to have found someone else I could love so completely, who loves me the same way.
Immeasurable eyes, the color of calm clear seas, cornflowers blowing in the breeze and the skies on the clearest days, wait patiently as I break over another man. It’s then I know for sure that I’m the luckiest woman in the world. Not many people are given a second chance at love. I won’t waste mine.
“Yes,” I say.
He has no idea that while staring at him, I know I’ve built myself up again and I’m ready to take the plunge.
“Yes?”
“Yes, I’ll marry you if you’ll have me.”
The drive isn’t long and neither is the walk. Cate’s hands are linked in mine and she’s not sure why I brought us here because I haven’t told her. There’s no noise as we walk across the grass to a place of eternal rest, or so they say. The birds are even respectful as a peaceful calm greets us as we make our way to the stone.
It isn’t fancy, because according to all I’ve learned, it wasn’t Drew’s style to be. The marble headstone is simple and has just the right number of words.
Andrew Standford McKnight
Cherished Son
and
Loving Husband
I glance down at Cate. Nerves are starting to get the better of me. I squeeze her hand while I run the other over my hair. I try to smile to encourage her as I search for the words I haven’t exactly practiced. I turn away from her to give my attention to the headstone.
“I’m not sure how to do this.” I pause, still unsure of what I want to say. Diving in, I say what’s in my heart. “McKnight, I don’t really expect that you are here, but I hope in some way, you hear me. I would like to respond to the letter you wrote. Most importantly, I hope for your blessing of Cate’s hand. Just so you know, I asked her father and he approved, but I need your approval as well.” I blow out a breath. The guy wrote a letter that could have moved a mountain. “I can’t reply to your letter with words on a page, so here I am. You’re right that Cate is someone special. And I know that part of who she is today has been shaped by how you loved her. I’m grateful for that role you played in her life. I promise you I will treat her like she is the last of her kind because she is. I plan to only love one woman and she’s the one. She’s my bird and I promise to keep her heart safe and love her with all of me, the same way you did. She had no idea why we came, by the way. But it was important for me to tell you that she’s in the right hands before she walks down the aisle. I don’t ever expect her to stop loving you. I’m not that petty or jealous because I know she’s capable of loving both of us. You mean the world to her and I plan to do my best to make her as happy as you did. You are sorely missed and this woman, our hospital, this world was a better place with you in it. And without you, there is a part missing. I expect you to watch over our girl when I can’t. And may we meet again one day sometime very far in the future.”
Still holding Cate’s hand, I watch as she lays a bunch of flowers at the foot of the headstone. I didn’t ask why she chose the flowers she did. I figured they meant something and according to the web, they did. The white carnations represent remembrance. The purple lilacs mean first love and the gladiolas represents strength of character. They are great choices for everything I know about the man.
I hand Cate some tissues from my pocket. She gives me that shy smile she gave me the first day we met. Then I knew there was something special about her, but she’d been a colleague’s wife. Today, she will become mine.
We get to the church on time, but Cate’s mother still hustles her away. Something about me not seeing the bride on her wedding day.
I’m sent to the boys’ room where I find Mitch, Dave and Ben sitting around talking, looking hung over.
“Where have you been? Jenna’s furious you both missed the brunch buffet.”
“I had business to take care of,” I say offhandedly. Ben was Drew’s best friend, but what Cate and I did this morning is between us. If she chooses to share, she will.
Mitch laughs. “That’s code word for banging his bride before the wedding.”
He’s wrong about that. Jenna convinced Cate that us not having sex the month before the wedding would be good for the honeymoon. As much as I’ve tried to explain to Cate that my balls in fact do appear to be blue, she’s been unwilling to give me a second opinion. She tells me she’s just as needy as I am.
“No sex, thanks to his sister.” I point an accusatory finger at Ben.
He shrugs. “She has all kinds of stats on that shit.”
Dave just looks amused and changes the direction of the conversation. “Your sister is really hot. Is she still dating that guy?”
Ben’s eyes grow horns and appear as though they are glowing red. “I’ve heard enough about you two to know neither of you should ever think about my sister.”
Mitch laughs. “All’s fair in sex and booze at a wedding.”
Ben’s about to say something, but Dad knocks on the door. “Time.”
The guys eye me, but I’m not nervous. I want Cate with every fiber of my being. My only wildest fear is if she’ll break her promise and run. And even that fear has diminished over the last several months. I trust her completely.
At the altar, when they begin to play that familiar tune, I stand and stare at the door opening. I wait until Cate appears and when she does all the air is sucked out of my lungs. She’s so fucking beautiful I can only blink. Mitch taps my back and I remember to breathe.