"Did you ask her?" Jenny asked.
"Yeah, yeah, of course I asked her. She said our mother has changed, that she's not the useless drunk she was. I guess I'm supposed to feel sorry for her now that she's all crippled up with arthritis or whatever the hell is wrong with her." Turning her head, Crystal focused on the long punching bag near the far wall. "So many nights so many times I wished for her to come in and protect me, to stand up to him for her kids, to do something, anything to show me she loved me. Why wouldn't she?" Her anger needing an outlet, she stormed across the room and swung a hard left at the bag. "Why? What the hell was so wrong with me that she couldn't do that simple little thing?" The punching bag swung under another emotion-filled blow. "And she thinks I'm going to forgive her?" Thud. "Just because she wants me to?" Thud. "Because Patty wants me to?" Thud. "No." Thud. "I don't have to." Thud. "I won't." Thud. "I won't." Thud. "They can't make me." Thud. "I'm an adult." Thud. "If Patty wants to live with her and pretend everything is perfect, fine. I don't care." Thud. "She doesn't know what it was like after she left." Her knuckles sore from the repeated poundings on the bag, Crystal flopped down on the padded mat and drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly as she watched Jenny move closer, the therapist now sitting only a few feet away on the mat. "She doesn't know," she repeated. The fight was slowly draining from Crystal's body and with it the harsh tone to her words. "She wasn't there to protect me from him anymore. That left only our mother and she didn't lift a finger to help me so why should I do anything to help her? Let her live the rest of her life knowing her daughter hates her, I don't care."
"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference," Jenny said. "She's your mother, Crystal. She's the one who was supposed to love and protect you and what you're feeling is the pain of not having that. We've talked about this before."
"Yeah, many times, Doc. I know," Crystal said. "But it's one thing to not see her, to not know where she is or what's happened to her and it's another to know she's living with Patty and making the family we never had." Bowing her head, Crystal took a deep breath. "It's like all it took was me leaving to make everything better for them or something. The bastard has a heart attack, Patty comes back home, and then my mother decides it's time to stop being a drunk." Shaking her head, she squeezed her eyes tight and took a deep breath. "When I needed her to be my mother, she couldn't. Now that she wants to be, I don't need her or want her."
"And what is your anger at your sister about?" Jenny asked, causing Crystal to jerk her head up.
"Mad? At Patty? No way, Doc. Weren't you listening? I hate my mother, not my sister." Releasing her knees, Crystal folded her arms over her chest, using the wall to support her back.
"I didn't say hate," Jenny said. "I said mad. It's obvious you're angry at Patty."
"And why would I be mad at the sister I've been trying to find for over a decade?" Crystal said, standing up and putting some distance between her and the therapist. "You know how many times I thought she must be dead? All this time she's just been a local call away, living with our mother." Standing behind the recliner, Crystal gripped the soft leather cushion. "All this time she's been living the life we should have had. She's got the good job, two beautiful healthy kids and a nice place to live. I'm the one that struggles to get through the day without getting drunk off my ass, the one that used to take her clothes off to earn money." She snorted and gestured at Jenny. "Hell, I'm the one that needs to see a therapist because I'm so fucked up. And me? I go and pick the one therapist that can't talk to me about one of the things I need to talk about the most." She shook her head. "Could I make my life any more complicated?"
"Crystal, you knew going into this that we couldn't talk about Laura," Jenny said, rising from the mat and crossing over to the couch. "But I didn't know how I was going to feel about her," Crystal said. "I didn't know then that we'd" She caught the look of first surprise, then disbelief in Jenny's eyes as the therapist figured it out for herself. "I didn't know that I'd end up loving her," she said quietly, wincing inside at the pained look on the other woman's face.
When Jenny spoke, it was in a tone carefully devoid of any inflection or tone. "So you and Laura are lovers?"
"Yeah," Crystal said, finding she could not maintain eye contact with Laura's ex-lover.
There was a long pause before Jenny spoke. "Our time is almost up," she said despite there being almost fifteen minutes left. "Doc," Crystal began.
"Make sure you keep up your meetings and writing in your journal," Jenny said, rising to her feet. "I'll see you on Friday." "Wait." Crystal reached out and grabbed Jenny's shoulder. "You're upset," she judged correctly.
"If you want to explore a relationship with someone, it's none of my business," Jenny said. "Please Crystal, I have some paperwork to catch up on before my next patient arrives."
"I thought you said bullshit wasn't allowed in this office, Doc," Crystal said, pulling her hand free. "You're right that I need to figure out why I'm mad at Patty. I didn't realize I was until you pointed it out. Maybe that's what I need you most for, to help me see the obvious when I can't." Wrapping her fingers around the door handle, Crystal paused and looked back at Jenny. "So let me tell you what I see right now, Doc. I see someone who still has feelings for Laura. You can hold onto those ethical guidelines all you want but this is something we're going to have to talk about." She opened the door. "See you Friday, right?" She waited for Jenny's nod before leaving the office, emotions swirling as they so often did after an intense session.
Not wanting to go right home, Crystal turned onto the highway and headed south. With the directions etched into her mind, she followed the signs until she ended up on the pothole filled road that led to the mobile home park where Patty lived. To her disappointment, the only car in the driveway was the one she recognized as belonging to her mother. She thought about turning around and leaving but then the screen door flew open and Jessica came running out. Knowing she was spotted, Crystal put the car in park and shut off the engine, steeling herself for the sight of the woman she so despised.
"Aunt Crystal, Aunt Crystal," the nine year old yelled as she bounded down the steps and ran over to the car.
"Hi Sweetie," she said, now wishing she had stopped along the way and picked up some little toys for her niece and nephew. After all, she was their only aunt and there were many birthdays and holidays to make up for. "How was school?"
"Mrs. Trudeau yelled at me."
"Oh yeah?" Crystal picked her niece up and carried her over to the picnic table. "Why?"
"Because I punched Melissa Goldman in the arm during lunch."
"And why did you do that?"
"She hit me first," the child said defensively.
"Did you tell the teacher that?"
Jessica nodded. "Uh huh. She yelled at both of us and we had to stay in during recess." The child's head turned at the sound of the screen door opening. "Gramma, Aunt Crystal is here." The smile that had been on Crystal's face quickly disappeared when her mother appeared in the doorway.
"Jessica, go change into your play clothes if you're going to be outside," Margaret Sheridan said.
"Do I have to?" the girl whined. "I won't get them dirty."
"You know what your mother said about wearing school clothes to play in," the gray haired woman reminded. Jessica made a disappointed face but climbed down and scooted into the house.
Crystal stood as well and walked over to her car, reaching through the open window for the cigarettes sitting on the dash. "I have nothing to say to you," she said, feeling the older woman's eyes upon her. Angrily lighting her cigarette, she shoved the lighter back into her pocket and leaned against the hood of her car, her back to the older woman.