"I didn't say anything about your childhood this time," Jenny pointed out. "You know what tells me? It tells me something is on your mind." "I dunno."
"I told you no excuses, no bullshit in here." Setting the clipboard on the couch, the therapist pulled the blue beanbag over and settled herself on it. "You can stare at the ceiling all night if you want to."
Great, Crystal thought to herself. You're a real pain in the ass, Doc. Fine. "I told Laura." She knew Jenny was waiting for elaboration. "I I told her what happened when I was a kid."
"And how did telling her make you feel?"
Crystal didn't have to turn her head to feel the therapist's eyes upon her. She continued to stare at the ceiling. Shrugging her shoulders, she used her familiar defense. "I dunno."
"I dunno is not an answer. Try again. When you first began to tell her, how did you feel?"
"Nervous," Crystal admitted, shifting her position to put her hands behind her head. "When I started, I was worried she'd freak out and not want to talk to me anymore or something."
"And when you realized that wouldn't happen?"
Crystal swallowed, wishing now she had made herself something to drink when she arrived. "It felt
I dunno, good I guess. She didn't look at me weird or anything. I don't think she did anyway. I didn't really look at her too much when I was talking." She looked over at Jenny, thinking back to what Laura had told her about their breakup. "She talked to me too about things." Crystal paused. "I guess that made me feel good too."
"How did it make you feel to share your story?"
Crystal looked at the ceiling again. "It was scary at first. My heart kept pounding, like I was worried he'd come in and catch me talking about it or something." Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly and gathered her thoughts. "She just let me keep talking and talking, no matter how stupid I sounded. You know what the best part was?"
"What?"
"She believed me." Crystal shifted again, leaning her elbow on the beanbag and looking at Jenny. "No matter what I told her or how I said it, Laura believed me."
"You will find as you fill your life with healthy people there will be people you can trust. Friends who will believe anything you tell them and won't judge you. Those are the ones you need in your life. Not the toxic people."
"You mean my old friends."
"As you grow up your friends change. Growing up in not something that happens when you turn eighteen and become a legal adult. Throughout your life you will find what I call the special friends."
"Like Laura," Crystal said. "After that talk with her, I feel like I can tell her almost anything."
"It's a good feeling to build trust with another person, isn't it?" Jenny asked.
"It felt good to tell the truth about what happened." Crystal was only willing to give a little, feeling a speech about trust coming up. To her surprise, Jenny had a different idea.
"And every time you tell your story to another person, you take some of that load off your shoulders. You lessen the power it has over you." "It doesn't have any power over me. I'm in total control," Crystal protested.
"You are, are you?" The annoying smirk returned. "When was the last time you rode an elevator alone with a man and not had a panic attack? When was the last time you had a good night's sleep that wasn't drug or alcohol induced? We haven't even begun to look at any sexual dysfunction that might be going on." The words hit home and Crystal knew it showed on her face. She scowled and looked away but her therapist and friend continued to talk to her. "You haven't had control over anything except how to stuff your feelings away by whatever means possible. Whether you want to admit it or not, you act and react based on your experiences and until you let go of the past, you can't move forward. Crystal, I want to talk to you about joining a group that meets here on Tuesday evenings."
"A group?" What the hell are you talking about? Sitting up and turning to face Jenny, Crystal gave the therapist her full attention. "There are a group of women who meet here every week to talk to each other about their feelings and experiences. It's for survivors of rape and sexual abuse."
"You're kidding. Sit in a room with a whole bunch of strangers and tell them about what happened?" Crystal shook her head vehemently. "Not a chance."
"What about that scares you?" Jenny asked. "Every woman in there is a survivor just like you are."
"Not a snowball's chance in hell, Doc. No way, no how."
"You could just sit there and listen. You're not obligated to say anything. The only thing is that the same rule applies to group as it does to our sessions. No drugs, no alcohol beforehand. Many of these women are in recovery from substance abuse as well." Jenny stood up and walked over to the couch, picking up her clipboard before sitting down on the leather cushion. Crystal's eyes followed her progress, wondering what the therapist was up to. She got her answer. "Do you remember what you wrote in your journal" Jenny looked down at the composition book and checked the date. "Friday night?"
Crystal's eyes widened as she tried to remember what she had written. The journal had become her nighttime ritual done while having her last cigarette before bedtime. Very often she would forget that Jenny would be eventually reading it and just let her mind flow with thoughts and feelings transcribed to the paper by her hand. "I um
I try not to think about you reading it when I'm writing."
"I see that," Jenny said. "You say some very powerful things in here but what keeps striking me over and over again in your writing is the need you have to feel like you belong somewhere."
"Huh?" Without thought Crystal moved forward, taking up Jenny's old position on the blue beanbag next to the couch. "I never said that." "You didn't?" Jenny held her finger against the page. "Right here and I quote 'sometimes I feel like I'm looking in on the rest of the world' and back here
" The pages were flipped. "You wrote quite a bit this day. Let me find it
yes, right here. You wrote 'I feel like I'm all broken and no one can help me get back together again. No one understands'." Crystal could only nod, the truth there in her own messy handwriting. "I want you to take the next step, Crystal," Jenny said softly.
"I'll think about it," Crystal said, resting her elbows on her knees. "I'm studying for the GED at night too so we'll see."
"You are? You didn't tell me about this. When did you start that?"
"Laura found a web site with all this information and stuff on it. She printed out all these tests and has been having me take them so we can see what I need to learn," Crystal said excitedly. "I've been doing better than she thought I would."
"Laura's helping you?"
"Yeah. She's playing teacher, grading my tests and all that." Crystal tried to figure out what the odd look on Jenny's face meant but before she could the therapist stood up and walked over to the vacant beanbag.
"That's very good," Jenny said. "It's a step in the right direction. You should include writing about that in your nightly journals. You haven't mentioned it at all."
"I wrote about it in last night's entry but you haven't had a chance to read that one yet," Crystal said. "I was pissed off because I couldn't remember all these formulas Laura keeps trying to make me learn." She shook her head. "I don't know, Doc. Sometimes I think I can do it and other times I think I'm an idiot and I'll never learn it."
"It's very common to have self doubt, especially with something that seems such a high goal. I've had doubts myself when I was in school." "You did?"
"Of course. Everyone has doubts, Crystal. The goal is to face your doubts and continue on. If you fail once, that doesn't mean you'll always fail. Remember we talked about learning from your life experiences? Your mistakes as well as your successes?"